Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

People Change

People , but not always the way we want them to.  I’m just going to throw that out there as a starting point.

I apologize if I’ve already told this story, or parts of this story.  A long, long time ago I was a young student.  Not a young, naive student.  I don’t, actually, remember ever being naive.  But I was young.  And for a while I had this boyfriend who I’ll call D.  D was very, very cute.  And kinda not very bright.  But very, very cute.  He was a few years older than me and claimed to have graduated from a couple of years earlier (not the same school I went to) but I never entirely believed him because, as I already mentioned, he was kinda not very bright.  I’d like to also mention that he was a really great guy, in a lot of ways.  He volunteered at a local nursing home and was good to his family (babysat for his sister’s kids, for example).  And the was great.

Anyway, we split up for a fairly mundane reason, but I never really regretted it.  I didn’t see us having a future.  Just lots of fun while it lasted.

Skip to a few years after I graduated when I get a call from my mom.  D had called her and told her that he never stopped thinking about me and really wanted to get in touch with me (which translated in my mind to, he just got out of a relationship and was dreaming of gfs past).  My mom didn’t give him my number, but she did take his for me.  And I was curious (read – not seeing anyone special) and so I called him.

He was still living in the same place, doing an even crappier job than the one he had when I was seeing him (at this point I was finishing up grad school), a few hours outside of NYC.  His brother, however, happened to live just around the corner from me.  So we made plans for him to spend the next weekend with his brother.  I agreed to have dinner with him on Friday night.  Nothing more.

A good friend of mine from college happened to work at a fairly swanky french restaurant.  And I knew that if I asked nicely he could comp us our dinners/drinks.  I barely ever went anywhere really nice, being a grad student, and I figured it would make the night extra-special.  BAD MOVE.  When it came time to order, D got all panicky(he was intimidated by the restaurant and the menu) and just ordered the same thing I did.  I can’t recall exactly what it was, other than it was seafood.  And it turns out that D despised seafood.  So he spent the dinner pushing his food around his plate like a child.  It seems that, while I had grown and developed some more sophisticated tastes, D was still living off of beer and wings (which I love, btw) and pizza.  Add to that that we had nothing to talk about anymore.  Absolutely nothing. I kept trying to think of things to say, but his answers were all either monosyllabic or ridiculous. My swanky dinner was a total disaster.

So you’d imagine that I gave him a hug goodnight and never saw him again.  No, don’t be silly.  I brought him back to my place and had really, really bad sex with him.


Not only didn’t we get along as people anymore, but the sex also went bad.  Whatever it was that made the sex amazing just a few years earlier was gone.  And what we were left with was awful.  Really, really awful.

I guess it just comes down to this – people change.  Not because we want them to.  And not in ways you’d expect.  But they do.  We all do.  A little bit everyday.  No one stays the same.  Not for long.  The bond that D and I had, it wasn’t that deep to begin with, and so we didn’t stand a chance.  We’d both changed too much, become too different.  So much so that even the flicker of chemistry we still shared wasn’t enough to give us one night of good sex.

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9 to “People Change”

  1. TerrySimpson says:

    That is the reason people should never get married in their 20’s. People change in their 20’s – and stabilize a bit in their 30’s. While some get married and last forever- most who marry young find that they approach their mid-30’s with someone they don’t relate to anymore.
    So yes- sex is better when there is a bit of chemistry, and the more the reaction- the better it is

  2. Dating Is my Hobby says:

    Those situations are awkward, yet you can always be thankful for them because they are so cut and dry. When its obviously terrible, its so much easier to move on.

  3. PMFoutofwater says:

    This post is a little bit heartbreaking. When you’re in the moment you think something or someone WON’T change…but you’ve hit the nail on the head here. Really enjoyed this, Simone.

  4. Simone Grant says:

    I hadn’t really thought of that but it’s true. Although, I’d imagine that if D and I stayed together we wouldn’t have become such different people. Maybe?
    -Dating Is my Hobby
    Oh yes, there was no question at all. Goodbye forever on that one.
    LOL Like I said, I was never naive. I never believed in forever, never believed that people not changing (in fact, I’m less cynical now than I was in my early 20s). But I understand what you mean.

  5. grad student says:

    @Terry. All absolutes are wrong (even this one). If 2 people marry in their 20s, I think Simone has it right… they grow and change together on a combined path. Not to say it wouldn’t still be difficult, but all marriages are. I could say that people in their 30s and older are too inflexible to marry; so set in their ways that they cannot find someone who fits all the criteria.

    I can guess about the bad sex though. After the swanky dinner (at a restaurant I am sure he couldn’t come close to affording, from the info in the post) to not knowing what he was ordering or what to order, I expect his confidence was completely shot. Plus, he may have felt a bit less than given his working situation, especially if he felt inferior to who SG had become.

  6. TerrySimpson says:

    the capacity of people to change is not dependent upon who you are with, as much as what your capacity is. Someone you are with in your 20’s may change with you- but there are plenty of people who you were friends with in your 20’s with whom you have nothing in common with now– you changed- they changed.
    So, change together– that might be true for hobbies, for play (sports, games, interests)- but some have the ability to change to become deeper individuals with perspective- and some do not. SOme people are brighter than others- and some are not.
    So- yes, if you are lucky – and it would be luck – you find someone in their 20’s that you and they change together- because you have equal capacity.
    Someone who is happy with beer and wings can change to like fine French food– but someone who has an IQ of 90 is not going to get smarter just because he dates Simone

  7. Atoker says:

    I have to agree w/ Grad student, there are no absolutes; I do feel bad for the fella though, is really not his fault for being blessed with looks, rather than “brains”; I think you should have been considerate with D, (knowing that after a bad dinner, no chemistry and your obvious knowledge of his shortcomings), and sent him home after dinner. Was it selfishness or just curiosity to find out if he had maybe improved his sexual skills, since you last shared with him? maybe you were just trying to get your dinner efforts worth….? We will never know.

  8. Jean says:

    I’m with Terry on this one. I married in my 20s and evolved into a different person. As I matured, I grew to have a different perspective on life, and different goals – which did not match my husband’s any more. Perhaps they never matched, and I just went along with his until I figured out what I really wanted out of life. ALTHOUGH, now in my 40s and living by myself for the past 7 years, I’m trying to figure out if I’m too set in my ways to marry my bf.

    And Simone, I don’t think that there was any chance that you & D would have changed less if you were together. From what you wrote, you were too different to begin with, with different goals & motivations. Hopefully he’s bright enough to not call you anymore…

  9. Dee says:

    Eeek.. I guess it’s good you went out with him so you’ll never wonder “what if…” but if anything, I guess it’s nice you got a nice dinner!