I think too much, plain and simple. Always have. I had insomnia as a child, no joke. I’d stay up all night and think – why lie – worry. And I still do.
It’s who I am. This doesn’t mean I’m an unhappy person. I’m not. It just means I’m the kind of person who overthinks every little thing that I do, that other people do, that might happen, has happened, is happening.
I live in my head. And simultaneously in the world. I’ve tried to stop/change. And you know what, not only can’t I, I don’t want to. For me to change would be for me to turn into another person. Maybe that person would be a better person? I don’t know. But she wouldn’t be me, and I kinda like me.
I say all this as a build up to explain how I can be so utterly confused by my own feelings. Because I am. Utterly confused.
Last night, almost on cue (as he dutifully calls exactly when he says he will), I got a call from Mr. Midwest. And as usual he was thoughtful and kind and interested in what I had to say. As I’ve tweeted/written before, he makes it very easy to like him. He was in the process of making fairly elaborate plans for us for tonight and I asked if he wouldn’t mind us doing something more low-key. I’ve had a rough week (as I mentioned last weekend, my hand… it takes me 2x as long to do everything and just maintaining this blog has become a burden because I really need to focus on my “real business”)and just want to throw on some jeans and a tee-shirt and maybe drink some beer.
Anyway, it’s only our 5th date and so still very early but I it’s hit me that maybe I just need to redefine the whole butterflies thing. Maybe that feeling that I’m waiting for isn’t a good/necessary thing after all. Maybe it’s just anxiety.
Mr. Midwest doesn’t make me feel anxious. I’m not sure what he makes me feel. Maybe just happy?
Tags: change, feelings, happiness, insomnia