Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Round and Round She Goes, Where She Stops Nobody Knows

Yesterday I posted something on my Tumblr blog about how I’m going to focus more on projects I care about (well, that’s part of what it’s about). One of the things I’m doing is trying to find a way to write more.

Really write.

Not on the blog. But things that are relevant to the blog narrative. If that makes sense.

Anyway, I’m working on something. A story that I’ve never told here.

It’s one of those stories that make me cry as I work on it.  And so it’s been slow going.  ’cause I find it hard to write while I’m crying.

I’ve gotten to this point with it where I’m rereading sections and shaking my head and thinking, NO. Because it turns out that I’ve been reliving the same stupid relationship patterns over and over.

Note how I said patterns.  Plural.  I used to only be cognizant of one. It was a pattern I recognized years ago and I’ve worked hard to stop reliving it.  Well, now that I’m working on this story I noticed this other pattern. And it’s so obvious. Glaringly obvious.

So now all I have to do is change the way I see and relate to men.  More.  Again.

Shit.  Does it ever get any easier?


4 to “Round and Round She Goes, Where She Stops Nobody Knows”

  1. SecretSquirrel says:

    Is it behaviors, the men themselves, what you are seeking, or just all around bad decision making? I guess I’m asking that question because sometimes, I think it’s the way I act and other times, I think it’s because of what I’m looking for which leads to the wrong men, which leads to bad decision making. *sigh*

    Go ahead and bah humbug me, but peace unto you tonight, sugar.

  2. Simone Grant says:

    I just took a deep breath. Dysfunctional pattern number one which I realized years ago was dating the same WRONG man over and over. I’ve stopped that as best I can. Pattern number two is far more complex. I fall into impossible relationships (and of course I don’t fall in, I make the choice to enter them, but I don’t seek them out). Relationships that can’t possibly work for obvious logistical reasons. And then I go crazy trying to make them work. – lunacy!

  3. SecretSquirrel says:

    The battle between brain and heart is the most common thing on this earth. It makes you human. Chemistry, loneliness, longing, compatibility, baggage…’s too damn hard sometimes. I’ve gone the route of accepting my ex as my companion in life (go figure, but we have 20 years of history with us, great friendship, and children) and I constantly seek the heat and passion and sexiness that was totally lacking in our marriage. Passion without emotional entanglement is not healthy, I think, but it’s what I’ve settled with.

    I doubt that is much better than your situation.

    I think you will be ok. Good or bad in relationships, you seem like the kind of person who will never settle for ok, but will always look for outstanding. Someday, I think you’ll find it.

  4. Simone Grant says:

    Fingers crossed. And if not, that’s ok, too.