Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

My Ideal Man?

I was hanging out yesterday with one of my great guy friends.  It was a spectacular day in the city, and we spent the afternoon outdoors, walking and talking.

At some point, out of the blue, he asked me what my ideal guy would be like.

I answered with a sigh and a softly uttered, “I don’t know”.

Because the truth is, I really don’t know.  I’m positively mystified when I hear about women (or men, for that matter) who have long lists of must-haves for potential mates.  I have no such list.  Never have.  It’s true that I’ve attempted to write lists for the sake of this blog but my heart was never in any of them.

I do have a list of things that I consider dealbreakers, but to be honest that list seems to be ever-shifting.  A year (or even a month ago) I would have said that I’d never accept a date with a who lived someplace other than NYC.  Been there, done that, I know how it ends.  But I have plans to meet a guy who lives far, far away later this week.  Why did I change my mind? Because he seems like someone I’d like to meet.  So maybe my dealbreakers aren’t really dealbreakers after all. Maybe they are just preferences that I’ll readily disregard when it suits me.

I wanted to give my friend an answer, so I did the only thing I could. I started with M and listed the things about him that worked for me.  The things I’d like to find again, in someone new. And then I went through all of the things that didn’t work.

Like this but not like that.  Trial and error.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure it was a pointless exercise, for me. One day I’ll meet someone who makes me smile all of the time.  Or I won’t.  And I don’t think it’s going to have anything to do with a list.

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12 to “My Ideal Man?”

  1. Ed says:

    “who makes me smile all of the time.”

    A great relationship is not one without frowns.

    A great relationship is one where the foundation built/ the decision to commit is strong enough to withstand the disappointment that will eventually happen to even the best relationships.

    • Simone Grant says:

      There are ups and downs with any relationship, and they all take work. But it’s no use entering into a serious relationship if that other person doesn’t inspire you to smile, deeply, at the very thought of them. At least, that’s the way I think of it.

  2. jackie says:

    simone, i’m convinced that if you buy off the rack you’ll be forced to wear something ill-fitting. if clothes require custom tailoring to be suitable, how much more so does finding a partner require a unique fit.


  3. Jolene says:

    It’s funny, because I didn’t really know what was on my list either – until I sat down and actually created one. And,it’s changed a few times. I do have a few dealbreakers, but I also think a fair amount of the must-haves come from actually meeting the right guy that has them – things you may have never realized WERE must-haves. i don’t know that I’ve met him yet, but with each guy I date, I tweak my “list” and keep moving forward. good post- I really related to it today, in particular!

    • Zoë says:

      I’m in total agreement with you, Jolene. I’ve tweaked my list as I’ve gone along, discovering new “must haves” that I never knew existed (like how important it is to me that a guy has a strong sense of curiosity). However, I’ve found that dealbreakers also alternate between people. So what was a dealbreaker with one guy (e.g., smoking pot) is not for another (e.g., he smokes very rarely). So…yeah…back to square one, I guess?

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m glad you were able to relate. I think we all learn from experience, what we want and what we don’t want (and what we’re willing to compromise on). I’m just not sure I can gather mine in a list :-)

  4. Terry says:

    The fun part of making up a list is seeing how it becomes broken!

    Lets look at the list for my wife:

    (a) Never doing long distance — did that – lots of work, lots of miles, but did that and it worked

    (b) Never going to have a kid — well, damn – couldn’t be happier that this is off the list and I am having one

    (c) Never be with someone in the entertainment industry — ok, lost that battle

    (d) Avoid jock types — ok, she does everything with a board — snow board, wake board, surf board, and roller board – and she’s good at it, while I am good at one sport these days

    There were a few other things on there – rather silly.

    So make a list- then when you find parts of it are broken- its ok. Its fun- it shows we are human. And if you find someone that meets everything in your list and you find there is no chemistry (did that) — well, you know what to do.

    Oh- I said I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t appreciate good black coffee for good black coffee– first time I gave her a cup she asked for cream and sugar — and it was good coffee– freshly ground!

    Alas, I am smitten and happy. So– make your list, and then see how much you can violate it!

  5. ChoiceEffect says:

    I have to say this whole list thing really baffles me…I’ve had friends say that even girls who think they DONT have lists really do and they turn down dates based on those lists all the time–and of course that’s why they’re all single. Please. Turns out, I dont’ know anyone who doesn’t have a list–but of really basic stuff. Kind, friendly, non-abusive, decent human…but other than that, I can’t name anyone who has list items they actually have never violated (and enjoyed violating)

  6. Holly says:

    I agree with you, I’ve never had a list and don’t see the point. If you make a list, then what happens when you meet someone and they don’t quite add up to your expectations. Do you move on along? No! I think it’s exciting when someone you meet is totally not who you imagined yourself having dinner with, much less dating…much less marrying. “Perfection” in a mate does not exist. There won’t be anyone out there that meets every requirement on your list, so why bother making one?

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