Recently Kelli Lawless did a great post on her blog around the idea that certain women were considered intimidating men (and why that might be). I commented with my 2 cents and have been interested to see how the comment stream evolved.
One of the reasons I found this post particularly compelling was its timing. It came just a couple of weeks after a 2-parter in Huffpo by Jag Carrao called 10 Lies Women Tell Themselves. Now, to be honest, I thought the piece was hysterical, and tend to find her posts kind of ridiculous. It’s just The Rules rehashed (and, in fact, she “trained” with the esteemed authors of The Rules so that’s exactly what we should expect from her). Anyway, her number 1 lie that women tell themselves is, He’s “intimidated” by you.
So which is it? Are there indeed cases when men are too intimidated to ask women out? Are some women, because of their looks or intelligence or personality more intimidating than other women? Or is that just a myth that lonely women tell themselves at night when they’re sitting at home, dateless?
Here’s what I think in case anyone cares: it’s not about me/us/women. I am a strong woman. I admit that. I have a strong personality. I’m also 5′ tall and weigh not much more than 100 lbs. Physically intimidating I’m not. And, I tend to smile a lot. At everyone. Not when I’m genuinely sad, sure. But most of the time.
And yet I’ve been told by male friends that I can be intimidating. When I parse this with them it turns out that there is nothing I’ve ever done or said that’s intimidating, but rather some men are intimidated by me. In other words, it’s the guys’ problem. They lack confidence.
Now, Carrao asserts that if a man really liked me he would get his shit together and ask me out, no matter what. That no man is so lacking in confidence that he would let the woman of his dreams pass him by. This seems to be negated by the multi-million dollar industry of pickup artists and trainings that feed off the average man’s lack of confidence. But whatever.
When it comes down to it, I don’t care. Really don’t care. It doesn’t matter if a guy thinks I’m intimidating. Or if he’s just easily intimidated. All that matters is what people actually do. If a guy doesn’t ask me out, he doesn’t. If he does, he does… And truth be told, it’s probably best that I don’t go out with any (more) guys who are borderline mousy. I’ve tried it and believe me it just gets ugly.
Just a final word on this, even though it’s probably saying too much: The Rules, this post, so many books and posts – they’re all pretty much the same, say the same thing. Single women are wrong and frequently delusional. We need to change our ways, shift our priorities and focus on snaring a man (the path to which is almost always looking prettier, using sex as a weapon and manipulating him). Happiness and self-awareness don’t enter into any of these equations, nor does rethinking traditional relationships and gender roles. Honestly, the fact that these authors continue to make so much money makes me sad. But then, Bush was reelected so clearly we are not the brightest people of the planet.
Tags: blog, confidence, friends, lonely