Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

It’s My Life

Let’s be honest here, I’m just muddling through this dating and relationship thing.  I try to, in any given situation, do what I think is right.  But sometimes I end up NOT doing what I know are the “right” things (based on what my head is telling me) because my heart is pulling me in another direction.

This has nothing to do with the .  Nothing. This is just who I am.  I write what I live.  Well, I write my take on it.  I’m sure my friends and the men I date see things differently,  Whatever.  I do my best.

Just like @PassionMD was doing his best.

Sometimes that’s not enough to make a relationship work.  Sometimes I look like a fool.  Heck, maybe I look like a fool a lot of the time.

The thing is, I really am trying,

Which is why, and here’s the painful truth, I will never block M’s calls (a suggestion I received from many people).  Because there was a time when I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.  And even though I know, really know, that we don’t belong together, there is a place in my heart for him.  It’s territory that he owns.  A teeny, tiny bit.

So until he does something a hell of a lot worse than call and disappear, or text and then not accept my calls, I’ll be willing to hear him out.

I understand that there are many people who are shaking their heads right now.  Really, i totally get it. But the thing is, I don’t really click on that level with too many people.  And I keep hearing a friend’s voice in my head (she said this early, right after M and I split) – “don’t let your pride keep you apart”.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there.  Because for the last couple of weeks, I felt like I was lying, a little.  Not writing that M and I had communicated via email because I didn’t want people to judge me harshly for it.  And the thing is, it’s my life…


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13 to “It’s My Life”


  1. dazediva says:

    It’s your life and live it the way you want :)
    I get where you are coming from with M … there are certain ex’s in my life who still hold a place in my heart despite their behaviours in the past …
    My only advice to you would be … communicate with him on YOUR terms not on his

  2. Anonymous says:

    Wow…this resonates with me on so many levels right now.
    It is easy for people to spout advice(and if they are true friends,it is because they don’t want to see you in pain)but they can’t live your life,and they will never comprehend what you know to be true within yourself.
    Thanks as always for your candor.

  3. starangel82 says:

    It is your life. And some exes will always hold a place in our hearts. I know I have one that does. Whatever you decide about M, just proceed with caution. I wouldn’t want to see you hurt again.

  4. jackie summers says:

    take another look at gibran’s thoughts on love, and try to mix that with mama’s best advice. what works is probably somewhere in-between. and remind me to tell you about the deck of cards someday…

  5. 30FLondon says:

    So who is in charge? The brain, the heart or the loins?

  6. Marla Martenson says:

    Everyone has their own timing and pace. Ten years from now you might be kicking yourself and saying, what was I thinking? But for now, you have to go through what you have to go through. It is easy for other people who have no feelings invested in the situation to tell you what to do.

  7. Lara Colvin says:

    It absolutely is your life, and I applaud you for doing what you feel is right. All we can do is try to do our best with what we have at the time. We make decisions informed by our emotions, our intellect, our instincts…and they change day to day (or in my case, moment to moment!). I think we all have space reserved for certain people. The door on some days is closed and on others is wide open depending on many factors. And when you’ve yet to meet someone else who “fits” in that way “M” did, it is hard to close – and lock – the door. Just because you know your life is healthier without someone doesn’t mean he just goes away! No judgment here. at all.

  8. Simone Grant says:

    -dazediva
    I appreciate your support darling. There are no “my terms” here. Other than learning how to read minds. Or holding him at gunpoint until he completes a thought. :-)
    -Anonymous
    I’m glad there are people that find my candor useful. Most people just want to bash me over the head. Truthfully, my closest friends aren’t so sure I should shut M out. Some of them are actually routing for him, even though he’s been a total shit. Because they think that maybe, someone inside of him, lives the guy I fell I for (before he turned into the total shit). But even if they all thought I was wrong, I’d still feel this way. I’m incorrigible, I guess.
    -starangel82
    Thanks honey. I appreciate that. And I’d like to think that he’s not really capable of hurting me much anymore. Because I stopped expecting him to do the right thing a while ago. Now it’s just that I’m willing to listen (whenever he’s willing to talk).
    -jackie summers
    Deck of cards, check. I’m making a mental note.
    -30FLondon
    In charge? Not a one is in charge. But, and not that this has anything to do with anything, I had pretty awesome sex the morning after M’s text to me (before my text to him). So he’s certainly not getting in my loin’s way).
    -Marla Martenson
    Thanks and yep. There seem to be an awful lot of people who know what’s best for me. And they might all be right. But I’m not hurting anyone and my life is certainly not at a stand still, I date, have a sex life, have a career, etc.
    -Lara Colvin
    Thanks and welcome to the blog. “Just because you know your life is healthier without someone doesn’t mean he just goes away!” -I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  9. deezeegirl says:

    I totally understand where you are coming from. I am in the same situation and even though my friends try to be supportive they all shake their head when I mention him. I tried to shut the door on him, but like you, he has a small piece of my heart. You need to do what you feel is right and forget what others think. You can’t help who you love and if some contact is better then none..then do it. You have to be happy. Hugs xo

  10. Anonymous says:

    It’s a rough situation to be in but if you know it’s right then you go for it at all cost. I guess it’s just a matter of both people feeling that it’s right. I recently had my had totally fucked by a girl that I thought I knew better the 2nd time around than the first. We became great friends after the first attempt while she was dating someone else. All signs pointed to her regaining interest in me and as soon as the wheels come of the dating situation she was in, I tried to play it cool and see where it took us. Afterall, I had been there for her through just about every situation she encountered, we talked freely about anything and everything and this time I wanted to make sure it was right before I put myself on the line again. She jumped the gun and let it be known that this felt right, I felt right and the time before was wrong because she didn’t want me to be the rebound. Her friends were happy and telling her that it was right so I followed her lead only to be told a couple of weeks later that it was right and would never be. I’ve over analyzed the situation trying to find fault in myself but I cant and neither can anyone else that I’ve spoken to about it. I was everything I was to her through out our previous interactions and relationship, but stil she decided it was wrong for whatever reason and left me hanging with a broken heart again. I don’t understand what happened and probably never will but I just really wish this woman could make up her mind and decide what feels right. The one thing that she has made painfully obvious to me in how she is and was treating me, is that I’m not it. What Im getting at is, if it feels right give it a chance. Don’t let your insecurities and reservations hold you back and even more so try not push him away so far that he wont ever give you another chance if one day you “get it” and want to go all in.

  11. Phone Sex says:

    Go take control of your life, its your right to do whatever you think is good and right for you

  12. Carrie Cupcake says:

    Do whatever makes you happy.

    I recently broke up (well 4 months ago) with someone I was with for almost 3 years. It doesn’t seem like a long time to some people, but I thought I was going to marry this guy. Sure he’s a bit of a douche, and yeah he broke my heart.

    But just letting someone go isn’t that easy. This dude was my best friend as well. My friends all shake their heads when they find out I haven’t cut off contact, but the simple truth is I can’t, and I don’t know that I ever will.

  13. Singletude says:

    What you described is pretty much exactly what I felt for my ex, the probable sociopath. Again, not saying that M is definitely a sociopath since I’m not qualified to say. But the feeling he evoked in me seems to be the same as what you’re talking about now.

    I’m no longer in contact with my ex. For a long time, contact with him caused me some residual pain, but the pleasure of it tipped the scales in his favor every time. But, as the years went by and he managed to hurt me again and again, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in bigger ways, the scale gradually started tipping in the other direction. When the pain outweighed the pleasure, I stopped wanting to talk to him.

    It may sound simplistic, but you’ll probably talk to M as long as the pleasure outweighs the pain. And then, when it doesn’t anymore–if that day ever comes–you won’t.