Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Finding the Right Words

First, Thank you.

Thank you to everyone who sent emails/messages over the last few days.  And thank you for coming back and checking in on the blog after my little temper tantrum on Friday. I was in a bad place.  I took a couple of days off to think and to live and it helped. I can’t exactly claim to have a new abundance of clarity.  But I have a better idea of what direction I’m heading in now, and that’s a big thing. I owe lots of people emails. I promise to catch up in the next day or so.

So, about my weekend.  I had a couple of great dates.  On Friday night I met Mr. Perfect on Paper for drinks.  It was kinda an awesome , in a way.  We live in the same neighborhood and he suggested we meet at a place I know and like, and then from there he suggested we go to a place I didn’t even know existed (which I LOVED – I love finding new places).  We had plenty to talk about and laughed a lot.  There was a significant chemistry deficit, I thought, but my mind wasn’t really on that. I was just happy to be out and having a blast.

And then, after we closed down the second bar, we headed back towards where we both live.  There is a corner, a crossroads, where my is in one direction and his is in the other direction.  He kept walking, arm around me, towards his until I stopped dead in my tracks. I remember thinking how bizarre it was that he was trying to steer me towards his place after such a “friendly” date (no touching, no sexual innuendo, no flirting). But, hey, I don’t blame a guy for trying.

I made a show of saying that I had a great time (in other words, “I like you, I’m just not ready to fuck you”) and we had a very chaste kiss goodnight. I don’t expect anything to come of it but like I said it was a great date.

Date number 2 was far more complicated.  On Saturday night I met M for a drink. It took me over a week to decide whether or not I should meet with him.  For most of that time I was leaning towards not doing it (and finally figuring out how to block his calls and send his emails straight to the trash).  In the end, I caved, out of curiosity more than anything else.  He just seemed so bent on seeing me/telling me something.  And after all of this time I couldn’t imagine what there was left to say.

Here’s what I feel comfortable saying about that “date”. For the record, I didn’t dress for a date.  My hair was unwashed and I wore my favorite ratty sweater and comfy jeans. M said all of the right things.  ALL OF THEM.  It was as if he was reading from the “what to say to make everything OK” book (and who knows, maybe he was).

I was honest with him and told him that I don’t trust him. And I don’t. I’d love to believe that he meant everything he said. I have every reason to believe that he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear (and it was all quite lovely to hear).

But beyond the fact that I don’t trust him (and we still don’t live in the same city (minor inconveniences), setting those issues aside, it was the best night I’ve had in a really, really long time.  The truth is that I have more fun hanging out with him than I do with anyone else.  I smile more with him than when I’m with anyone else.  Hell, I’m smiling just thinking about it.

I don’t know what’s going to come of it.  Smart money is on nothing and me getting my heart broken into little tiny pieces. That’s the truth and I know it.  M says otherwise.  I’d like him to be right.


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18 to “Finding the Right Words”


  1. Lara says:

    “The truth is that I have more fun hanging out with him than I do with anyone else. I smile more with him than when I’m with anyone else. Hell, I’m smiling just thinking about it.”

    God, how I understand this sentiment – and the disequilibrium feeling it must cause. I guess because I’d love more than anything for the guy who makes me feel this way to say all of those right things to me someday, I’m rooting for M not to screw it up again. And if he does, for you to disentangle with your heart intact. But if you don’t, just know there are lots of us “out here” reading who will help you pick up the pieces.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks so much. And I’m sorry that you’re able to relate, if that makes sense. Because it sucks to be where we are now. Really, really sucks. Take care of your heart.

  2. jackie says:

    Love is an X-File. I want to believe.

    So fuck smart money and fuck the odds. In a worst case scenario, a rather large black man has promised to pound M into smithereens, should he break your heart again.

    xo
    jackie

  3. KB IN NYC says:

    Simone, I am so pleased that you are back. The meltdowns usually happen when we’re ready – ready to make a change or have a breakthrough of sorts. Think of it as a giant dust bunny coming up and needing to be cleared away. And you’re going to be just fine. In fact better than fine, because I know you and you won’t accept anything less.

    And that goes for M too. Go for it lady. Life is too short, and sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. XKB

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks sweetie. Yes, life is too damn short. And I don’t want to live defensively, protecting myself from the things and people who might hurt me. I want my days on this earth to be full of passion and joy, dammit. And I’m willing to to do whatever it takes to get that.

    • datehater says:

      Wow, I just re-read this posting 5 times thinking about how much it relates to me and my current situation. Care to give me any free advice as well as Simone? ;) I think we are having the same dating experiences anyhow! http://www.ihate2date.com

  4. Jolene says:

    Very interesting!! Funny how you took the chance with M on a second date, even though you were wary and had a great time. Good to be honest about how you are feeling though…though it probably complicates things that you actually had a really good time, even if you don’t really trust him…

    • Simone Grant says:

      This was the 2nd time I’ve seen M since we split up, 2 years ago (although when I called him my ex-boyfriend on Sat night, he denied the label – he said he wasn’t my ex, that we just hadn’t figured out a way to work things out yet, so…). It’s a somewhat ridiculous situation and right now I’m just trying to take it one day/one hour at a time. And honesty is going to have to be the foundation for anything that happens.

  5. Miss Alpha says:

    Please listen to your instincts and guard your heart. If he isn’t worth washing your hair, why on earth is he worth a broken heart?

    • Simone Grant says:

      I appreciate the advice and the sentiment. I’m doing my best to guard my heart, thought to be honest I don’t want to guard it too much or I won’t be able to feel.

      M was/is worth washing my hair for. I didn’t dress for our “date” because I was going through the motions of trying to convince myself that it wasn’t a big deal. That I didn’t want to see him. That I didn’t want him.

  6. pups4me says:

    I’m so glad you’re back!
    I felt a bit lost not seeing new posts and hoped you were ok.

    I have an M of sorts in my life, so I think I have a fairly good idea of some of what you’re feeling–wanting to believe everything will work out but not allowing yourself to trust that it will.
    However, lack of trust was not part of the equation, so in many ways it’s very different from your situation.
    Keep your eyes and heart open and I hope things work out the way you want them to.

    • Simone Grant says:

      That’s very kind of you:-)
      Eyes and heart open – that’s good advice. I’m trying, I’m really trying. I have to be honest and say that’s it’s really hard. Every minute of every hour is hard right now. I’m not sure if it should be, but it is.

  7. Its funny (or sad?) how so many women have a version of M in their lives.. I am glad you are doing/feeling much better. Here’s hoping M actually means what he said on Saturday and everything is more or less smooth sailing from here on for you two – or as much as is possible.. I was laughing at Jack’s comment too..

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thank you. And yes, lots of women have their version of M. And lots of guys, too, I’d guess. I firmly believe in love. But also that love isn’t enough to make a relationship work.

  8. Sherell says:

    I understand your dilemma with M. I was/am in a somewhat similar situation. It’s someone that seems to fit like a puzzle piece in so many ways and makes you feel the way you want to feel. It’s great chemistry: that awesome force that seems essential yet so unreliable. You must feel it to connect but you have no control over when you feel it.The sensing of potential and realizing you can get so close to someone and drop your guard. A sense of connection, comfort, interest and sexual attraction.
    Chemistry is the first step into falling in love. You and M have chemistry and right now none of the other guys do. It’s like beig hungry on a diet and seeing your favorite foods. You mind tells you it is not a good move but your senses say YES!!

  9. Sam says:

    Relationships end for a reason. Do Not Resuscitate!!! Block him and move on…


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