Mr. Newlywed’s Story
This week I decided I to rerun one of the first Guy Story’s. For some reason, I was thinking of it earlier this week. Enjoy -
The Lies You Tell Yourself
I have been married now for 7 months. The most common question you get from everyone who hears you’re recently married is, “Oh, that’s great. How’s married life?” I never understood how, exactly, I was supposed to answer this question. So I always say something along the lines of “wonderful.” Married life is wonderful, but then all life is wonderful, if you have the right outlook. So this to me was sort of a cheating answer. Nevertheless, people always nod and smile when I say it.
I wanted to take this space to tell you what the transition to married life meant for me, and why the most shocking thing about it, is how little show there is. I won’t rehash everything, there isn’t time and i doubt very much interest. I’ll just tell you about one aspect of a relationship which I find stunningly important, sex. Married man sex. I hope the insights will be valuable. You should know something about me at the outset. I’m one of the most sexual people I know. It’s not just that I think about sex often (I think we all do, we just don’t admit it) it’s that I’m comfortable with it. I haven’t had scores of partners or anything, and nearly all the sex I’ve had in my life was in the context of a relationship. That being said. Let’s talk about sex…married sex.
Mine is not the typical male complaint story as you know it: When we were just dating/living together we had sex 17 times a week, involving costumes, video cameras, hot oil, and everything you’ve ever seen in your favorite porn. Now that we’re married it’s twice a month.
That’s not my story. My story goes a little something like this. When my wife and I started dating she was a virgin. I had just come out of a hyper-sexual relationship, which wasn’t really all that healthy. It was something of a respite to not have sex as a central theme in a relationship because it made me focus on all the other aspects of connecting with someone. And so my future wife and I connected on a million levels, and there was enough kissing/sleeping in the same bed/everything but intercourse going on that I wasn’t worried about sex…not yet.
Fast forward nearly three years, we still haven’t had intercourse and it’s starting to become an issue. Her position was that she didn’t want to have sex until she was married, that it was something she wanted to save. My position was I didn’t want to wait to have sex because it’s an important level to connect on and if we didn’t know what that connection would be I didn’t want to go to the next level. Eventually, I won out. But in hindsight I won out for the wrong reasons. The big lesson I’ve learned from this is that you can’t just be honest about what you want. But you need to be honest about WHY you want it.
The truth was yes I wanted the connection of intercourse. Yes, I wanted her to be my wife eventually and I wanted to experience everything possible with her before popping the question, but in truth. I was really horny. I was someone who had come from previous relationships where I was having sex 6 times a week, often in creative locations. To someone who hadn’t gotten off third base in three years. I wanted to have sex with the woman who I had committed myself too, yes I wanted sweet romantic love making, but I also wanted to fuck like a couple of pornstars. Because, you know, variety is the spice of life.
And aside to that point, I believe a healthy relationship has a sexual make up of three parts (I have explained these to my Mrs, BTW):
-Making Love: The sort of soul searching, quiet deep connection that makes you feel totally safe and secure, enhances your relationship and makes you just want to cuddle forever.
-Having Sex: Not as warm and fuzzy, kissing and intimate but both partners also want to have an orgasm, its a physical need routed through an intimate place.
-Fucking: Because every so often you just need to. It’s not about romance, it’s not about life-connections, its about acting out something raw and physical.
So we made love, and it was never comfortable the entire time we dated, and through our engagement. It was always something akin to love making, which has it’s time and place, but never anything more raw/fun. But I love and respect my wife on so many levels, and I wanted to share my life with her, that I decided I didn’t need to have rocking sex to enjoy my life overall. I also convinced myself that marriage was the big sticking point for her. That once we were married her comfort level would increase and she’d be more willing to experiment/have fun. The wedding has come and gone (by the way, no sex on the honeymoon, “aunt flo” decided to come along) and we are still in the same sexual rut we’ve been in for the last 2+ years.
If you were to ask my wife she would say (well she would say it’s none of your goddamn business, but after that) she is up to try anything, and that now that she is secure in our marriage anything I want to do is fine. The truth is any experimenting we’ve done has been on her terms and that sex as a whole in our relationship is on her terms. When she wants it and how she wants it. I’m just sort of here to provide. When you watch that on a sitcom it’s funny, in real life, it’s depressing. The thing is, I convinced myself after the wedding. It would be different. It’s not.
I love my wife. We will be together forever, have a house and kids and be very happy. I guess I’m just surprised that none of my lies, the worst ones, the ones I told myself, never ended up coming true.
Tags: horny, love, married, sex, virgin
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This post seems very sad to me, and if you are in a loving relationship, why can’t you discuss sex and what it means to you? I wonder how long before the guy starts looking elsewhere for sex, as it doesn’t sound like he’s happy, even if he says he is.
I actually find it most disturbing that they didn’t have sex on their honeymoon. I’m not particularly into Aunt Flo threesomes but if that’s the only option…plus was this couple unaware of how periods work…that they come in a cycle…that you can plan for them? Basically I’m trying to suggest this may have been the first “red flag” (pun obviously intended).
That being said, assuming it was just a whoopsies didn’t notice while planning the wedding got caught up etc. than I would actually say this might not be so huge. 7 months isn’t a huge amount of time, communication can get flowing, sex can get perked up, things can change…if he wants them to…because afterall, you have to ask for what you want.
You said this post was from awhile ago…I’d be really interested to know what happened…in the marriage
You will do either one or all three at some point in time:
1) Have an affiar. (I wonder if this was Tigers story)
2) Get Divorced
3)Not live Happily ever after.
sounds like it’s time to have a conversation about what he wants. He should begin (as should she) on what they have going for them and build on that. Once they’ve established what they have going right for them (mind you, they should keep practicing that), they should both talk about things that they would like to see coming out of sex. the thing is that they BOTH have to make concessions and slowly creep out of the rut that is the “comfort zone” and inch through the “learning zone”. Any attempts by either partner to jump into a “panic zone” that is too foreign to the other mate will end in failure. It takes practice and if they BOTH are willing to work toward the common goal, they’ll get there… but it takes practice… LOTS of practice.
WOW! This is they type of marriage I DO NOT want. If I can’t be completely open and honest with my life partner, then wtf are we doing. Obviously you need to work on your communication. I’d love an update.
Doomed!
This was very honest. I would also like to hear back from him with an update on how things are going.
I agree with Sam. I don’t know how this story ends but I’d be willing to bet my last twenty that it isn’t happily ever after. But I also believe that we are the architects of our lives. If he wants more sex and more variety in that sex, he needs to make some changes. He knows what he needs to do. I wonder if he did it.
I alerted Mr. Newlywed to the repost and the comments. He doesn’t have a reply at this time, although he promised to write a follow up, some time in the future “once the next chapter is written”.
Yeah, ‘Any news from the Titanic’? Any news from the iceberg? Keep us posted! Cheers, ‘VJ’
There is NO WAY I could stay in a marriage like that. *sigh* See that sign up ahead? Yep, SPLITSVILLE. Dang.
I think he should give her more time. Expecting things to change just because you got married doesn’t make sense to me, but if she is open to experimenting, then over time, she may become more adventurous.
I also think we’re only hearing his side of the story. Why doesn’t she like what he calls raw sex? Is it that she feels inhibited or that the only time she tried it, it didn’t work? What exactly does he mean by that anyway? Is he talking about a quickie without foreplay that might not appeal to most women or is he talking about positions that don’t involve cuddling?
The other thing I wonder about is, is he really open to doing what she wants? Has he asked and listened to what she is saying or is her too busy trying to figure out how to get her to do it the way he wants it?
I think this guy is talking himself into cheating. He is defining the problem in terms of her and how she doesn’t meet his needs. He has come up with what the ideal sex life would be like for him and he may be romanticizing his past sex life (after all, the other relationship ended). He is not looking at what his wife wants and what they can do as a couple to have a great sex life for both of them. Looking at love in terms of a list of needs you have and whether or not the other person meets them is a mistake. It makes you more likely to cheat, but it also makes it harder to solve the problem and get what you really want.
i just thought that married life is the happiest point of my life.–`
married life is the happiest part of a persons life if the wife and husband really love each other,,-
I am there. I am the woman. I am not happy…
i think the married life is the most special time where a man and woman shares each others blessings and commitment-.;
married life is of course a very happy life, all you need to do is find some happiness deep inside yourself ‘~`