I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. I was overcome with more than just a touch of depression. It doesn’t hit me often, but every once in a while I become overwhelmed by all of the little things. The ones that aren’t working.
This is the longest I’ve gone without hearing from Mr. Midwest. Usually he calls every other day, or so. But he hasn’t called since Wed night (yeah, I could call him). He emailed Friday morning to ask about my plans for the weekend. He said that he had plans for that night (he was specific, mentioning old friends) and was hoping that I was free tonight, if not tomorrow night. I replied that I had plans for tonight but was free for tomorrow night. I haven’t heard back from him.
I see that all (no call, no confirmation of plans for tomorrow) as a sign of his waning interest. Of the hint that I’ve been looking for that he’s really not interested in me. Just happy to have me around until someone better comes along. And well, been there done that.
Which does no great injury to my heart. I’m still uncertain about my feelings for him. But…
I turn 40 in less than a month. I’d been working on some pretty awesome birthday plans. But they kind of got messed up and I decided not to try to unmess them up. It was all just so complicated. Now I’m thinking I might just hop on a plane and go visit some old friends.
In other words, hide.
And my family life is… hard.
Business is going well, but things are still very much a constant hustle. And unlike other people, I don’t enjoy the hustle. I’d much rather sit in a room, quietly, all day and write.
So I woke up this morning and even though it was one of the prettiest mornings in memory I just couldn’t get out of bed. Because I’m going to be 40 in less than a month. And I’ve spent the last few years (re)creating a life for myself. Working hard. Very, very hard. But, and it kills me to admit this, sometimes I feel like I don’t have anything to show for it. Not a damn thing. And it feels like I must be doing everything wrong. Because how could I be working this hard at everything and still have nothing?
Anyway, I eventually got up and went out. Took a walk and went to my favorite bakery. And then I sat in a local park and watched the people pass by and cried for a while. Then I called a friend who gave me a little pep talk.
And now I’m here writing this. Probably a mistake, but whatever. I’m really tired of it all.
Tags: bed, Birthday, friends