Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Disappointed. And Annoyed.

Disappointed. And Annoyed. dating update  867275 aloneI know that everyone was all excited about my fun/good date on Thursday night, but there isn’t going to be a 3rd date with Mr. Perfect on Paper. I wish I could say that I didn’t care one way or the other, but that would be a lie. I’m disappointed, but considering everything else that’s gone on in my life in the past few months, it’s not that big a deal.

This is the second time I’ve told a about the . Both times the guys seem to think it was fine, and both times…well, neither made it past the 2nd date.

I can’t assume there is a cause and effect, though. Let’s face it, there are lots of reasons a guy might not want to go out with me again. And truthfully (as I’ve already written) me and Mr. Perfect on Paper didn’t have much chemistry.

Right now I’m just irritated at my spectacularly bad judgement. Must stop opening up and exposing myself to the wrong guys.

I’m writing this, btw, on Sunday afternoon. It just hit me that that date was Thursday night and that was 3 days ago. It took Mr. Perfect on Paper 4 days to get in touch after our first date (something I laughed off as silly “rules” nonsense).  So regardless of how much fun (I thought) we had, or what he said about having fun, I can safely assume that he’s just not into me.   Or into playing games (which is just so much worse, in my book). Because if he was interested, even a little, I would have heard from him by now. Especially since I told him about my blog. A , who was interested, would get in touch soon after to let me know that he really was OK with it.

Anyway, rambling and annoyed.  At myself.  Again.


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44 to “Disappointed. And Annoyed.”


  1. Angelica says:

    You shouldn’t be upset with yourself. Be upset with the situation. You opened up and that’s a big thing. I trust that you will find a guy who understands you AND won’t play games with you AND will probably LOVE the fact that you have a blog about dating. I think it’s fantastic because so many of us have these same feelings as you, but can hardly put them into words as well as you.

    Things can only get better and I know it’s easier to say/hear than it is to do.

  2. Confused says:

    What makes you think it’s about the blog? Tons of people have blogs, I doubt anyone would feel compelled to contact a date afterward and say “I don’t mind that you have a dating blog.”

    Maybe, as you said, there was no chemistry and that was that.

    • Simone Grant says:

      “I can’t assume there is a cause and effect, though. Let’s face it, there are lots of reasons a guy might not want to go out with me again. And truthfully (as I’ve already written) me and Mr. Perfect on Paper didn’t have much chemistry.”

      I don’t specifically think it’s about the blog, as stated.

  3. Christan says:

    You told him about your blog, a blog where you tell a bunch of strangers you didn’t feel any chemistry with him. A blog where you have been obsessing over an Ex. You told him point blank to his face that your ex was still sort of in the picture.

    That’s why he didn’t call. I don’t think it’s fair to make it about him not being able to handle your blog. I think it had to do with the fact that you sent some pretty distinct messages to him, many of them negative.

    And…this is the guy you said tried to steer you in the direction of his place after the first date? Well, you mention how important sex is to you in your profile. Maybe that has something to do with it?

    • Simone Grant says:

      He could’ve not called for a dozen reasons. Coulda been the blog, coulda been the ex, coulda been the lack of chemistry. I’ll never know and neither will anyone but him. *shrugs* Life goes on.

  4. NoMoreDuds says:

    What does that mean, excatly, you had “no chemistry.” That’s nonsense. You liked him “on paper,” and you’re disappointed that you’re not going out again. What other “chemistry” were you hoping for?

    As for the blog, I agree to some extent with Christan that it’s the CONTENT of your blog and not “blogging” in the abstract that may have offended him. But, that presumes he read your blog in the first place.

    I read your story and I think you lost him when you started talking about your ex — a guy that this date apparently knew about. You claim your ex is some sort of “character” that everyone remembers but, in my experience as a guy, I am guessing your date (and most other guys) just thought your ex was a douchebag. So, your date probably judged you based on your bad taste in men.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Chemistry – you know, that completely nonsensical and uncontrollable feeling – butterflies in the stomach, tingling in your toes, urge to smile… It’s either there or it’s not. And this was a case of 2 people (he and I) who got along really well and didn’t really have chemistry. It happens.

      I was/am disappointed because I’m willing to believe that sometimes chemistry grows. I don’t know if I believe that, but I’m willing to give it time.

      • NoMoreDuds says:

        If you want to be wildly, physically attracted to someone, I don’t understand why you can’t just say that. Why do you have to use a cliche and “nonsensical” concept like chemistry. You’re supposed to be a writer after all, no?

        • Simone Grant says:

          You seem to be the only one who doesn’t relate to the concept of chemistry. No need to insult me.

          There is actually a difference between “wild physical attraction” and chemistry, in the way that I’m using it. The man is question is very attractive. I could imagine myself having sex with him, if it were a casual thing. But I don’t feel anything inside when we are together. My most recent ex, M, on the other hand…if I saw a picture of him I would say, “sorry, I pass”. But when we are together my insides go all wobbly.

          If you don’t get the difference, then you don’t.

          • NoMoreDuds says:

            That’s true, I don’t get the difference at all. When you said there was “no chemistry” you conveniently linked back to your first description of him and not the second date where you clearly liked him and you didn’t mention the lack of so-called “chemistry” at all. In fact, you were giddy with excitement about kissing outside the restaurant.

  5. I know how you feel. I always tell guys I date about my blog. In fact, if it’s a guy from the internet most of them have heard about my blog and read it before we’ve even met. Some guys are “afraid” of it (or afraid they will end up in it) and other guys have totally loved it. I am also the girl that’s too honest sometimes but that’s me, I like to say what I think and feel. Don’t be too hard on yourself for opening up. At the time, it seemed right and there is no harm in that. Just be who you are and eventually you will find a guy that appreciates that (and your blog).

    • Simone Grant says:

      You are much braver than I am. I keep this part of my life separate from my “dating life”, for the most part. But I agree with you that the right guy/right time with come and it will all just come together. Or not, and he’s not out there. Either way, the guy for me isn’t going to be threatened or upset by it.

  6. It’s really hard trying to figure out when “rules” are ridiculous and when they’re a indicator that it’s time to move on. My previous boyfriend pursued me right off the bat (and we ended up being together 6 years) but then again, he lived 2.5 hours away which meant that phone conversations were a lot more vital. I’m currently dating the “Garbage Man” and I must say, I’ve been quite lax with the rules but everytime I think he obviously is “not that into me” he pops up. Am I being too hard on him, the rules, the real world where people work and are tired lol? or am I’m being too accepting, too game-participating, too desperado? Who knows…at best guess though I’d say you’re most disappointed by the fact that “something” didn’t work out and not specifically this guy…because afterall…you didn’t even feel chemistry with him…

    • Simone Grant says:

      Very astute observation. I still wasn’t “feeling it”, although I enjoyed his company. And I would have given it another date to see. And if not, NOT. So my disappointed is very much of the general nature. And with myself, because I was more open than I usually am. And it was the wrong time/wrong guy.

  7. Lara says:

    When one is a person who opens up authentically, there will always be a risk of the “wrong one” who will judge or play games. Telling you perhaps you dodged a bullet sounds utterly simplistic, yet I think it’s true. I’m gather you just needed to vent, though, and you already know this! :)

  8. Caitlin says:

    The way I see it when this exact thing has happened to me (and it’s happened a number of times) is that it’s better to be disappointed after only 2 good dates, than really hurt and heart-broken after making a relationship out of it. Good on paper is great, but if you just *know* that something isn’t quite there, then there’s a good chance it never would have been. You can’t blame yourself for opening up!

  9. Terry says:

    I put a great deal in chemistry- if it isn’t there don’t go on. Of course, my last bit of chemistry landed me in a great relationship and marriage!

    Regarding the comments about your blog and etc — as a guy, the blog, or you talking about an ex makes no difference to me. All people have baggage, all people have those who were their last “best” ones– and mature guys don’t care about that. Mature guys, in my opinion – care about intelligent, interesting conversation- and our own few quirks — for eg -I’d never go out with someone who is religious – but that was me.

    So – no chemistry- perfect on paper– well, gotta have chemistry to make the fire and if someone is too intimidated to be with you because of this blog– why the hell would you want that person in your life (you are much too strong a woman to put up with such a mouse).

    • Simone Grant says:

      That all makes tons of sense. And there are plenty of fish in the sea. I hear the men in Rome are really quite handsome, maybe I should go there for a while.

  10. Terry says:

    Men and women in Rome dress beautifully- eat well, and know a few languages. They are secular, they are continental, and their view of life is not regional (or as you would say– from the burbs) Yes- as a doctor, I would prescribe some time in Rome for you.

  11. Jolene says:

    Did you SHOW him the blog or just tell him you write one about dating? I’ve told some guys I’ve dated that I have a blog about my post-divorce life (including dating) but have never shown it to anyone or told them what it’s called, so they can’t actually see it. So, just curious. Either way, bummer about the non-starter with this guy. I know the feeling!

    • Simone Grant says:

      I told him the name. I figured that if I was going to tell him I had a blog I’d go all the way. I have no idea if he bothered to look at it and I kinda don’t care one way or the other.

      And yeah, it’s a bummer, but I have a couple of dates this week so…

  12. Sandyvs says:

    Perhaps POP’S (Perfect on paper)reluctance was because you mentioned ‘M’. The reason why I suggest this is because I had a date with a really hot guy right after I’d broken up with someone that I’d gotten serious with. There was ‘chemistry’ there, but he didn’t really jump into anything, even though we stayed in touch. Later, when I asked him why he didn’t make a move, he said, “You were still in love with that Jackass”. He was spot on in that observation. Simone, it could take you months to get over this ‘big’ one, and all the guys that you date for quite some time will just be ‘fillers’ until your heart is ready to move on. Personally, it took me well over 6 months to get over the Jackass. It may take you more, or less, but you’re not going to be over M in 2 weeks. If POP was really perceptive, he knew that. Have you ever dated someone that you knew was just not ready to be in a relationship or even seriously date, because they were still getting out of or over another relationship?

    • Simone Grant says:

      My apologies for staying away from this comment thread so long. I got distracted.

      So, several thoughts. Yes, I have dated men who weren’t ready to be dating.

      As for me, and whether I’m ready = I AM. I REALLY, REALLY AM. Last weekend, when I wrote about heartbreak, I wasn’t writing about myself. I mean, I KNOW heartbreak. But I’m not currently feeling it. The only thing I feel with I think about M (and I rarely do) is anger. And that seething anger I felt a couple of weeks ago is gone. Now it’s a mild annoyance that I let him waste so much of my time.

      I’m ready to move on.

      As far as POP goes. we just weren’t a good match. I’m cool with that :-)

  13. Erin says:

    Dating and blogging about it has to be super hard. Just writing about my boyfriend occasionally is kinda nerve-wracking for me because I don’t want him to feel ambushed. And we’ve been together a long time. If I were going on first and second dates, I just don’t know how I’d handle blogging about them. Maybe you can try Jessica’s thing — tell the next guy about the blog right away and just see what happens. Like an experiment!

    Also, Mr. Paper might call you. Who knows what crazy business has happened in his life for the past few days.

    • Simone Grant says:

      It is nerve-wracking and I really prefer to keep things completely on the QT. But I know that sooner or later I’ll find someone who needs to know everything.

      And maybe one day it will get easier?

  14. Stupid jerk. I’m sorry, I always hate this idea of going on a date with someone and then fading off into the distance. A first date, fine. Second date, get up the balls to at least write an email. I know i’ve been guilty of this in the past and vow not to do it. Then at least you’d know something! Why in the rest of the world are we polite but in the dating one that all goes out the window?

    C’est la vie. Good riddance. Whatever.

    I don’t agree that chemistry has to be right off the bat. I used to not think so, but a recent experience has taught me otherwise!

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m up in the air about the chemistry thing. I used to think it was necessary from day one. But I keep hearing stories about people who met and didn’t feel it right away and…

      Anyway, I’m open to experiments. Life is short. Why not try stuff out and see what works?

  15. hey, you have been writing! the link on my page shows that you have not updated in 2 months! hmmm.. need to check my link.

    anyway, i have learnt that sometimes what looks good on paper may not necessarily mean that you want it. it just seems like a good idea but the reality of it may be different. better luck next time? ;)

  16. Miss Alpha says:

    I found that when I was quick to tell a guy about the blog, it’s a sign I don’t like him as much as other guys. Maybe that was a factor here? Guys who really liked me were always curious, in a good way, and it never scared them off.

    • Simone Grant says:

      That’s a very interesting point. In both cases, these were guys I felt very comfortable with, but not in a romantic way.

      No butterflies.

      Very interesting indeed.

  17. rita says:

    i think that you have to let yourself open up to people and yeah, a lot of the time they will turn out to be a waste of your time, but, if someone is worth it but you dont open up he might not stick around. I guess what im trying to say is that you cant beat yourself up everytime you let someone in and they disappoint you maybe it just means it wasnt meant to be… this is definitely better said than done because as im typing this i think im partially trying to convince myself that this is the best way to think lol.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Let myself open to people is not my strong suit, I’m not going to lie. I do better with walls and barriers (not that I think that’s a good thing).

      Years ago, a guy I’d been dating for about 6 months said one of the things he liked the most about me was that I didn’t overburden him with my personal stuff. That I kept things to myself. He was a douchebag, btw, and I broke up with him not long afterwards.

      Anyway, I’m still learning how not to keep things to myself.

  18. Brad says:

    “A decent guy, who was interested, would get in touch soon after to let me know that he really was OK with it.”

    It’s probably best not to test men. We’re not just dysfunctional women, we have our own way of seeing things. The hint you wanted/expected him to pick up on weren’t even a tiny blip on his radar.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I wasn’t testing him. Not in the slightest bit. I wanted to tell him (for whatever random reason) at the time. It wasn’t a hint.

      But a few days later, thinking back at it, I knew. If he liked me, he’d have followed up. Because I made myself vulnerable to him. And the “right” thing to do, whether you’re a man or woman, when someone exposes themselves to you is to respond. In some way. Not to leave them hanging. If you want that person in your life.

      No test. Just normal human stuff.

  19. Matt says:

    Ugh tell me about it. I did the same thing recently and came up with a theory – we write/express this stuff so we can be removed from the pain and nonsense of dating and trying to find ‘love’. Either way people think it’s weird and we’re just working out our issues online. Which we kind of are, but it’s cheaper (and maybe better) than therapy. Fa!

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m sorry it happened to you, too. SUCKS.

      It’s funny, I’ve had people tell me straight out that I must be a narcissist or working out my issues online, and I keep thinking, at least I’m trying to work them out. HELLO 99% of the rest of you messed up people. Sorry, but introspection is good. Sharing my thoughts, well, if people wanna read…

  20. Simone, I’m with you, so don’t feel bad. I can’t help but be open either, and that’s what makes us excellent writers and bloggers! xoxo

  21. Kelly says:

    The good thing is that Mr. Perfect on Paper didn’t seem to interest you much either. Maybe it was nice to have a couple of fun, casual dates and leave it at that. Why try to create a relationship when there’s not much there to begin with? We readers are all glad you are blogging, and we’re routing for the right guy for you, not just a POP.
    xo

    • Simone Grant says:

      Yes, that’s quite true. I want the whole thing. Maybe not perfect in every way, but a good, well-rounded guy who makes me smile when I think of him and makes me weak in the knees when we’re together. POP didn’t come close to any of those things.