Let’s start with a fact – I don’t like loose ends. Now, you read this and think, “OK, no big deal.” But I mean, I really don’t like loose ends. I’m pathological about it. This is not me bragging. This is me admitting a pretty big flaw in my personality.
I like to wrap things up nice and neat, not just with men, but with everything. When I leave a job, I leave it. I clean out every single file and folder (electric and paper) and create meticulously detailed notes for whoever is taking over my responsibilities. I once left a day-by-day, detailed calendar of exactly what would need to be done for the next 6 months because I was so afraid of things getting screwed up after I left (ok, that was more about me being a control freak and not wanting them to screw up my years of hard work).
Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that a major contributing factor to my chronic insomnia is the fact that I lie in bed at night and obsess over whatever unresolved issues I have in my life.
So last night, when I got an email from M telling me that he’d be in town for a week at the end of the month and would like to see me I got immediately anxious. For lots of reasons. But mainly because at this point in my life, I feel like he’s a loose end. A situation I should’ve resolved years ago and didn’t. As I predicted, he made no real effort since we saw each other at the end of December to “be a better friend”, as he’d promised.
So instead of ignoring the email (which I know I should do, believe me, I know) or replying, I picked up the phone and asked, “For F*cks Sake?” Because really, I just don’t get it. And we had a version of the same old conversation where he said he really wanted to be in my life and I said that was bullshit. That he’s had 2 years to show me what he wanted with his actions and his actions show me that he clearly does not want me in his life (and that yes, I’m a moron for pointing that out to him for the 5th or 6th time).
At some point we got off the topic of us and onto life, because really I didn’t want to talk about us. And I mentioned something to him and pointed out that it was upsetting me and said something about my aversion to loose ends. And then I said something about our relationship and loose ends and wanting to just have it all resolved, already. And he said that he didn’t think of us as loose ends. That he saw us as a half knitted sweater.
Which was kinda sweet and extremely annoying, because sweaters don’t knit themselves.
Tags: exes, insomnia