Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Redefining Butterflies

Redefining Butterflies dating update  1204251 butterfliesI think too much, plain and simple.  Always have. I had as a child, no joke. I’d stay up all night and think – why lie – worry. And I still do.

It’s who I am.  This doesn’t mean I’m an unhappy person.  I’m not.  It just means I’m the kind of person who overthinks every little thing that I do, that other people do, that might happen, has happened, is happening.

I live in my head.  And simultaneously in the world. I’ve tried to stop/. And you know what, not only can’t I, I don’t want to.  For me to would be for me to turn into another person.  Maybe that person would be a better person?  I don’t know. But she wouldn’t be me, and I kinda like me.

I say all this as a build up to explain how I can be so utterly confused by my own . Because I am. Utterly confused.

Last night, almost on cue (as he dutifully calls exactly when he says he will), I got a call from Mr. Midwest. And as usual he was thoughtful and kind and interested in what I had to say.  As I’ve tweeted/written before, he makes it very easy to like him. He was in the process of making fairly elaborate plans for us for tonight and I asked if he wouldn’t mind us doing something more low-key. I’ve had a rough week (as I mentioned last weekend, my hand… it takes me 2x as long to do everything and just maintaining this blog has become a burden because I really need to focus on my “real business”)and just want to throw on some jeans and a tee-shirt and maybe drink some beer.

Anyway, it’s only our 5th date and so still very early but I it’s hit me that maybe I just need to redefine the whole butterflies thing. Maybe that feeling that I’m waiting for isn’t a good/necessary thing after all. Maybe it’s just anxiety.

Mr. Midwest doesn’t make me feel anxious. I’m not sure what he makes me feel.  Maybe just happy?


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7 to “Redefining Butterflies”


  1. Terry says:

    There is more intimacy in Jeans and a T-shirt and drinking a beer than going to a fine restaurant with a ten course meal. There is more real connection there- more real world. We sometimes get confused by this– we want to have a wonderful time with someone we care about, or are getting to care about- and so we make plans to be something we are not- in a place we are not normally in our element.

    Maybe its just me- but the best times with my wife are/and were when we were relaxed, in comfortable clothes, with no expectations beyond conversation.

    I am a “foodie” – I love great restaurants, great wine, and the entire dining experience. But when I am there- I tend to enjoy the hedonistic pleasure of the meal and the wine.

    Years ago, when a student at The University of Chicago, I made it a point to go to some of the great restaurants in Chicago regularly (I had a great summer job, scholarships, and so had a lot of discretionary cash– besides Chicago restaurants at their finest were less expensive than the ones from my hometown of Ketchikan, Alaska). I discovered that I loved going there with a fellow foodie – -who has turned out to by my good friend over these years. I also discovered if I took a date there – I didn’t have as much fun — it was easier to take the date to someplace simple, and enjoy the date rather than go to Chez Paul.

    You get to know a person when they are comfortable- that is where you get to see if there is something more than feeling ok. Well, sometimes.

    Living in your head and insomnia– yea, happens a lot. Get an ipod- download podcasts, listen to them at night – see what happens (doctors orders)

  2. Lara says:

    Sometimes, Simone, I think we must be sisters separated at birth. It’s funny, this blogging thing. I find myself identifying intimately with so many strangers. I certainly have no answers for you about the butterflies thing, just my lived experience to share. I was married for almost 10 years to a wonderful guy. While dating, he called when he said he would. He bought me flowers and sent me cards. He accepted me for who I am, and while my complexities certainly befuddled him, he never made an issue of it. He made a loyal husband and is a fabulous dad to our five year old. The sex – when it happened – was even decent. Not earth shattering, but that probably had more to do with my lack of desire for him than anything. In the end,it just didn’t work. We didn’t connect in the way I needed to connect,and that was DNA – not anything we could change by trying harder. Trying harder would have meant I stop thinking so much – feeling so deeply. And I couldn’t.

    I guess I tell you all of this because I, too, wonder about the butterflies/zing. I’ve had them since my divorce and lost the person, and I ache to think I might not have them again. But having experienced them once makes me think it can happen again – and it will be butterflies with ease rather than angst.

    Perhaps it all boils down to what we want. I like to think I can have everything I want because I know my life didn’t work when I was without them in a relationship, but we want different things at different times in our lives, too. Right now, when I want to have sex with someone, it’s extremely important our brains are having sex, too. That wasn’t necessarily the case a decade ago. Keep asking yourself those questions, and if you find yourself justifying your relationship or continually confused w/Mr. Midwest (no matter how wonderful he is), maybe the answer is more evident than you think. Or not. :)

  3. KB IN NYC says:

    Simone, you live life with passion honey and thinking too much is a side affect of that. I believe in butterflies, I really do. And I know you’ll figure this out; you always do. On that note, a piece of advice that my mum always gives me: when in doubt do naught.

    I don’t know, do with that what you will.

    XKB

  4. Kitty says:

    I think it depends on what the butterflies are. I’ve been told to run,run, run from the person for whom whom the sexual attraction is really high – a 9 or 10. Because we lose ourselves, give up too much to try to keep them. But the one who is a 6 or 7 – we can still have fun, still have great sex, without losing ourselves. I don’t look for butterflies, but I do look for signs that I’m “falling in love” – that my brain is making those chemicals that make everything fun. I smile a lot, especially around him, I look forward to seeing him. Those chemicals in my head allow me to let down my guard and let him in, get close to him and bond to him.

  5. I tend to over analyze a bit, and sometimes I think I’m looking for something that just isn’t there – I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. There is plenty of time for butterflies. Just enjoy what’s developing with Mr Midwest as is… and please share how you did that if you are successful!

  6. Lexi says:

    These are amazing comments to the topic. Thanks for sharing:)

  7. anny says:

    I echo what Lara wrote and share similar experience with her. My current “Mr Safe and Nice” is a great guy, easy to be with, easy to like…and the sex is decent..and he’s keen to get married, but I’m just not feeling the same pull. Like Lara said, there’s just something when there’s that “magical” chemistry that results in, but goes beyond earth-shattering sex. What we hope for is – a deeper level of connection that’s hard to define. Still – you owe it to yourself to go on this journey, this exploration you’ve started…… and consider and enjoy all the things that are wafting thru your mind and maybe draw some conclusions unique to you alone. Your analysis may not result in all the answers you want, but you’ll get the satisfaction of having, at least, considered what is the right “mix” for you and where you’re at at this point in your life.