Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

How To Find A Great F*Buddy (it ain’t easy), Part 2

To be completely honest, it took a while before I turned to the internet.  Even though I’d been using online sites for years, the thought of using an online site to find a kinda freaked me out at first.  It seemed, IDK, just a little bit scary.

So before I went shopping online, I turned to the men I knew IRL. I did not, at any point, consider trolling the bars of Manhattan in the hopes of picking someone up.  I’d met plenty of guys in bars, in the past. I’d had some one night stands and dated some of them, too. But that was in the past. I knew that I wanted my fuckbuddy to be my age or older, and I wasn’t going to find someone I liked, who met that qualification, hanging out in a bar.

There was one man I knew who I knew would be interested.  And, more important to me at the time, who I was sure was a perfect match for me sexually.  A relatively recent ex (the man I dated before my now good friend).  Our sex life was amazing. AMAZING.  And because of that I dated him for about six months or so, even though he was a total asshole.

Yep, I emailed him and suggested that we get together for some NSA sex (I was so frustrated). And he came running.  We got together for once a week or so for a couple of months.  Until it became impossible to ignore his utter and complete dickishness.

And then, when that was over, I realized that I was going to have to get over my issues with the whole, “seeking NSA” thing because I was still sexually frustrated and still not interested in traditional dating.  I just wanted a mutually beneficial arrangement.

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10 to “How To Find A Great F*Buddy (it ain’t easy), Part 2”

  1. SamTO says:

    I understand your hesitation looking for a FB on the internet. I’ve been looking there myself. The vast majority of guys online looking for sex are trolls. BUT that doesn’t mean they all are. I’ve met a few guys that I deemed acceptable from photos and brief chat. Like dating online, it takes a few false starts to find chemistry. I still haven’t found it.

    I’ve recently started considering going back to the bar approach. Why? Well, it works, for one thing. And there are so many bars out there, catering to so many different types of people. I wouldn’t dream of going to a club, at my age (33). But a nice wine bar, piano bar, hotel bar? Picking up might be a completely different experience there.

    I haven’t tried it yet… right now it’s so cold out that I’d rather sit at the computer to do my trolling! But I may give it a shot in the spring.

  2. Simone Grant says:

    – SamTO
    I did eventually meet my fuckbuddy online. There are several more parts to this story :-) As to the bar approach, I’m a bit older than you. This was all taking place when I was 35. In my experience, it’s really hard to find a guy over 35 in any kind of bar (hotel, wine bar, other) in NYC who is seeking anything other than a quick hook-up. But that’s my experience. Maybe others have experienced other things.

  3. bluesurfer says:

    I find NSA on its own a difficult thing to manage, the descruption of mutually benneficial relationship is a better tag in my opinion. I have been on a site called and people looking for nsa dont really get anywhere, there needs to be some substance to the relationship. That doesnt stop guys trying it on a lot of the time and its usually guys not girls after the NSA thing.

  4. Simone Grant says:

    – bluesurfer
    Um, I’ve been managing it for years. I think you’re just focusing a bit too much on labels here. Call it what you want, we all know what it IS.

    That’s not a site I’m familiar with. There are a lot of sites out there. And, well, I don’t know why you think “it’s usually guys not girls after the NSA thing”. It might be guys who are more open about it. Or guys more comfortable shopping for it online. But just about every single woman I know is envious of what I have with my fb and would like something similar for herself.

    The idea that “there needs to be some substance to the relationship” sounds like a judgement coming from someone who doesn’t approve of those kinds of relationships.

  5. MizIndecisive says:

    Having a reliable FB IS INDEED an accomplishment. I have an arrangement that includes a complicated past. I am completely ok with the FB arrangement, as long as that IS what it IS…but why is it HIM that can’t keep it real??? He has to pretend we are ‘friends’…with the “Just want to say hi” texts and crap. How frustrating!! But the sex is soooo good so I do let a lot of his assholeness slide.

  6. DateratLarge says:

    Oh keep these coming… I’m in (close to) desperate need of another one and can’t seem to find him anywhere! I’ve been trying to work an ex into one and he just isn’t getting it. Frustrating on top of frustrating, ya know?

  7. drumdance says:

    I’m happy to say I’m the FB for a few different gals right now. I met all of them in bars. The most recent one was last night. She’s apparently a bit famous and so won’t tell me her name. Maybe that’s why she went to a bar? So if someone recognized her that’s an immediate disqualifier?

  8. grad student says:

    @drumdance: hehe. So, you have to wonder for what she is famous. I mean, if she were super famous, you would have recognized her I assume. Reality show famous? Tiger Woods mistress famous (wouldn’t recognize face, but name would light up a google search?).

    As far as the ‘some substance’ I guess that wonders what is meant. To me, if an FB is simply a call of “hey, lets get laid” and no other words or anything then… I dunno. Plus, SG mentioned she had a great sex partner but he was too much of a dick to keep seeing. So, the non-sex part is important. How much ‘other’ and how important must be an individual thing though. Just my .02

  9. Simone Grant says:

    Oh yes, I know that type. Thank goodness I don’t have any of that. No pretending things are other than they are.
    The ex thing is hard. There are feelings there (good, bad or otherwise) and it’s hard to pretend they don’t exist.
    I’m sure there are plenty of people who’ve met their fbs in bars. That just isn’t a productive use of time for 35+ yr old woman in NYC who isn’t interested in dating someone younger.
    -grad student
    When I hear, “some substance” I assume there is a real relationship at the foundation. Social exchanges that exist outside the get-togethers for sex. In my case, as I’ve said, I like my fb as a person but we don’t say much more than “are you in town, great when can you come over..”. We have no relationship outside of sex. But that doesn’t mean the non-sex stuff isn’t important. You can either related, or you can’t.

  10. handyandy005 says:

    I’ve been trying to find a NSA relationship for quite a long time. Sometimes, It will happen by just accident. I happen to be in the right place at the right time. However, the woman usually develops some kind of issues with the situation & calls a halt to it. I really don’t know why. Personally, I think a woman can live with sex much, much more easily tahn a man. Otherwise, they would be just as horny as men & trying to meet men for sex! They don’t feel the “discomfort” like a man does from lack of sex. Besides, there idea of a man is to find someone for “escorting” purposes & to bring them to dinner with wine, music, etc. Of course, the man pays. Also, they want to have the social status that goes with having a man on their arm when they go shopping, to wedding receptions, class reunions, festivals, nightclubs, seashore. I’m sure you get the picture. Biologically speaking, they are wired womehat differently than men are. Not that they are not intelligent or logical. No way. They have accomplished very much since they started working on careers. It’s just that they want a man for more “platonic” purposes rather than the bedroom.