Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Can’t Breathe

As I’ve mentioned before, M knows about this blog. He has, on occasion, even commented on random posts (and yes, they were about him).  He doesn’t read it everyday, but it would be wrong for me to write much about what I’m thinking and feeling right now.

So I won’t go into too much detail.

I was supposed to have a date yesterday.  A .   in the early afternoon.  And I had another first date scheduled for tonight. But I cancelled them both.  M doesn’t know anything about them (yet).

The dates didn’t get cancelled because he and I are back together.  Not at all.  I don’t know what he and I are, yet. And I don’t know when I’ll know. He’s said a lot of things and I’ve said a lot of things but our conversation came nowhere near a resolution. And he packs up and gets on a plane at the end of the week.

I just didn’t/don’t want to waste these guys’ time.  Mentally I’m in no shape to date this week. I can’t imagine making pleasant small talk and flirting. Not now. Not yet.

I’d like to think I’ll know something before he leaves.  Whether that something is

  • Keep dating, don’t count on him for shit, try to be patient, and maybe he’ll surprise me
  • Stop dating because we’re both going all in
  • Keep dating because I really am a moron, I never should’ve met him for that drink

(or some other possibility I can’t envision) it will be nice to have the knowledge. Because then I’ll know and I can start to breathe again.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I feel like I haven’t taken a proper breath in days?  I feel like all of the air has been squeezed out of my lungs. sucks.

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16 to “I Can’t Breathe”

  1. jackie says:

    “And I would have, were it not for the crushing sensation in my chest. The concept of coming up for air never simply occurred to me…”

    If you’re in this deep (and you are) dive baby, dive… just make sure you come up for air.


  2. Deedee says:

    Not that you asked, but here’s my two cents: Love shouldn’t hurt. A relationship shouldn’t cause such anxiety. You shouldn’t always be on pins and needles wondering where you stand, whether he’s in or he’s out, whether your emotional investment is wasted. You’re still in love with him, but he is toxic to you, I think. Close that door. Close it, and move on. * I am a regualr reader, not a shrink, but I want you to be happy. You don’t sound happy : (

  3. Sam says:

    Agree with Deedee, one hundred percent!

  4. I’m inclined to agree with DeeDee, especially since I now know how amazing it is to be with someone who is mature enough to love me without creating all the anxiety. But I also know that when you’re attached to someone like M, it can be terrible to try to separate what you want from what you probably know is realistic. And I’ve always felt that not knowing is way, way worse than knowing, no matter what the outcome. But you should also try to remember that regardless of whether M has really changed or not, you are going to be fine – you have a fabulous life without him!

  5. Kelly says:

    I hate to say this, because most of us have been here, but DeeDee may be right…best to cut your losses with a toxic relationship, because if it’s right it’s not so confusing. Although it is worth pointing out that there is a reason you keep being lulled back in, and it’s good to find out why…what does he possess that you want for yourself? Most of the time you already have it, so keep that in mind. He might keep popping back up to teach you something about yourself, if that makes sense. Good luck with this and we are all wishing you the best. xo

  6. Jordana says:

    I’d have to agree with DeeDee, but having been where you are many times, in that place of I can’t take a proper breath because I just don’t know I’m inclined to feel utter empathy with you. I’m in a place right now where it’s all about me because I’m in no place to date..I must first find and be happy with me, and I’m convinced that someday I will, but no love should not hurt….however if that breathless feeling is a good thing, well that’s another story…but the anxiety sucks and love shouldn’t hurt. You are beautiful and deserve love that doesn’t hurt.

  7. Simone Grant says:

    I appreciate everyone’s advice and input, I do. That is not my polite way of saying ‘back off’. The reality is, I don’t disagree with those of you who say it shouldn’t be this hard. And that M is toxic for me. I really don’t (disagree).

    At the same time, like Quirkyeconomist pointed out, sometimes not knowing is worse than knowing. I need to know. I’ve tried moving on, on my own. Several times. I’ve dated lots of other men. Gone months w/o contact. I have my own life. And now I have the opportunity to try again with him and if it doesn’t work then I’ll know I really gave it everything I had.

    I get there are people who won’t understand that. Who just think I’m a spineless, pathetic, delusional fool. I’m cool with that.

    • Deedee says:

      “Who just think I’m a spineless, pathetic, delusional fool.” Oh, no, no. We are ALL love’s fools. We all follow our hearts, sometimes to a bad end, but nevertheless, the heart doesn’t listen to the head.
      You deserve to be in a relationship that fortifies you. That’s what I wish for you. I am sorry if I made you feel bad.

      • Simone Grant says:

        “We are ALL love’s fools.” Ain’t that the truth!

        I didn’t mean you or anyone who’d commented when I made that statement. I just know that some people won’t get it. But I so appreciate your support and kindness.

    • anny says:

      just started reading your blog a couple of days ago – enjoying it tremendously..thank you! i’m not into cosmic coincidences, but your story of M mirrors my own of R – uncanny the similarities….R just came back into my life Monday. totally understand where you’re at and i’m rooting for you and M to figure it out and do whatever it is that make you both happy – define your own happiness between the two of you, don’t let the world dictate what it should look like.

  8. Like most everyone here, I agree with DeeDee – both the first and second comment. You can decide to go all in this time but if you don’t get the same commitment back from him – you really gotta close the chapter forever. I really hope it works out for you – like really. But if it doesn’t work out you have to give yourself a closure (you owe it to yourself) instead of expecting him to give it to you. Because that may never happen.

  9. Ah, tough call! My heart has limits, though, and the older I get the more familiar I become with them. If you’re both not willing to go all in – for real – no bringing up the past – really, truly attempt a real relationship, then why are you both wasting your time?

    And if you don’t know by now whether you want to go all in – or whether you can believe that HE will go all in – then you’ll probably never know. Not every question can be answered.

    Good luck! Hope you get some resolution sooner rather than later.

  10. I, too, agree with both of Deedee’s comments. However, let me also say that I totally get your “need to know” one way or the other. You are definitely choosing the tougher path – but by doing it you won’t spend your life looking back wondering “what if . . .” You have to choose what’s best for you – sometimes despite what many around you say. I truly wish you the very best – stay strong, stay true to yourself and breath. I know you feel the need to see it through – but stay focused enough to realize that if you start compromising the essence of who you are . . . it’s time to cut your losses and put the toxin behind you. Stay true to you!

  11. Simone Grant says:

    Yep, yep and yep. Thank you, again, everyone for your support (and welcome to the new commenters). I have to say, this has been a really hard week for me. Hard. Hard.

    I keep thinking I know exactly what I what and need and need to do. And then I change my mind. Which is, itself, a pretty big sign.

    But the week is almost over.

  12. Shannia says:

    Just be careful with your heart, you only have that one.