Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Safe

It was, I think, the last night we spent together in LA.  In the morning I’d be flying home to New York and then, a day later, M would be taking off for the first of two back to back business trips.  First, he’d be in Europe for a couple of weeks and then Miami for a month.

We had no concrete plans to see each other after I left.  No plans for the future.  And I’d started to suspect that his move to New York wasn’t ever happening.

But that night I slept peacefully in his arms, feeling safe and secure.  In fact, I look back at that as one of the best nights of my life (though, I’m not really talking about the sleeping part).

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to explain to myself or anyone else how I could’ve felt so safe amidst so much uncertainty.  All I know is that I trusted M.  Completely. That he’d earned my trust.  And that I felt like, if there was one thing in the world that I could count on, it was that he’d never hurt me.

Flash forward a month or so and I was crying a lot. M and I were barely speaking.  He’d asked me to come down to Miami to visit him and when I got there he spent the weekend not looking at me. Looking past me. Acting like a stranger.

No security there.

And now it’s a little more than 2 years later and we’ve been on a silly merry-go-round of speaking and not-speaking and hating and loving. I’ve come to the realization, more than once, that we just can’t work together. That our for each other are irrelevant. But I keep on coming back for one more try.

I want more than anything else to just be able to lie in his arms and feel safe again but I’m not sure that’s even possible.  Ever. And the funniest part is, the harder I try to make it work, the more elusive it seems.

Maybe it really is too late?

I don’t know. Or, I’m not sure…


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12 to “Safe”


  1. Jordana says:

    Oh girl, how many times I’ve felt this way. I wish there was something I could say, some easy solution but there is not. Once trust is gone, it’s hard to get back, unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can get that feeling back and he is willing to work hard to get it back, it seems as if you will always be looking for that feeling you once had. But yet moving on is just as hard because you are always looking for that feeling you had with M. And sometimes it seems as though you sabotage yourself because you miss M and you want that one more chance. It’s hard. But I know you will make the right choice for your happiness! I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. Your post made me cry – hit me to close to home.. in my case, the only way I am able to find solace is when I completely cut off contact with him.. Its been a year and even if I so much as see him, I go right back to all that raw pain right after the initial breakup..

    I really really hope things do work out for you and M :)

  3. Fishy says:

    Gosh. Girl, if you feel it – and only you know that – then you have to stick with it. I can’t remember ever feeling ‘safe’ as you describe it, so you must be on to something.

  4. Sherell says:

    You have the answer in your last sentence: “the harder I work, the more elusive it seems.” You need to relax and let things flow. Love can be like quicksand, the more you try to move, the sooner you sink!

  5. Sherell says:

    move things along that is

  6. I haven’t commented before on you and M because I’ve honestly been thinking about what to write. My first instinct is to tell you to not go there because you just sound so….anguished! And love shouldn’t be anguished. You should be happy and giddy and wanting to run into the arms of the person you love!

    From this post, I am deducing that you and M shared something deep that you haven’t felt with anyone else since. And he broke your trust in some deep way. I don’t think anyone should tell another person what to do in a relationship. I was not there; none of us were but you. But if you’re going to make this leap, you want to know they he will not turn around and do the same thing to you that he did before. What is it this time that makes you think that he won’t?

    That was a rhetorical question; I don’t expect you to answer. But if you’re going to move forward with this, I think you both need to forgive each other. Have an honest conversation about what happened. Until he can explain to you why he acted the way he did and you can explain how much it hurt you, I don’t you’ll be able to move forward.

    This coming from someone who knows. I wish you lots of luck! Here’s to finding your happiness!

  7. Deedee says:

    There is such a thing as “safe”. It’s a feeling that permeates you, when you know that someone has your best interests at heart; that they are acting in your best interest, not their own.
    Bottom line: the difference between the heartbreaker and the man offering shelter, safety, in his arms… is the heartbreaker will bail when you want more from him than he is willing to give.
    The heartbreaker feeds you enough to get you hooked, and give you illusions of what *could” be your future together.
    The safe guy will offer you the future together and you will know that he means it, with all his heart.
    I wish you the best, and I send you strength and support as you work through this time.

  8. Simone Grant says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for your feedback and comments. I’m sorry for making anyone cry. I made myself cry, just trying to process this all.

    Yes, Deedee, there is such a thing as safe. And I want it again, desperately. I ache for it. I also know that I can never find it again with M.

    Everyone’s comments this week have meant a lot to me. REALLY! Sorry I didn’t take the time to comment/reply specifically but it was all just a little too close to what I was living. I needed to give myself space.

  9. maria says:

    This is really sweet, Simone.
    Or bittersweet. But mostly sweet.

  10. I know this scenario all too well. Too damn well…I only realized this week (Thursday to be exact) that I had to let him go. For good this time.

  11. Leah says:

    I have been reading your blog off and one for a month or so, and only now felt compelled to comment. I am in the exact same situation as you, and his name also starts with M. His name is Mike, and he’s been my ex for a few years now, but because I never got over him, and maybe the same could be said for him, we can’t help talking to each other on email and chat, but always in cycles. We email and then get into a fight, and then don’t talk for a few months and then email everyday again… I can’t imagine being with him, because I’d be miserable-we don’t share the same values or goals, but I can’t imagine being without him either, because I feel he’s The one, and I’ve always felt that way. I’m stuck, and I sense that you are too. How I deal with it, is by trying to make myself into a better person. Somehow, I think, that if I could focus my energy on that, I could fill up my life, and develop myself enough to control my feelings, or change enough so that I am a different person and no longer feel the way I do about him. Maybe this is just something I made up to feel better, but at least it keeps me busy. I wanted to write this here so that in case you read it, you know someone else is going through the exact same thing…

    • Simone Grant says:

      Leah,
      I’m just seeing your comment now. Sorry, I don’t know how I missed it. Thank you. And I hope you’re doing well. I know how hard it is. I don’t know if this means anything, but I’ve been doing really well these last few weeks. It’s amazing how quickly things started to seem OK.