Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

For F*cks Sake

Let’s start with a fact – I don’t like loose ends.  Now, you read this and think, “OK, no big deal.”  But I mean, I really don’t like loose ends.  I’m pathological about it.  This is not me bragging.  This is me admitting a pretty big flaw in my personality.

I like to wrap things up nice and neat, not just with men, but with everything.  When I leave a job, I leave it.  I clean out every single file and folder (electric and paper) and create meticulously detailed notes for whoever is taking over my responsibilities. I once left a day-by-day, detailed calendar of exactly what would need to be done for the next 6 months because I was so afraid of things getting screwed up after I left (ok, that was more about me being a control freak and not wanting them to screw up my years of hard work).

Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that a major contributing factor to my chronic is the fact that I lie in bed at night and obsess over whatever unresolved issues I have in my life.

So last night, when I got an email from M telling me that he’d be in town for a week at the end of the month and would like to see me I got immediately anxious.  For lots of reasons.  But mainly because at this point in my life, I feel like he’s a loose end.  A situation I should’ve resolved years ago and didn’t.  As I predicted, he made no real effort since we saw each other at the end of December to “be a better friend”, as he’d promised.

So instead of ignoring the email (which I know I should do, believe me, I know) or replying, I picked up the phone and asked, “For F*cks Sake?” Because really, I just don’t get it.  And we had a version of the same old conversation where he said he really wanted to be in my life and I said that was bullshit.  That he’s had 2 years to show me what he wanted with his actions and his actions show me that he clearly does not want me in his life (and that yes, I’m a moron for pointing that out to him for the 5th or 6th time).

At some point we got off the topic of us and onto life, because really I didn’t want to talk about us. And I mentioned something to him and pointed out that it was upsetting me and said something about my aversion to loose ends.  And then I said something about our relationship and loose ends and wanting to just have it all resolved, already.  And he said that he didn’t think of us as loose ends.  That he saw us as a half knitted sweater.

Which was kinda sweet and extremely annoying, because sweaters don’t knit themselves.

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15 to “For F*cks Sake”

  1. Terry says:

    ah loose ends.

    We all seem to have that one person in our life that we cannot get rid of, and won’t go away. Not in a creepy way- but still annoying. We want them, but not really– they want us– but not really. We want to let go, so we can forget about them and move on – but still answer the calls. They are far more interesting when we have a glass of wine, or two- or when we are a bit down. They are far less interesting with the light of day. We know the relationship is bad for us- but sometimes we head to it like a moth to flames. The sex is good, the conversation mediocre – and the relationship is doomed.

    I finally caved into one of those relationships – and it wasn’t so bad as I got “settled” in it. Until it was. Because when I finally had my fill of the passive-aggressive behavior this person took “woman scorned” to a new level that was destructive not to my personal life – but into my professional life also.

    Beware, oh great Simone – of the ides of March

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m sorry that happened for you. I don’t really see M and I ever getting together again. Really I don’t. And honestly, I don’t think he does either. It’s just this game he likes to play. An ego fluff, power trip, walk down memory lane. And I’ve told him so.

      Why I continue to play is something I can’t even begin to get into.

      • Terry says:

        You, my dear, continue to impress me with your common sense and intelligence.

        Nothing wrong with playing the game. Just know you are the cat- he is the mouse– and you will play with him until you kill him and then you will eat him .

  2. Fishy says:

    Simone, I don’t see the problem with turning this sweater into a scarf. Suggest it to him and if he doesn’t want to then tie up the fabric and be gone with the loose end. You haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about, have you? Neither have I…

    • Simone Grant says:

      I get it. Well, I want to get it. And maybe one day I’ll wake up and see a message from him and decide that I’m just not going to respond. But for now, all I can see are loose ends that need tidying.

  3. D says:

    Suggestion: create a filter that sends his email right to the trash. Seems to me an excellent way to tie up a loose end.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Yep. I actually spent some time trying to do that, not too long ago. And I got frustrated and annoyed and gave up. Decided not to bother. Maybe I’ll try again in the future.

  4. pups4me says:

    I’m not so sure you are the cat…

    Have you decided whether or not to see him when he’s in town?

  5. Sherell says:

    It’s loose because you have not resolved it in your mind. You haven’t put the possibility to bed yet. You should, though, cause you have all the answers.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I wish I had your certainty. Yes, you’re absolutely right in that I haven’t resolved it yet in my mind. I’m just not sure what possibility I should be putting to bed (the chance of he and I having a romantic relationship in the future – ’cause that’s pretty well resolved).

      Hmmm. I don’t think I have all the answers here. I do have questions for which I’ll never get answers (because I’ll never believe any answer he gives me).

      • Sherell says:

        See you do have all the answers! In that he will never give you the answers to your questions. Because he can not/will not . That is just one of the things he can not give you .

        We often want logical reasons for why people do what they do. But one person’s logic is not necessarily someone elses.

        I get your need to know why things happened as they did and then file it away nice and neat. But some times life needs to be left undone and then years later that piece will fit perfectly into another!

  6. Tahoe Bill says:

    I’m very sympathetic–just went through a month or so of trying to resolve some unfinished business of my own. It helps to remind yourself that the question is not “should we be together”, rather “what am I supposed to learn from this?”. You *should* continue to play because there’s still valuable lessons or opportunity there for you. Not to be in a relationship–to learn something for yourself.

    • Simone Grant says:

      It’s a good perspective to have. I’ve often reminded myself that as disastrous as this relationship was for me, I did learn from it. And did gain from.

      I can’t imagine what more I have to learn, but I guess I’m willing to be open to it (as long as he can be respectful of me or at least try to be as respect is not his strength).

  7. Ulysses says:

    I would see him while he is in New York. You never know where the road will go.