So the other day I mentioned a man I’d exchanged a few messages with online. He lives in Europe and says he comes to New York all of the time for work. He wanted to meet me.
I told him thanks but no thanks. He seemed interesting (smart, funny, handsome, all the good stuff) but I have no interest in doing the date the out-of-towner thing.
One of my readers, Apodiform, commented, “Why wouldn’t the European guy be fun if you just kept it casual? Or are you looking for a boyfriend specifically? Could be fun.”
So, there are a lot of different things that come to mind when I read that. First, been there/done that. A few years ago I met a very nice man. He lived about 5 hours away by car but was from NYC originally. He came to New York often for work and for fun.
When we met and started dating I assumed it would just be a casual relationship. He lived too far away for it to be anything else. But then I started to fall for him. And, I should add, he came on very strong. Too strong, too fast. And then one day, a couple of days before he was scheduled to come down for a visit, he called. To say he wouldn’t be coming. He’d met some local woman. And I was kinda devastated. Because what we had didn’t turn out to be casual at all.
It turns out that it’s hard, at least for me, to pre-determine these things. To tell myself how I’m allowed to feel for someone.
Here’s another story. I have a friend (who I hope won’t be mad at me for sharing this story). He’s been seeing this new woman for a little over a month. He’s crazy about her. CRAZY. And he says that she says all kinds of nice things about him and that they have a lot of fun together and the sex is great. But she’s already told him that this relationship has no future (for reasons I won’t mention, that’s their private business). That she will never introduce him to her friends. She will never go to a public event as his girlfriend.
They will never be anything to each other. And this makes him incredibly sad. He’s hoping she’ll change her mind. I think this is foolish. I’ve told him that if it were me I’d probably get out now in order to keep myself from falling deeper. But he won’t. He wants it to last for as long as it can, even knowing that he’ll probably get crushed.
It’s hard for some people (me, for one) to go into a relationship and say, let’s just keep it casual. I mean, if all I’m feeling is casual feelings, then fine. But honestly, I’m looking for someone who I can feel more than just casual feelings for.
I’m not sure if that makes sense. It’s just that I don’t want preset limits on my feelings. I’m not sure if that’s something that other people can relate to. Maybe, maybe not?
Tags: casual dating, Fall In Love