So yesterday I was replying to comments and I wrote something that was probably more true and important than anything in the post itself:
I would never dream of making someone else completely responsible for my happiness, or my emotional well-being.
There are things that our partners do to alter our happiness and stability, our inner-strength. A supportive partner can make a person feel strong(er).
And sadly, sometimes otherwise strong people can feel cut down by partners who are “less than supportive”. Who send negative and belittling messages through their actions. And, I’ve come to the conclusion that those negative and belittling messages are not accidental. They are not things that should be ignored or made neutral by the occasional, “I’m sorry”. They are the real truth and should be heeded.
I’ve always said that I’m in the actions speak louder than words camp. But somehow, when it comes to assessing how a guy really feels about me, I’ve let the right words erase bad actions, time after time. Stupid, I know. Because I’m sorry, or I love you might be nice to hear, but they don’t make up for someone treating you badly. Not over and over. Not when you point out their offensive behavior, they acknowledge it as hurtful and then turn around and do the same thing again. And again. There is no, “I’m sorry” big enough for that.
ps I’m writing this ps at 3:30 am. I can’t sleep. Too suddenly filled with rage. I’m still processing what went down a couple weeks ago. And yeah, it’s going to take me a while to deal with my anger. Mostly at myself for letting that into my life again. But also at him. Because he wore me down and made me believe him and then went back to treating me like a cheap umbrella (worth having around when you need an umbrella, but not worth taking care of, and of so little value that you’re likely to forget it).
Tags: sorry, truth