Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

That Truth Thing

I was catching up on my blog reading (OK, the is I had horrible insomnia, AGAIN, and was up half the night surfing the net and I’m still nowhere near caught up on my blog reading. There are just so many great blogs to read, I’ll never get caught up.) when I came across something that really hit home.  The post was in Glamour’s Single-Ish column and is titled The Truth About How Honest I Was With My Ex.  The blogger, John Ortved, had an ex that pointed out to him that, “You weren’t always honest with yourself, which impeded how honest you could be with me.”

Funny how when we talk about lies and relationships we usually talk about the lies other people tell us, not the ones we tell ourselves.  Or maybe it’s not so funny?

I can honestly say that I’ve been hurt more by the lies I’ve told myself than any lie I’ve ever been told by a man.    Which is a hard thing for me to acknowledge.  I like to think of myself as an honest person.  And I am, as much as I can be.

Anyway, food for thought.   And something for me to work on in the future.  If and when I meet the next guy I like, I’m going to have to work a little harder at that truth thing.   No more telling myself I can make it work if I just try harder.  No more ignoring the obvious signs of dysfunction.  No more letting things get really bad before I acknowledge that they’re not really good.  No more pretending that I don’t care about things that I do care about.  Instead I’ll just focus on the truth.  Even when the truth is something I don’t want to hear.

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7 to “That Truth Thing”

  1. Quirkyeconomist says:

    This reminds me a lot of something I used to say to/about my ex: I totally believe that he was as honest with me as he could be but since he had no idea what he wanted, he honestly couldn’t tell me that he wanted (or didn’t want) ME. I feel like a lot of people aren’t very self-aware (and let’s face it, women are more likely to be introspective than men) but it’s hard to be in a healthy relationship if you don’t know who you are.

  2. Simone Grant says:

    Exactly. I almost gave several examples of exes who were completely conflicted in their behavior towards me because they couldn’t figure out what they wanted/who they were. But then I realized that as introspective as I am, I’ve screwed up plenty in this respect.

  3. drumdance says:

    I’ve spent a lot of the past year getting my head on straight and figuring out exactly what I want. I’m happy to say I’ve made a lot of headway and am the happiest I’ve ever been.

    Simone will probably crucify me for this, but I owe a lot of that to learning about PUA. I’ve learned the importance of confidence and humor in creating attraction, and by practicing those skills I’ve actually become more confident and humorous.

    Result? I date several women reguarly and we have a great time together. I don’t pretend each one is my girlfriend and never, ever lie to them. Last night my latest paramour told me she was blown away by how much I understand women and how comfortable I make her feel. I’ve always been communicative and reasonably sensitive for a guy, but learning about PUA took me to a much higher level. And the first step in that process was figuring out what it is I want.

    BTW a great book about this kind of stuff (understanding what we want, not PUA) is Love’s Executioner.

  4. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    I think there are two kinds of self-deception usually found in relationships–the kind in which you’re deceiving yourself about how YOU feel and the kind in which you’re deceiving yourself about how the OTHER person feels. The first kind can be really hard to break free from because, by definition, it’s an involuntary process. Denial, repression, and the like aren’t generally conscious mechanisms. The second kind can be easier to correct because it usually involves consciously rationalizing the other person’s behavior. That is, you see something that bothers you and immediately try to explain it away. In this instance, the solution is to stop explaining things away. When you see a red flag, you confront it. But I’m still not sure how we can realistically be self-aware enough to be sure that we never lie to ourselves about our own feelings.

  5. sddave says:

    I think women are more apt to lie to themselves than men because they’re socialized from a young age to put a good face on things whereas boys are socialized to be more direct and confrontational.

  6. DateratLarge says:

    Oh this one is so hard, I’m good at being honest with myself, but not honest with HIM. It’s a problem.

    I, too, will plan to be honest and upfront about how things are, now how I want them to be, with whoever I meet next. Until I start drinking, anyway. (but I hope you do better than I!)

  7. Simone Grant says:

    Why would I “crucify” you? You’re happy. Good for you. I’ve been where you are, casually dating a few people. It’s not a bad life. It’s fun. And as long as everyone is honest with everyone else, then everything’s fine. Until someone wants more.
    I don’t think there’s anyone alive who’s so evolved that they never fall into a little self-deception. But I”m a cynic, so…
    You could be right but it sounds like am awfully big generalization.
    We’ll both try harder. Because that’s all we can do. Try.