Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

How To Find A Great F*Buddy (it ain’t easy), Part 6

And here’s when things got really strange. My memory is fuzzy, but I think the very next guy I met was someone I’ll call Newsboy (he’s a journalist, but that has nothing to do with this story). Anyway, Newsboy and I met the same way I met the others.  And we hit it off right away. We were clearly attracted to one another, had tons of chemistry to spare and got along pretty much from the start. Our second “date” followed shortly after our first and we started seeing each other regularly.  Things were good (the sex was great) and I was happy.

And then one night, we were lying in my bed after and I was expecting him to get up and leave any minute because I don’t let fuckbuddies stay the night, all of sudden he says, “Would you like to see a movie with me this week, or is that not the kind of thing you want to do together?”

I think I might have laughed at first. I was so caught off guard and I tend to laugh when I’m caught off guard.  And then I said, “sure we could do that.”

Big mistake.  Big fucking mistake.

We started, essentially, . Going on “regular” dates.  Dinner, movies, parties where we met each others friends.  And it was nice enough and the sex was still great.  But neither of us could ever figure out where we stood with the other. I don’t know if things might have been different if we met under different circumstances and then just started (not having spent a few months just as fuckbuddies first).  But we just completely sucked at communicating with one another on some pretty basic things.  Usually because one of us assumed the other would be OK with what we were thinking or already knew what the other wanted or some other stupidity like that.  We had this completely shallow sense of intimacy and couldn’t figure out a way to strengthen it.

Anyway, I eventually got completely pissed off and lost my temper with him. I gave him 24 hours to get his stuff from my apartment or it was all going in the trash.  It all went in the trash.

And then, maybe 9 or 10 or maybe even 11 months later I reached out to him and apologized for the way I lost my temper.  And he apologized for some stuff too.  And I explained that I’d just had a nasty break-up with a man who’d been very mean to me and I needed some special comfort but my (my current ) was out of town for work and would be for a long while.  And well, Newsboy and I became friends with benefits.  We would go to parties together, as friends, and also get together for sex.  It was really nice while it lasted.

So he went from fuckbuddy, to guy I was dating, to ex I wasn’t speaking to, to friend with benefits, to an ex I’m on OK terms with but whose current girlfriend would prefer I not exist so we rarely communicate.

I’m sure there’s a lesson in there somewhere.


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5 to “How To Find A Great F*Buddy (it ain’t easy), Part 6”


  1. jenmata says:

    In my experience, it’s just very difficult to have two people want the exact same thing at the same time, so only when relationships (whichever type they are) last long enough, there’s a chance people finally align themselves and then the relationship evolves. But as long as communication is poor and one is not sure what the other wants, or if it is the same he/she wants, then for sure disaster awaits. My two cents, anyway.

  2. virginvixen says:

    Wow “S” going f rom FB’s – Dating – Cool Ex! Both of u must have been really compatible!
    Been reading from part1 n am very much entertained/Educated lol on the verge of kicking it off with a
    FB am sexually attracted to!the chemistry is crazy the only thing holding me back is he’s got a girl friend

    U reckon I still go for it?Exparience is the best teacher so what do you think?!x

  3. DateratLarge says:

    Very Impressive. Makes me think there’s still some potential for my ex to become a successful FB, at least for this in-between period when I’m trying to meet my long term love.

  4. SecretSquirrel says:

    So strange. I had a friend with benefits that I was hoping to see as a dating partner (we saw each other for over 2 years). I just straight out asked him. He said no. But then for my birthday, he took me on a date. He was soooo about the mixed signals. Even now, I got a Christmas card from him when we haven’t spoken for months. Just tonight, I did the whole “Dead to me” thing and deleted phone number, IM chat ID, email addresses, the whole shebang. Better to not hang on to that tiny hope.

  5. Simone Grant says:

    -jenmata
    Yep. I’ve often said that timing is everything and timing was so not on our side.
    -virginvixen
    First, welcome to the blog. I don’t do the advice thing, sorry. I can tell you that my FB (keep reading, we’ll get there) has a girlfriend and I’ve known about her from day 1 (and she knows about me). They have an open relationship and they each travel a lot. Our situation works for me. But, I know that a lot of people couldn’t be happy with that situation, Good luck.
    -DateratLarge
    That’s what I think fbs are best for – the in between periods. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet my long term love (or if such a person exists). But for me, in the last couple of years, my fb is for filling in the gaps between relationships.
    -SecretSquirrel
    I would imagine that to be very hard – that hope. I know that if I started to develop feelings for a fb or friend with benefits I would probably stop seeing him.