Mama’s Best Advice, Part 2

This week’s Guy’s Story is the second half of Mama’s Best Advice by Jackie Summers.  Click here for the first part.  Today is Sunday and that means it’s time for another Guy’s Story.  Every Sunday I have posts from male guest authors.

‘Never love anybody more than they love you.’  This is the best relationship advice my Mom ever gave me, and the guiding principle behind her fifty-six* year marriage to my Dad.

The first real test of my Mom’s rule came up again when my father converted to Islam; Mom remained stalwartly Christian. The potential schism was over before it began, as my Mom laid down the law flatly.

‘You worship YOUR God in your own way’ she said ‘and I will worship MY God in my own way. Don’t ever make me choose because you will LOSE. The kids can make up their own minds when they are old enough.’

The hardest challenge of all came when I was a teenager. If anyone noticed the asterisk I appended to my parent’s fifty six year marriage, it’s because they separated for four years when I was thirteen years old. My Dad cheated on my Mom, and when she found out, she expelled him, literally. In front of the three children still living at home, Mom physically threw my father, his clothes and all of his belongings into the middle of the street, in the middle of the night, while we watched in horror.

I can’t begin to imagine what it must have taken to evict her partner of thirty five years. Mom hadn’t dated anybody but Dad since she was fifteen years old. Now at fifty three, she was suddenly single, raising three teenagers, alone.

We went through incredibly tough times. Mom had been a research scientist, but had stopped working when my elder sister came along. She’d been out of the workforce for twenty years, and couldn’t find a job anywhere. As kids we did everything we could to contribute to the household. As soon as I could get my working papers, I found not one job, but two. Everybody pitched in; we supported Mom in every way we could but it was her emotional fortitude that pulled us through.

Mom and Dad never officially separated, or for that matter, dated anyone else while they were apart. My Dad basically spent four years begging to come back from banishment. Somewhere around the middle of my senior year in high school, Mom sat me down. ‘You know son, your father wants to come home’ she said. ‘What should I do?’

I rested my hand on hers. ‘It’s your life, Mom’ I replied. ‘You just have to decide if you want to live the rest of it with or without him.’

With great suspicion and amid much lingering animosity, my father rejoined his family. A triumphant return it was not. Trust once broken takes years to repair, and my mother made him work every day to earn back what he’d lost. She forgave, but on her own terms, after having established empirically that no matter how much she loved him, she was willing to let it all burn if he didn’t act right. In true contrition, my proud father humbly worked his ass off to reprove his loyalty to his wife, and repair the damage he had caused his family. This included figuring out how to earn his children’s trust and love again as well.

It took years, but they worked it out. Transgressions were pardoned eventually, penance was served, ‘Pop’ became ‘Dad’ again. He didn’t dare put Mom to test, and they resumed their life long love affair. Unintentionally, Mom had taught me lessons that would resonate throughout my life.

I have never once cheated when I have been in a committed relationship, because of what I saw my parents go through. As a thirteen year old boy, as I watched my mother put my father out of his home, I thought to myself: I never want my kids to see me go through this. And I never want to make a woman feel the way my Mom felt that night. Imagine the lesson I would have learned had she tolerated his behavior, or stayed around ‘for the sake of the kids.’ Mom is directly responsible for Jax Maxim of today:

The amount of bullshit you tolerate is directly proportionate to the amount of bullshit you receive. So set your bullshit tolerance to ZERO.

I’m pretty good at enforcing a no bullshit zone. I suck at applying Mom’s best advice to my own relationships. ‘NEVER give up the edge’ Mom says to me, shaking her tiny fist and smiling, the corners of her mouth turned down. This feels counter-intuitive to me; I know relationships are all about compromise, but I haven’t figured out how to be simultaneously vulnerable and intransigent. When I fall in love, I WANT to give more, do more, give more. I don’t exactly know how to divest when I sense inequality building.

But I know for certain that loving anyone romantically more than you love yourself always creates a deficit. Like Rumi said, ‘Through love, the king becomes slave.’ I’m learning, and the master is still teaching me.

© j summers 2009