So here’s a story I never thought I’d tell here. It’s one of those too personal things (yes, I have a category of things that are too personal for the blog). But then last night I saw this article in Your Tango about how men were more likely to leave their sick partners and I felt compelled to share.
It was a few years ago. We met. I liked him right away. We had amazing chemistry. I didn’t, however, think of him as LTR material. He was just too arrogant and self-involved, even for me (I used to have a pretty high tolerance for the men with masters of the universe complexes).
Anyway, I learned/figured out, pretty early on that something was wrong with him. Healthwise. It wasn’t something he felt comfortable talking about, because that would have meant admitting a weakness. But it was also something that was impossible for him to hide.
He had MS. He’d been diagnosed many years before, had had episodes, and was just starting to have it affect his daily life. In other words, his sex life. And no, I’m not going to be graphic.
Needless to say, he was unhappy about this. And his unhappiness turned to anger. And some of that anger got directed at me. He was not a good boyfriend. In fact, it’s safe to say that any other man who treated me the way he did would have been told to fuck off (especially as I didn’t see him as someone I’d want as a long-term partner).
But I took it from him. I let him be a complete prick to me. Like you wouldn’t believe.
I just couldn’t end things. Couldn’t.
I don’t know if it was pity or a sense that whatever unhappiness he was causing me was just a tiny fraction of the unhappiness he was feeling inside, and that it wouldn’t kill me to take it. I don’t know. I know, honestly, that I was afraid that he wasn’t going to be able to sexually active for that much longer and I kept obsessing over the idea that I was probably going to be the last woman he had sex with. That seemed like a big burden. And also something I didn’t want to take away from him.
Anyway, I eventually pulled the plug. He crossed the line too many times and I realized that I wasn’t his caregiver. That it wasn’t fair to me to put me in that role. And that he wasn’t a good enough person (when he was healthy) to take care of me in kind.
Tags: ex-boyfriend, Sick, tmi, YourTango