Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

The End of the Story, aka How To Find A Great F*Buddy, Part 8

Eventually we found each other (online, just like the others).  We met on a weekend afternoon at a busy Starbucks with people bustling all around us.  Somehow we found a place to sit and talk (we were both working that day, I remember, and the Starbucks was convenient to both of our offices).  We were immediately attracted to each other and fell into a natural, flirty chatter.  He could have easily been a friend of a friend, someone I was introduced to at a party and spent some time talking to just because I found him interesting.

We were looking for the same thing but for very different reasons.  He’d been living with the same woman for a number of years and from the beginning theirs was an .  He had his playmates and she had hers.  Adding to the open nature of their relationship was the fact that they both travelled extensively for work and it wouldn’t be unusual for one of them to be away for a long while.

And I was still in my not ready for a boyfriend mode.  I was still mad at the universe and on top of that I was working harder than I ever had before, rarely making it home before 9 on weeknights and working every Saturday. There was no space in my life for a new relationship.

I was and am comfortable with the fact that he has a girlfriend.  I don’t see this as an issue, even though other people are constantly telling me it is.  What we have doesn’t detract from their relationship.  I’m just extra. And as I have no interest in having more with him.  This situation is perfect for me.  We have continued to see each other for several years with many periods where we didn’t see each other for months at a time because either I was in a relationship or one of us was out of town.

There are issues. We both had crazy schedules (still do) that made us unreliable “buddies” at best.  I have cancelled on him more than once.  And he’s cancelled on me more times than I can count.  His cancellations usually have to do with travel and work schedules. And yes, I believe him when he sends a text saying that his flight has been cancelled, etc.  Why wouldn’t I? I’m pretty mellow about stuff like that because I’ve been there.

A week or so ago, when I started this series, I got a message on twitter from a reader asking me if I kissed my .  I answered that, of course I did.  It would be uncivilized not to.  And that’s the thing.  We work well as fuckbuddies because he’s someone I completely enjoy kissing and fucking and spending a little time chatting with, but who I don’t have romantic feelings for. Someone I will never pine for, no matter what.  If he could never see me again, I’d miss the sex, but I’d be fine with it. No hurt feelings.

Anyway, I promised you coherent lessons.  A summary of sorts:

  • Be sure you really want a fuckbuddy.  Really.  A fuckbuddy isn’t a substitute/almost boyfriend/girlfriend. Rather, it’s someone to have sex with.  Maybe until you meet a bf/gf, if that’s what you’re seeking.  Perhaps this is too subtle a difference for some people to process, but there is a very big difference
  • Recycling exes can be OK or awful.  If he was a douche while you were dating then chances are he’s not someone you want as a fuckbuddy (no matter how awesome the sex was).
  • It is absolutely possible to meet a fuckbuddy online.  LIke anything else, it’s about going after what you want and being focused on it.
  • Create a profile that’s specifically for the task.  Be picky and cautious.
  • I found it helpful to make it clear that I wasn’t interested in hooking up with anyone the day we met. That eliminated a lot of guys that I was happy to eliminate.
  • Be aware that there’s probably going to have to be some trial and error involved.  In other words, not every guy you sleep with is fuckbuddy material.  Drop the ones that don’t cut it and move on. This is about sexual satisfaction, after all.  And yes, this means sleeping with a few different guys to find the right one. I realize that sounds unbelievably slutty to some people.  So what?
  • I need to actually like, as a human being, the person I’m having occasional sex with.  I’ve tried overlooking this fact and it just doesn’t work for me.  I might have saved myself some time and awkward moments if I’d realized this up front.
  • If I was ever again in a situation where a fuckbuddy asked me out on a date, I’d probably say no.
I’m sure I’m leaving lots of things out.  LOTS.  Although I really can’t imagine what.
What about you?  Thoughts on fuckbuddies and how to find them?  Any questions?

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7 to “The End of the Story, aka How To Find A Great F*Buddy, Part 8”

  1. SamTO says:

    Do you have any ideas for proposing the fuck buddy idea to someone you already know? Say, a guy you are sort of friends with but have slept with in the past – but clearly neither of you have romantic feelings for the other. What to say, and not sound sleazy?

  2. snarkygurl says:

    Simone – btw I LOVE your blog. Keep ’em coming!

    I had a fuckbuddy this past summer for about 4 months. My first. The only reason it ended is because he moved about 500 km away. Otherwise we’d still be seeing each other (and we have discussed possibly getting together in the future if he comes to town)
    I met him online on PoF and we met with the understanding that it was just for sex; he was the first person I met on-line after my husband and I separated. He tried for the whole lets meet just as friends line but I told him I have enough friends. The reason why it worked for me AND I was able to keep it NSA is because he was significantly younger (I’m 37, he is 22) and was not someone I would even consider dating. He was fresh out of College and was in the midst of following his dream of being a drummer in a touring heavy metal band (sooo not my type). He didn’t have a job and he didn’t have his own place. All of this meant no future for us.
    I think I was lucky to find him without even looking. If I was actually looking for a fuckbuddy I can see that it would be really difficult (but fun trying…)
    I think people that have not had a relationship like this that REALLY works can’t necessarily understand how great it can be. I miss my buddy.

  3. lbeans says:

    How would you define the difference between f*buddy and friends with benefits?

  4. Veka says:

    In my opinion, a FB and FWB is the same thing. I had one this year, before I started dating my boyfriend. My FWB was someone I met through mutual friends, and it just started one night. It was kind of long distance, so it didn’t happen all the time, but it happened enough. It worked out quite nicely, and it was never awkward when we were with our mutual friends (we kept it private). Now that I have a boyfriend it has obviously stopped, but I’m happy to say that my former FWB and I are still friends. Just without the “B.”

  5. DateratLarge says:

    I think the reason I haven’t had a FWB in awhile is because that isn’t the type of relationship I’m looking for, unfortunately, and as your series so clearly points out, you have to really want one to find one. Guess I’ll keep keeping on looking for an honest to goodness boyfriend. Thanks for making the distinction for me!

  6. Simone Grant says:

    I’m going to start with lbeans question. As with most things, I don’t think there’s a right answer. I use the words differently and for me they have very different meanings. Veka feels they are interchangeable. I don’t feel that I’m right and she’s wrong. We live in different part so of the country and I’m much older than she is. Language use varies greatly with different demographics. That said, here is what I think: A FWB is someone you have a relationship with that extends beyond just getting together for sex. You probably know them as a friend of a friend and see them sometimes at group functions, etc. A fb is someone with whom you have no relationship outside of sex. You don’t see each other socially. You don’t talk on the phone (unless it’s phone sex). Those are my distinctions.
    I’m not the advice girl, but if there was someone I’ve already slept with I’d just invite that person out for a drink and see what happens. And then, assuming we ended up in bed, suggest we make it a regular thing. I’m not particularly subtle.
    Thanks and yes I agree, there are many people who look at fb relationships and can’t understand their value (I’ve been accused of all kinds of horrible things, including being delusional and pathetic *sigh*). But then, there are just some people who aren’t capable of seeing outside their personal experiences. Sucks for them. Sorry your buddy moved away :-(
    I’m glad you had something that worked for you, when you wanted it (whatever it was called :-)
    You’re welcome. I think a lot of people are in your boat. They want a significant other and aren’t interested in a physical relationship in the meantime. I totally respect that.

  7. cornudo says:

    My wife on returning from a trip to Italy with a girl friend informed me (Confessed?) that she had sex with a 20 something tour guide, his roommate & a fellow traveler. I after a series of surgeries am unable to preform sexually. She had gone without sex for almost 2 years. She told me that she realized she “needs” sex on a regular bases after we going from daily sex to zero virtually over night. While less than thrilled about this I have accepted it.
    Currently she has two FBs seeing each normally once a week although there have been some over night trips resulting in extended activity. Once I got over the ego problem I find it a very satisfactory solution even enjoying her tales of sexuality.