Pretty image, I know.
OK, somewhere in the mess of old posts (I’m still trying to get those under control, delete duplicates and clean up dead links/find the correct links – and yeah today was my deadline and YES I know that means I’m officially missing my deadline) is something I wrote a while ago about my weird issues with not ever letting men see me sick. Ever.
Which is entirely true. I’ve never let any of the men (read-boyfriends/lovers) in my life see me sick. I’ve never let any of them bring me soup when I’m home with a cold, or come by to visit me when I’m really sick and could use some help taking care of myself.
It’s just an issue I have.
But at the same time, I have this distinct memory of being 20-something and joking with my friends that maybe more than anything else, I wanted to meet a guy who loved me enough to hold my hair when I puke.
I’m not sure how I can reconcile those 2 things: wanting to meet someone who will take care of me, no matter how unpleasant that might be and not wanting to be vulnerable in front of men. I was thinking a lot about it this weekend, though. I think it all comes back to my trust issues. I think I’ve been afraid that showing my vulnerability would not be rewarded. That instead of ending up with someone to hold my hair, I’d end up with someone who’d take (even more) advantage of me.
Which leads me to a conversation I had last week with Single Gal in the City. It can be hard to discuss the whole, “happily single but if the right someone comes along then OK” thing with most people. Most people assume it’s a defensive posture, or an issue of sour grapes. When really, for me (I can’t speak for anyone else) it’s choosing to accept and be happy with my very fortunate reality. Anyway, SGIC and I were talking about how we were both hoping to one day meet guys who could ADD something to our lives. Because our lives are pretty cool. We have a lot. We’re lucky. And it would be great to meet a guy who could ADD something, make life richer.
And that, really, I’m not all that interested in entering into a long-term relationship that’s not about adding to my life. That’s about giving more than I receive. That’s about giving up huge parts of what I have now.
I want someone to hold my hair when I puke.