Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

How To Find A Great F*Buddy (it ain’t easy), Part 1

So, one of yesterday’s funnier comments started with this, “The cherry on this delusional, self-important sundae is how you think meeting a guy online interested in no strings sex is an accomplishment.”

Actually, I do.  As I might have mentioned, I’ve had the same for years.  We have pretty awesome sex, every time.  Get along well as people.  Respect one another.  In other words, it’s the perfect situation for both of us.  And when I meet a guy and become involved (as I have several times since we’ve met) my fb wishes me well -means it- and tells me to call if things don’t work out.  I couldn’t ask for more.

But like I said, I consider this an accomplishment because it was, actually, hard to accomplish.  It took a hell of a lot of work to find him.  Perhaps the haughty author of that comment has never tried to find a long-term fuckbuddy online?  Perhaps she doesn’t approve of such things? Or perhaps no one would be interested in having such a relationship with her?

In any case, I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, the actual story of how I came to find my fuckbuddy.  A how-to (or how I did). This is going to take several posts, because it’s a long story with several, um, chapters.  There was a lot of trial and error involved.  It really wasn’t easy.

For today’s installment, let’s talk about why. What possessed me to go looking for sex dating online? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  But yeah, I’m sure there are some people who think there’s something wrong with that.

I’d just gotten out of a relationship.  It wasn’t a very long one.  About 3 months or so.  I adored the guy.  He’s still one of my favorite people in the world.  We liked each other a lot, enjoyed each other’s company, respected one another.  Lots of good stuff.  Except for the sex.  The sex didn’t work.  We were not, at all, sexually compatible.  And it took us a few months to acknowledge this to ourselves and each other because neither of use wanted it to be true.  Neither of us wanted us to not work as a couple.  But we didn’t.

The morning we broke up was hard.  I was angry.  Not at him.  At the universe.  I couldn’t understand why I’d met such a wonderful person only to find myself unable to be with him.  And I said, out loud, that it wasn’t fair.  And he agreed with me and said something about how if it were 20 years ago we’d get married and have 3 kids and be miserable for the rest of our lives. And the truth is, I know lots of people who would still do that now.  Which is probaby why I’m fascinated by people who make those choices.  Because I couldn’t.

Anyway, we’re good friends now, which is the way it should be.  And after he and I split I realized that I didn’t really want to “date” anyone.  I just wanted to have lots and lots of great sex.  That I was unbelievably sexually frustrated and that that was my priority.  Sex.  Finding .  Great sex.  And so I started to look for a fuck buddy.

And that wasn’t easy.


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6 to “How To Find A Great F*Buddy (it ain’t easy), Part 1”


  1. LPS says:

    Lol – If you had your anonymous option back on, I swear I could hear the anonymous typers battering out their diatribes of loathesome remarks on their laptops about this scorching hot topic. A fuckbuddy isn’t uncommon. What is definitely uncommon is that you strove to find one online. Interesting. Most such frolickings evolve from friends who are attracted to eachother but just don’t see the LTR potential (at all) in the other person.

    I’d like to note they are surprisingly the most honest relationship you can have in this free-for-all world of people cheating, people lying to one another and so forth. A beautiful relationship where the couple are faithful throughout is unfortunately a rarity (at least in my world – it’s sad I know; I would love to be proved wrong on this point). With a fuckbuddy neither party is setting out to hurt the person, rules are established, the 2 people have the same goal in mind. That’s the honesty part of it. What’s interesting is and what I want to know is: can a fuckbuddy relationship continue without someone else getting more emotionally entangled than the other, at any point? Or is that completely dependent on how frequent/infrequently you see them?

  2. ChickLitGurrl says:

    Ready to read part two. Interesting how something that sounds so salacious as an FB can be so real. Relationships are freaking hard. And as LPS has already said, it’s hard to find a relationship that can have that trust, faith quality that’s needed to sustain it. So, what are you supposed to do? Sit on the sidelines and go without ANY fun or love?

  3. moniquedame says:

    It is SO HARD to find a good fuck buddy. Ive tried 3-4 times and I have failed. I can find plenty of men who want to romp but who absolutely dont want to meet up or come over or excuses excuses…it sucks.

  4. SecretSquirrel says:

    I have found great fuckbuddies on a sex/swingers website. I’m like your friend in the sense that if my partners get a girlfriend, I move along, but I try to remain friends. I occasionally check up on them, making sure all is well in their worlds. Works out well for me.

  5. Simone Grant says:

    -LPS
    I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know that part of what makes this work for us is that we both are fully aware of each other’s “other relationships”. He asks me about my dating life. Knows about my issues with M. Has wondered aloud many times why I don’t have a boyfriend (which I think is sweet). And I know about his primary relationship and am very respectful of it. There’s no lying. No deception. No games. And no getting the short end of the stick. Perhaps that’s too much for some of my readers to handle?
    -ChickLitGurrl
    ” Relationships are freaking hard.” – You said it! That’s kind of my point 365 days a year. And I’m sick of people pretending they aren’t. We single girls should get to have as much fun as we want, sans relationship.
    -moniquedame
    Oh, believe me, I know. It was a long and bumpy road before I met my current fb. Lots of idiots along the way. I have lots of stories to tell this week.
    -SecretSquirrel
    I’m glad you found sites that work for you. My experience is that different sites work for different people at different times.

  6. handyandy005 says:

    Hi! I was interested in reading about how people find fuckbuddies. I have been trying for quite some time & have not had much luck. I did meet a woman on one dating site & we stayed together for about 4-5 weeks. Then, she became like a different person & she was already married with children.

    Actually, she was separated & her son lived with the father, one daughter was on her own & the little other daughter came on weekends.