Eventually we found each other (online, just like the others). We met on a weekend afternoon at a busy Starbucks with people bustling all around us. Somehow we found a place to sit and talk (we were both working that day, I remember, and the Starbucks was convenient to both of our offices). We were immediately attracted to each other and fell into a natural, flirty chatter. He could have easily been a friend of a friend, someone I was introduced to at a party and spent some time talking to just because I found him interesting.
We were looking for the same thing but for very different reasons. He’d been living with the same woman for a number of years and from the beginning theirs was an open relationship. He had his playmates and she had hers. Adding to the open nature of their relationship was the fact that they both travelled extensively for work and it wouldn’t be unusual for one of them to be away for a long while.
And I was still in my not ready for a boyfriend mode. I was still mad at the universe and on top of that I was working harder than I ever had before, rarely making it home before 9 on weeknights and working every Saturday. There was no space in my life for a new relationship.
I was and am comfortable with the fact that he has a girlfriend. I don’t see this as an issue, even though other people are constantly telling me it is. What we have doesn’t detract from their relationship. I’m just extra. And as I have no interest in having more with him. This situation is perfect for me. We have continued to see each other for several years with many periods where we didn’t see each other for months at a time because either I was in a relationship or one of us was out of town.
There are issues. We both had crazy schedules (still do) that made us unreliable “buddies” at best. I have cancelled on him more than once. And he’s cancelled on me more times than I can count. His cancellations usually have to do with travel and work schedules. And yes, I believe him when he sends a text saying that his flight has been cancelled, etc. Why wouldn’t I? I’m pretty mellow about stuff like that because I’ve been there.
A week or so ago, when I started this series, I got a message on twitter from a reader asking me if I kissed my fuckbuddy. I answered that, of course I did. It would be uncivilized not to. And that’s the thing. We work well as fuckbuddies because he’s someone I completely enjoy kissing and fucking and spending a little time chatting with, but who I don’t have romantic feelings for. Someone I will never pine for, no matter what. If he could never see me again, I’d miss the sex, but I’d be fine with it. No hurt feelings.
Anyway, I promised you coherent lessons. A summary of sorts:
- Be sure you really want a fuckbuddy. Really. A fuckbuddy isn’t a substitute/almost boyfriend/girlfriend. Rather, it’s someone to have sex with. Maybe until you meet a bf/gf, if that’s what you’re seeking. Perhaps this is too subtle a difference for some people to process, but there is a very big difference
- Recycling exes can be OK or awful. If he was a douche while you were dating then chances are he’s not someone you want as a fuckbuddy (no matter how awesome the sex was).
- It is absolutely possible to meet a fuckbuddy online. LIke anything else, it’s about going after what you want and being focused on it.
- Create a profile that’s specifically for the task. Be picky and cautious.
- I found it helpful to make it clear that I wasn’t interested in hooking up with anyone the day we met. That eliminated a lot of guys that I was happy to eliminate.
- Be aware that there’s probably going to have to be some trial and error involved. In other words, not every guy you sleep with is fuckbuddy material. Drop the ones that don’t cut it and move on. This is about sexual satisfaction, after all. And yes, this means sleeping with a few different guys to find the right one. I realize that sounds unbelievably slutty to some people. So what?
- I need to actually like, as a human being, the person I’m having occasional sex with. I’ve tried overlooking this fact and it just doesn’t work for me. I might have saved myself some time and awkward moments if I’d realized this up front.
- If I was ever again in a situation where a fuckbuddy asked me out on a date, I’d probably say no.
Tags: ex-boyfriend, fuckbuddy, Online dating, open relationship