As I’ve mentioned before, M knows about this blog. He has, on occasion, even commented on random posts (and yes, they were about him). He doesn’t read it everyday, but it would be wrong for me to write much about what I’m thinking and feeling right now.
So I won’t go into too much detail.
I was supposed to have a date yesterday. A first date. Coffee in the early afternoon. And I had another first date scheduled for tonight. But I cancelled them both. M doesn’t know anything about them (yet).
The dates didn’t get cancelled because he and I are back together. Not at all. I don’t know what he and I are, yet. And I don’t know when I’ll know. He’s said a lot of things and I’ve said a lot of things but our conversation came nowhere near a resolution. And he packs up and gets on a plane at the end of the week.
I just didn’t/don’t want to waste these guys’ time. Mentally I’m in no shape to date this week. I can’t imagine making pleasant small talk and flirting. Not now. Not yet.
I’d like to think I’ll know something before he leaves. Whether that something is
- Keep dating, don’t count on him for shit, try to be patient, and maybe he’ll surprise me
- Stop dating because we’re both going all in
- Keep dating because I really am a moron, I never should’ve met him for that drink
(or some other possibility I can’t envision) it will be nice to have the knowledge. Because then I’ll know and I can start to breathe again.
Oh yeah, did I mention that I feel like I haven’t taken a proper breath in days? I feel like all of the air has been squeezed out of my lungs. Anxiety sucks.
Tags: anxiety, coffee, ex-boyfriend, first date