Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

We All Make Compromises, But…

We all make compromises.  Well, most of us do.  Life isn’t perfect.  Heck, sometimes it isn’t even fair. As adults we learn to make the best of what we have (I’m so not a fan of making lemonade out of lemons.  I don’t see why I can’t appreciate a lemon for what it is.).

That said, there are some compromises that I’m not prepared to make, ever.  Not prepared to, nor capable of, quite frankly.

For example, I could never continue in a long-term relationship with a man if the wasn’t good.  I just couldn’t.  And yes, I’ve actually tried.  Great guy, could’ve fallen for him.  But the wasn’t there.

And yet plenty of other women do it.  Men too, I guess.  Take this woman who wrote into the Sex & Love Forum in More Magazine:

“Truthfully, he has never been that great in bed, even before we were married 18 years ago, but I wanted to feel close to him. For me, the best part was afterwards, when we just lay in each other’s arms. I feel like sex was not something at the top of my list. We had 4 kids and now that I’m 42 (husband is 45) I want MORE! It bugs me when he all done and I’m still waiting for my turn that never comes….. What to do?”

She doesn’t sound miserable.  Unsatisfied, sexually, sure.  But not miserable.  She loves her husband and the sex wasn’t that important to her.  Now she wants more.  I’m guessing she’s not that unusual.   That there are plenty of women around her age (my age) who are in sexually unsatisfying relationships and who aren’t miserable.

But I couldn’t do it.  It’s not a compromise I could live with.

What about you? Could you enter into a long-term relationship with someone who didn’t satisfy you sexually?  Could you marry that person?

  • I’m a guy, and yes I would. (8 votes)
  • I’m a guy, and no I wouldn’t. (28 votes)
  • I’m a woman, and yes I would. (14 votes)
  • I’m a woman, and no I wouldn’t. (58 votes)
  • Other. Please explain in the comments. (9 votes)

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14 to “We All Make Compromises, But…”

  1. Anonymous says:

    That’s from a woman’s perspective. I’m sure there are an equal number of guys in the same unsatisfying sex boat.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I am a 40 year old single woman. My friends say I am picky, but I don’t think I am. I just don’t compromise on certain things. Not being sexually compatible with someone is a deal breaker for me. I’d rather be alone than unsatisfied.

  3. DaveTheBrit says:

    That’s two questions, Simone!

    Right, I was in a 4 year relationship where the love outweighed the sex at times, it became such a laborious task, yes we both came, we both felt good, but there was no spark.

    So I could have a relationship but I knew I couldn’t marry her.

    If I was getting married, I’d want to be challenged every day by them, in and out of the bedroom. Our jobs are mundane enough, the rest of our life shouldn’t be!

  4. jackie summers says:

    Freaks can’t be with non-freaks. One or both parties always end up miserable and someone usually ends up cheating.

  5. missdtm says:

    I’m a woman who tried it and realized that would NOT work for me….I even lived w/ the dude, thinking it would be ok. Now, I can never say never but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t marry a man who didn’t do it for me in bed…

  6. Anonymous says:

    I’m a guy and I married a woman who satisfied me really well in bed. Then she changed; in that respect. Sh*t happens. Plans don’t matter.

  7. Red Chocers says:

    In the past I have given boyfriends a long time to get better in bed, I’ve been patient and given suggestions in a way that still made them feel good. In that way, I would definitely be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t satisfying me, but I couldn’t marry them. I would wait until things got better or I would have to leave them eventually

  8. Devon aka Dru says:

    I think it’s a gray area for most. If an emotional connection is not there in the first place, then 9 times out of ten the sex won’t be as good as it could anyway. If I have that connection and the guy is willing to try new things to make it better then I stay to see where it will go. But if the guy is just unwilling to improve matters in the bedroom, I would have to walk.

    I gave you a shout out on my blog btw :) It’s at

  9. TheRoxstar says:

    Well, I always wear a bag anyways… I can’t be overly satisfied with it on. So yeah, I would.

    -Kris Roxas

  10. A Little Coffee says:

    Well, the first time I slept with my boyfriend was not very good. I won’t say completely awful; I’ve definitely experienced worse, but it wasn’t good. But I was crazy into him and wanted to give it a shot. Every single time we’ve had sex since then it has gotten better than the previous time, except for a couple of occasions when it was just “nice”. He really pays attention to what I like and remembers what to do and what not to do. The fact that I’m now head over heels in love with him helps things in the bedroom too. So I think a guy who “doesn’t do it for me” can change, if you both make an effort. But honestly, I don’t have a really high sex drive and I would probably marry a guy I loved even if he never did it for me sexually. I’d use a vibrator if it was really that big a problem!

    I do agree with jackie summers though. Freaks can’t be with non-freaks. I’m definitely in the non-freak category, I don’t care to get too crazy. It would be very frustrating for someone very sexually curious to be with me, and I would feel incredibly pressured to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. It would be the downfall of the relationship. I know because I’ve been there.

  11. Anonymous says:

    I recently ended a relationship that was just as you said… At the beginning I didn’t care, cause he was a great guy and treated me well. I also felt that maybe he was a little less experienced and a little shy and he would get more comfortable as we became closer. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the factor. Not only did it end up hurting our relationship, he became less confident as it was always a topic of argument. In the end, we both went our separate ways but I think I brused his ego as he is extremely bitter with me. Sex is a large part of a relationship, whether you have it or not. The intimacy part is the most important, you become vulnerable in each others arms. As a woman, I never want to be turned down for sex as it tears away my confidence.

  12. lucky gal says:

    Simone – THANK YOU for provoking my own exploration of this question and leading me to my answer…

  13. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    I have and I would if I wanted the relationship and loved everything else about the man. Maybe I’ve just been lucky, but most of the men I’ve been with have been willing to learn what makes me tick if they didn’t immediately know. I’ve only been with one guy who really couldn’t seem to get the hang of it at all, but if we’d been compatible in other ways, I’m sure I would’ve stayed. At the end of the day, the physical pleasure of sex just isn’t that important to me. It used to be when I was younger, but then I realized that I didn’t need a partner to get off. :) So sex for me is more about experiencing emotional intimacy, enjoying the other person’s body, enjoying making him happy, and so on. If I get an orgasm out of it, great, and if I don’t, I don’t. That said, if someone was at the extreme end of the freak spectrum, that wouldn’t work out so well because I find some of those activities unappealing emotionally. Fortunately, a lot of people fall somewhere in the middle.

  14. Simone Grant says:

    Thank you to everyone for chiming in, and welcome to the new readers/commenters. I’m just going to just in with this: in regards to the freaks and nofreaks – there are many different ways to be a “freak”. Lots of people have kinks, of one type or another. But not all kinky people work together.