Recently, as part of a comment about ending things with M, a reader mentioned that it sounded like I was getting my act together. It was meant, I suppose, as a compliment.
I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I guess I don’t see how telling M that he blew it was getting my act together. Or maybe the big step I took was coming to that realization for myself. Either way, I don’t get it.
I’d hazard a guess that a lot of people, maybe most, would have made the same choice I did. To give the ex (the one that never really disappeared, never really stopped trying even if all of his attempts were half-assed) another chance. Or maybe I’m wrong, maybe most people have an easy time shutting their hearts closed to people they used to love. I don’t know. I wish it were that easy for me, but as someone who doesn’t fall in love easily, I also don’t fall out of love easily.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this for days now. And I just want to say that, in fact, I don’t have my act any more together today than I did last Monday. Or the Monday before that. I’m still very much a work in progress. Still very much a mess. I’m blessed with many things, but one of them is not certainty. And without certainty I will always stumble about decisions of the heart, always take days/weeks to figure out what I want/need. And I’ll usually have to try things out to see if they work, because that’s the only way I’ll ever really know.
That is all.
Tags: choice, compliment, love