I had lunch today with an old friend. One of the nicest (nice in this context does not in any way equal bland) guys I’ve ever met. It’s been months since we’ve seen each other and I guess that’s my fault. We’ve made plans a couple of times and each time something work or health related has come up and I’ve had to cancel at the last minute. And because he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met he doesn’t hold it against me.
I feel like I’ve been able to keep up with his life because he keeps a personal blog. So I know about the trips he’s taken and how his family is and his girlfriend. All that stuff. It’s like getting an email from him a couple of times a week.
Anyway, today he told me that he really doesn’t check in on my blog much (which I don’t expect my friends to do). He specifically said that a couple of times he logged on to read and was overcome with a sense of, ‘oh no, she knows better’. And that it’s hard for him to read when he sees me doing things that he knows, I know, I shouldn’t be doing (speaking with M being on top of that list, I assume, as he was around when that relationship fell to pieces and he’s seen the long-term toll it’s taken on my emotional health).
I didn’t make any excuses for myself. I told him that I totally understood why people in my real life A) wouldn’t want to read the blog, I mean talk about TMI and B) might be upset to see me letting M back into my life AGAIN and then AGAIN even after all of the bullshit. But that I wasn’t really asking for anyone’s approval or forgiveness. And that as much as I fuck up (and I do fuck up) I’m doing the best I can to work through my shit in a way that can let me live a happy life without regrets.
We spent most of lunch talking about my new news and his new news (we both had plenty of the work and family variety). And that was my lunch. He’s an artist with a day job so we only had an hour. I walked him back to his office and we hugged and said that we needed to get together again soon, maybe even before the new year, but probably in early January.
I don’t think he’s actually mad at me, or even disappointed. We’ve known each other since we were in our mid 20s and so he can put this (and everything else) in perspective. I hope.
Tags: blog, family, health, tmi, work