Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

A Change of Scenery

As I mentioned recently, I haven’t been doing too well on . Still getting attention from guys in their 20s, 50s and 60s, but not so much from the men in their late 30s and 40s  - the ones I’d want to date. Things are different over on . There are still plenty of candidates, but I just haven’t been feeling it lately (and truthfully, I haven’t checked my inbox in days, even though I know there are a dozen new messages there). My last few OkC dates have left me feeling less than optimistic.

I think it’s time I reassessed the situation. Not give up on online dating, but maybe reassess my previous assumptions about guys and types and different online dating sites.

This is actually something I’ve been thinking about for a while.  I’m in a different demographic group, now. I’ll be 40 in a few months (May, for anyone who’s interested). And it doesn’t really matter that I look younger. I am nearly 40. I’m a grown up (kinda, sorta). And I want to date grown ups.

So where is all of this leading to?  Well, a lot of places. For starters, I completely ditched the guy from the worst great date ever (he kept writing and calling – but never leaving messages, how freakin childish). For a while I was considering giving him another chance. But then I asked myself a simple question – Does he have his shit together, and if not, is he trying to get it together?  The answer was NO. And so I won’t be seeing him again.

That’s what being a grown up (kinda, sorta) means to me.  Having your shit together, or trying to get it together. We all go through rough patches. And some of us have some pretty powerful inner demons. But grown ups try to get themselves together.

Anyway, babbling. Need more coffee and cold medicine. Or maybe more coffee and less cold medicine.

So he didn’t pass my new, Is he a grown up? test.

Moving on, I’ve decided to go in search of MORE MEN who might pass the test.

Strangely enough, just as I was having all of these thoughts, I was contacted by a PR agency. They are coordinating a series of promos and giveaways (and stuff) for a client. An online dating site that I haven’t had the greatest luck with in the past. Although, honestly, I also haven’t given them much of an opportunity to prove themselves. Just a week here and a week there. A month several years ago.

Anyway, you can all see what I’m leading up to. I’ve decided to give .com another try. Partly because I was thinking of it anyway (funny enough, most of the guys I’ve met on “other” sites and went out with for any length of time have also had profiles on ) and partly because this PR agency came to me with this proposal. I figured maybe it was the universe telling me – YES, do this, give .com another shot.

So, let’s get down to some stuff. Full disclosure – I will be getting a free 3 month membership. There will be no financial compensation (in other words, match isn’t paying me to write nice things about them so if I have a negative experience, I’ll say so). AND, I get to kick off this new relationship with a fun giveaway for Valentines Day (not normally a day I celebrate, but who doesn’t like giveaways?).

I’ll be writing a post about the giveaway later today. I promise it will be shorter and less rambling than this one. Seriously, I need more coffee.

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19 to “A Change of Scenery”

  1. Singlegal says:

    FUN! Good luck!

  2. david (darkheath) says:


    I was hoping “change of scenery” meant “move to Denver”.



    • Simone Grant says:

      I’ve thought of leaving NYC many dozens of times – specifically because it might be easier to meet a guy somewhere else.

      Denver never entered into the planning/thinking. It’s a lovely city and I enjoyed my weeklong visit there, but I had horrible altitude sickness the whole time. I’m unusually susceptible to it.

      • david (darkheath) says:

        Oh… I remember, Simone. I was just teasing.

        But you do get used to it. A lot of people don’t realize how much more water you have to drink while you’re here. They ought to put signs up in the hotels or something.

  3. Kate Morris says:

    I am very interested to see what you think :)

  4. Good luck! I was on and off for years – can’t really compare it to any other sites except eHarmony, which has a very different setup, but it generally worked for me. About being a grown-up, I think ‘trying to get oneself together’ is a great way to think about it. We are all works in progress but there is a big difference between those who are actively working at the progress and those who aren’t. Sadly, I was in my previous relationship for several years before I realized that but it’s so obvious to me now…

    • Simone Grant says:

      Yes, works in progress. I’d never expect anyone to be perfect. To have all their issues solved or all of the ducks in a row. Just to be working on it – earnestly.

  5. LAguy says:

    “So he didn’t pass my new, Is he a grown up? test.”

    Is that the “has his shit together or trying” part you mentioned?

  6. Terry says:

    First– hope you are feeling better. Second– one site to another, have to wonder about that. What drives a person to go to one particular site and not another? Sometimes confirmation bias – when we get a good thing we remember it. But there may be a real reason that people go from one site to another.

    Men with their shit together– well, isn’t that a moving target? I’m sure when my shit is finally all together I will be an ash and someone will spread them in some place that I won’t care about – then my shit won’t be together.

    Don’t settle – no need to.

    • Simone Grant says:

      My sense is that sites get reputations, fairly early on, for having certain types of customers. And those become hard to shake. For a long while there were barely any people over 30 on OkCupid and then all of the sudden there were. Match used to be the only game in town and they’re still the biggest. I figure why not.

      And yes, men with their shit together is a moving target. But I’m rather more interested in the ones who are trying to get their shit together. It’s a long process, as you certainly know.

      And don’t worry, no settling for me. Absolutely no need to.

  7. Sweetheart says:

    I just started reading your blog and I am very curious about your experience on I have been using a site, which shall remain nameless, in which I have not yet paid. So far, results have been good, but then again, I am still out there, so what does that say? I have registered on Match, but have not yet paid… I think if they gave me a 3month trial membership, I might give it a try too. I am a 43 year old female and have been single for 3 years… and am at the same stage as you.. been online for about a year, many dates.. but still not the one yet…look forward to reading your blog.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Well, welcome to the blog. There are lots of sites, lots of people out there. I try to be optimistic and know lots of people who’ve met their significant others online, but I can’t help seeing it as a matter of luck. It either happens or it doesn’t.

      I’ll say a little prayer for the both of us.

  8. Datehater says:

    Story of my life! I’m with ya.
    Either horny 20 somethings or old coots looking for a spunky yougin’… thanks!

    • Simone Grant says:

      I understand the old coots, what I don’t get is why all of these 20 somethings keep writing. I guess they believe the cougar hype and think I’m an easy target.

  9. Montana says:

    Not sure how I ran across this article, but I’m a little perplexed. If someone in NYC is having this much trouble finding someone, then where is the hope for someone like myself who is a family man in their late 40′s, living in a rural Montana town? I’ve used Match for months and had very little luck and no dates. Too few gals and they don’t want to make an effort in the process. Or there are the ones that lie about their age, weight, smoking etc.

    I have my shit together, have good values, own a business, college educated 3 of my 4 kids, currently raising the last one myself.

    So it make me wonder just what is the issue. Are we all too picky when it comes to looking for a mate? Unwilling to grow, adapt, compromise as we get older. I’m not sure, but for all I hear about there being so many available single women in there 40′s looking for a good man, maybe they are all hiding in NYC, because I sure as hell can’t seem to find them here.

    • Simone Grant says:

      First, welcome. And I wish you luck. I’m sure there are far more single women over 40 here than there. So many single women came here for their careers and then spent their 20s and 30s completely focused on work. I’m guessing you don’t see that as much in Montana?

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