Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

“Getting My Act Together”????

Recently, as part of a comment about ending things with M, a reader mentioned that it sounded like I was getting my act together.  It was meant, I suppose, as a .

I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  I guess I don’t see how telling M that he blew it was getting my act together. Or maybe the big step I took was coming to that realization for myself.  Either way, I don’t get it.

I’d hazard a guess that a lot of people, maybe most, would have made the same I did.  To give the ex (the one that never really disappeared, never really stopped trying even if all of his attempts were half-assed) another chance. Or maybe I’m wrong, maybe most people have an easy time  shutting their hearts closed to people they used to .  I don’t know.  I wish it were that easy for me, but as someone who doesn’t fall in easily, I also don’t fall out of easily.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this for days now.  And I just want to say that, in fact, I don’t have my act any more together today than I did last Monday.  Or the Monday before that. I’m still very much a work in progress.  Still very much a mess.  I’m blessed with many things, but one of them is not certainty.  And without certainty I will always stumble about decisions of the heart, always take days/weeks to figure out what I want/need.  And I’ll usually have to try things out to see if they work, because that’s the only way I’ll ever really know.

That is all.

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14 to ““Getting My Act Together”????”

  1. Sandyvs says:

    That was kind of a backhanded compliment wasn’t it? Don’t you just love those, ‘Glad you finally got your head out of your ass’ statements? Or better yet, ‘I TOLD YOU’!
    I think having your ‘act together’ means you do what you truly feel is the right thing for YOU to do, not what some set of rules says is the right thing and not what anyone else says is right for you. Plus, having your ‘act together’ means you can look at that other person and say, “I cannot live the way YOU want me to live and be happy”.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Yes, I guess it was a backhanded compliment. Though my impression is that the person thought they were being positive.

      Anyway, I like your definitions of having your act together.

  2. singlegirlie says:

    It’s amazing how a simple comment from a stranger affects us, isn’t it? Whether or not you are getting your act together was just one person’s observation based on limited information you have given about your situation.

    I often encounter Twittter followers who give me advice or make judgments about me and my life. It amuses me that they think they know me based on my 140-character tweets. As a blogger, you reveal more than that, but the truth is, nobody really knows the nuances of your situation nor is qualified to make judgments. M has an entire life and history behind him that motivates his behavior that nobody here is aware of. And so do you.

    So someone saying you are getting your act together, in my opinion, doesn’t mean you are – and it doesn’t mean you aren’t. It doesn’t mean you didn’t have your act together before – and it doesn’t mean you did. Because s/he likely doesn’t have enough information to make that call. And even if s/he did, it’s just an opinion.

    It’s natural for people to form judgments and opinions based on the information they do have, but I always try to remember there is a lot of info they don’t have. It’s also hard for me to ignore comments, because I’m a sensitive kinda gal. But I do try to remember that online, people don’t really know me and I should take whatever they say with a grain of salt.

    Hugs to you, girl. I don’t know everything about you and M, but I do know how difficult it is to still have feelings for an ex.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks so much, darling, because of course you’re right. It’s natural for people to make judgements and have opinions based on the little bits of info I give them. I need to try harder to remember that whatever anyone says out here about me, it isn’t really about me. Big *hugs* to you, too.

  3. Fishy says:

    Hmm, this seems to have hit a nerve. I went on a date with another blogger and she too would linger on comments made on her posts. I personally don’t feel affected by comments from people who only know the blog me.

    • Simone Grant says:

      It did and it didn’t hit a nerve. I wasn’t upset by the comment (I will admit that sometimes comments do upset me). But it was something I kept thinking about because it really didn’t make sense to me – how was I getting my ask together/how was it more together this week than last?

      But yes, you are right in that I need to not be affected, at all, by comments here as it’s my blog is just a tiny bit of who I am. Smart man.

  4. pansophy says:

    That statement stood out to me too. People judge without even realizing that’s what they are doing.

    But I think what you are missing here is that most people can’t live in the ambiguity that you live in, or actually welcome into your life. Most people see ambiguity as part of the problem; inviting chaos into their lives that should be eradicated as soon as possible.

    That’s what ‘getting your act together’ is. You made a decision that reduced ambiguity in your life and reducing uncertainty is the goal for most people.

    What that poster didn’t get was that reducing uncertainty in your life was never your goal…

    • Simone Grant says:

      Hmm. I do tend to miss that (the fact that most people can’t live comfortably in ambiguity). Frequently. I wonder if that’s why some people get so irritated with me (or one of the reasons). Because uncertainty and ambiguity seem natural to me. And yes, as you said, reducing uncertainty in my life in never my goal. I can see how that might piss off some people :-)

  5. I totally get what you mean about feeling like it takes you much longer than everyone else to fall out of love! I always feel like everyone else around tolerates alot less crap and are much better at the whole breaking up thing. I love very deeply and for me that just isn’t easy to undo. Its nice to hear that I’m not the only member of the club :>

    • Simone Grant says:

      Nope, you’re not the only member of that club. Honestly, I thought I’d moved on last year. I’ve been dating (a lot). Even spent a few months with someone kinda special (just not special enough).

      But every time M popped back on the radar my heart told me, “not done yet”.

      Until now.

  6. Terry says:

    I have nothing to say- so I’ll say it.

    I was as far from getting an act together as I could have been. I was a mess- and have the stories to prove it.

    I’m not saying this to make things nice or world filled with rainbows– in many ways, I’m just happy to have made it through my 20’s and to be still on this planet breathing.

    I was smacked in the head with this gal I married. and it turned my world upside down – and everything I thought I had figured out.

    So- that’s just me- through my glasses, and my prescription probably won’t fit your vision of the world– but I can say this–
    It found me- I worked for it– but it found me — and when it did my world has become better. It didn’t become better for anything I did.

    So, my story- simple- short- and easy. My life before- filled with a lot of bad dates, a lot of bad love, and now I am a blathering idiot. I really, really, really thought I had figured it out–
    am I glad I was wrong

    • Simone Grant says:

      I couldn’t be happier that you’re happy. Reading your blog makes me so happy, and a little jealous.

      I don’t think I have anything figured out. And it would be quite nice to have that knowledge smack me in the head one day. Quite nice indeed.

  7. I’m not sure how to take the backward comment either. I am going to attempt to take the ‘sunny side up’ version . . . so here goes.

    Perhaps by making the painful decision to end things with M, you are able to continue on your journey . . . wherever that journey may lead you. Perhaps this decision causes you to attempt to put things behind you . . . cuz, sweetie I get that it isn’t an easy or simple process. The indecision of what to do is now behind you, you’ve made the choice at the fork in the road and can now continue your journey to heal and be happy.

    We are all in different states of “mess”, and anyone who claims they aren’t is lying to themselves. Life is a journey of constant improvement . . . with many bumps along the way. Happiness isn’t a constant – it is something for which we must constantly work and strive.

    In my opinion – I think you are a step ahead of many others because you are striving to untangle your mess. I’m right there with you. I may have a different tangle than yours – but don’t doubt for a minute that you are alone.

  8. Herkimer says:

    Thanks for posting this; just found your blog searching around. Keep up the good work!