It’s after 1pm and I’m just sitting down to write my post. Shame on me. January 2 and I’m already blowing one of my resolutions – take my blog more seriously.
I’ve been preoccupied this morning with getting my new online profiles together (they’re not really “new”, just updated) and shopping for guys for Lucky Girl. And…
I’ve been trying to decide whether or not I should write about the fact that I saw M last week. Yep. For the first time in 2 years (almost exactly 2 years). He contacted me a few weeks ago to let me know he was coming to New York, for work, for just a few days. At first I was cynical about it. I assumed that his recent efforts to turn over a new leaf with me were all a build up to this. That he knew about the upcoming trip and was trying to build some good will in advance.
Anyway, I agonized over whether or not to see him. It occupied WAY too much of my brain space and ate away an embarrassing amount of hours. In the end, I decided that it really wasn’t that big of a deal. And that I might actually feel better for doing it, surviving it, and realizing that he couldn’t hurt me anymore. That the real hurt was all over a long time ago. And that now he was just this person who was marginally in my life.
So one day last week I get an email (or maybe it was a text, I can’t remember) from him telling me his plans had changed (what a surprise) and that he was coming a day early and would be arriving in a few hours. That he was going straight to work and didn’t know when he’d be free but was hoping to see me later in the day. I told him that I had plans. I waffled a bit and said that I could reschedule them if that was the only time we could get together, or that we could get together later in the night.
Fast forward, it turned out to be later. Like midnight (which is fine, I’m a night owl). We met at my favorite local bar (which happened to be where we had our first date). It was bizarre. More than bizarre. Surreal. Here was the man I spent so much time hating. And he was smiling at me.
We actually had that talk. I pointed out to him that if you made a chart (I’m kinda a geek, I think in pie charts), putting each day of the last couple of years into one of 3 categories: in each other’s lives, out of touch, trying to make him dead to me, that the piece of the pie where we were in each other’s lives would be the smallest. And the part where I was trying to make him dead to me would be the largest, by far. He just smiled and agreed.
At some point we were talking about something related to my career/business and he said something really supportive and smart (and I must admit, he has always been super-supportive of me and I miss that, maybe as much as anything)and he said I should call him for advice and support anytime. And I told him I can’t do that. Because he’s not consistently there for me. At which point I showed him my phone, and the fact that the texts he’d sent me earlier in the day were labeled with his number. He is not a contact in my phone. Not in my address book. I pointed out to him that I’ve already added and deleted him too many times. That each time he’d disappointed me I went and deleted him. And that I’m just not going to do it any more. Add him, that is.
Not unless he really earns it. And he said he’d like to. But honestly, I don’t really believe him. I believe he’d like to. But I don’t believe he’ll do it.
We talked for less than 2 hours. About what’s been going on in his life and my life and just silly stuff. And talked about maybe getting together again while he was in town, but we didn’t. And now he’s gone and that’s that.
I’m fine. My world didn’t change in any way. I sat and had a drink with M and nothing bad happened. It was actually quite pleasant. The end.
Tags: Dead to Me, ex-boyfriend, geek, lucky girl, Online dating, online dating profile picture