Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Damned If I Know

I think of myself as, primarily, a storyteller. Every once and a while I’ll share a how-to  (which usually is more of a “how I did it” than an actual how-to) but one thing I never do is solicit questions from lovelorn readers.

Sometimes, though, readers come to me with their questions. And they know the deal. I’m no . Just a girl who’s dated a lot and who’s been in a lot of seriously messed up relationships. If, knowing that, someone wants my advice then I’m going to give it to them.

Recently a young(ish) man came to me with a problem. He’d done something terrible to upset his girlfriend and she ended their . He was heartbroken. He tried to apologize, to get her back, but she wasn’t interested. So he kept trying. And in his emotionally overwrought state he did some things which he now realizes were inappropriate. He kept calling. And calling. And went by her home uninvited. He did things that could be considered scary, all of which he’s horribly sorry for.

And he still desperately wants her back and wants to know how to make it happen.

And he was asking me?

I told him that he might not like my advice.  That I didn’t have any magic solutions for him but that there were several other people online who’d be happy to sell him magical Get Your Ex Back solutions.  But that I didn’t really think that that was what he needed.  I felt he needed to give this woman time.  Because he’d been, basically, harassing her.  She needed to not hear from him for a while.  And then she deserved an .  And then, even then, she might never want to speak to him again.

That the cold, hard is that their relationship might actually be over. Even if he still loves her and misses her.  Because that’s just the way the world works.  Some relationships fail.  His might.  It might not.  But it might.  And that he was going to have to accept that.

Funny how this just came up, btw, as I am struggling with my own end-of-relationship issues. Yeah, funny.

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4 to “Damned If I Know”

  1. Terry says:

    The issue here is beyond the loss of a girlfriend– it is a loss of himself. The need to have this person pushed a boundary that indicates the need for help. He needs to see a shrink. Stalking is not a normal behavior – it is a cry for help – and if he got her back, it would never be enough- he would need her undivided and constant attention – and that wouldn’t be enough. He would need affirmations from another – and that wouldn’t be enough.

    So your advice sound– leave her alone. Second part that you didn’t say — see a professional — you can always say so that he can learn to let go. Chances are he won’t be able to leave her alone, until he finds someone else to smother – and again, that won’t be enough.

    • Simone Grant says:

      LOL, it didn’t even occur to me to tell him he should seek professional help, but of course that might be sensible. I was more concerned that he process the idea that relationships end. Not all of them, but most of them. And that it was unreasonable of him to assume he HAD to fix things and that she HAD to listen to him.

      But yeah, you’re right. Spot on.

  2. Holly says:

    First of all, didn’t you say he did something to mess up the relationship? Then you are right, he needs to leave her alone! If you’ve messed up, then be prepared to pay the consequences. Why WOULD she want to talk to him? Sometimes people are so dumb. Then again, love can make some people go crazy. This actually happened to me before and it is scary. My ex trying to follow me in his car, showed up at my house uninvited, etc.

    I think your advice was good. Sometimes relationships just don;t work out. It is a sucky reality, but it’s just that…reality. Good luck on your own relationship too…it can be tough.

  3. CJ says:

    @Holly- Even if he had done NOTHING wrong, and she wanted him to stop contacting her, he needs to stop. Even if SHE had screwed up in the relationship, he needs to BACK OFF when she asks him to. (This is, of course, assuming that she was clear on the ‘backing off’ bit.)

    Sure people need to own their shit, but even if it has nothing to do with you, people need to respect the personal boundaries of others.