Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Shame On Me

It’s after 1pm and I’m just sitting down to write my post.  Shame on me. January 2 and I’m already blowing one of my resolutions – take my blog more seriously.

I’ve been preoccupied this morning with getting my new online profiles together (they’re not really “new”, just updated) and shopping for guys for Lucky Girl.  And…

I’ve been trying to decide whether or not I should write about the fact that I saw M last week.  Yep.  For the first time in 2 years (almost exactly 2 years).  He contacted me a few weeks ago to let me know he was coming to New York, for work, for just a few days.  At first I was cynical about it.  I assumed that his recent efforts to turn over a new leaf with me were all a build up to this.  That he knew about the upcoming trip and was trying to build some good will in advance.

Anyway, I agonized over whether or not to see him.  It occupied WAY too much of my brain space and ate away an embarrassing amount of hours.  In the end, I decided that it really wasn’t that big of a deal. And that I might actually feel better for doing it, surviving it, and realizing that he couldn’t hurt me anymore.  That the real hurt was all over a long time ago.  And that now he was just this person who was marginally in my life.

So one day last week I get an email (or maybe it was a text, I can’t remember) from him telling me his plans had changed (what a surprise) and that he was coming a day early and would be arriving in a few hours.  That he was going straight to work and didn’t know when he’d be free but was hoping to see me later in the day.  I told him that I had plans.  I waffled a bit and said that I could reschedule them if that was the only time we could get together, or that we could get together later in the night.

Fast forward, it turned out to be later.  Like midnight (which is fine, I’m a night owl).  We met at my favorite local bar (which happened to be where we had our first date).  It was bizarre.  More than bizarre. Surreal.  Here was the man I spent so much time hating.  And he was smiling at me.

We actually had that talk.  I pointed out to him that if you made a chart (I’m kinda a , I think in pie charts), putting each day of the last couple of years into one of 3 categories:  in each other’s lives, out of touch, trying to make him dead to me, that the piece of the pie where we were in each other’s lives would be the smallest.  And the part where I was trying to make him would be the largest, by far.  He just smiled and agreed.

At some point we were talking about something related to my career/business and he said something really supportive and smart (and I must admit, he has always been super-supportive of me and I miss that, maybe as much as anything)and he said I should call him for advice and support anytime.  And I told him I can’t do that.  Because he’s not consistently there for me.  At which point I showed him my phone, and the fact that the texts he’d sent me earlier in the day were labeled with his number.  He is not a contact in my phone.  Not in my address book.  I pointed out to him that I’ve already added and deleted him too many times.  That each time he’d disappointed me I went and deleted him.  And that I’m just not going to do it any more.  Add him, that is.

Not unless he really earns it.  And he said he’d like to.  But honestly, I don’t really believe him.  I believe he’d like to.  But I don’t believe he’ll do it.

We talked for less than 2 hours.  About what’s been going on in his life and my life and just silly stuff. And talked about maybe getting together again while he was in town, but we didn’t.  And now he’s gone and that’s that.

I’m fine.  My world didn’t change in any way.  I sat and had a drink with M and nothing bad happened. It was actually quite pleasant.  The end.

Tags: , , , , ,

6 to “Shame On Me”

  1. pups4me says:

    Hmmm…I’m wondering why you left out how you felt AFTER seeing him, as that’s when I think the real thoughts and questions surface. Are you glad you saw him? Did you feel anything for him? Do you want to see him again?

  2. Simone Grant says:

    I guess I did leave that out. Am I glad I did it? Yes. Because now I’ve gotten it over with. Did I feel anything for him? I don’t know. I really don’t. Our spark is still there but that’s nothing I have any intention of acting on. Ever. He is someone I get along with. Very well. It’s easy. But I don’t trust him and might never be able to trust him. So I don’t know that I felt anything other than confused. As to wanting to see him again, I don’t know. I’m open to whatever happens. Which will probably be nothing.

  3. DateratLarge says:

    I always agonize over seeing past guys – no matter where I’m at in my current dating life. I say good for you for seeing him, sounds like you were able to say some things that needed to be said, in person, which is always best (in my own personal opinion).

    There’s such a difference between people saying (and wanting) to be there for people and actually BEING there for people. Knowing that difference is practically the whole battle, isn’t it?

  4. dazediva says:

    Good on you to see him before 2010 started – and that ought to have given you more clarity on any unanswered questions. I’ve always found it to be healthy to meet the ex – especially when issues have been unresolved. Gives you the chance to tell him/her exactly how it is without worrying about trying to be sensitive since you are in a relationship. Sometimes they just need to know.

  5. Apodiform says:

    Well I’ve just started reading your blog, so don’t know the whole back story, but…..

    Based on what I have read this M guy sounds a lot like my Ex. They are very supportive in words, maybe you have a great connection, blah blah. But at their core they are a selfish person. When it comes down to choices between you and them, they will always pick them. He wants to see you because he can’t have you either thinking bad of him or not thinking of him. I give you kudos for facing him but not talking to him at all might be the better thing. Can’t you block emails as well?

  6. Simone Grant says:

    Yep, you put your finger on it. There’s a huge difference between wanting to be there for someone and actually being there. I’m glad I learned the difference a long time ago.
    This is going to sound bizarre, but I don’t really see us as having unresolved issues. Just feelings that are inappropriate because we didn’t work (and we didn’t work for a whole host of reasons that have nothing to do with how we feel about one another). I guess those feelings are issues.
    I understand your thoughts on this. COMPLETELY. And I’ve tried cutting him out of my life (not hard enough, obviously). But the truth is, I don’t see what I gain from that. He’s really not causing me harm right now. Maybe I’m deluding myself, but I believe that to be true. That he’s there and I’m here and we each feel the way we feel and we’re getting on with our lives. Damage done a long time ago. But I totally respect people who feel the need to do a total block. I think everyone is different and has different needs.

1 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Finding the Right Words 22 02 10