Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

You Can Live Without Me

Fun fact: I’ve dated, not one, but two men with active stalkers.

Now, before I get too deeply into this, let me give my standard aside/backpedal.  There are hundreds, probably thousands of perfectly normal, decent people with stalkers.  Stalkers are emotionally imbalanced people.  People with stalkers are victims.

That said, I’ve come to believe that in each case I should have seen the stalker as a warning sign.  A big fat, “this guy is no good so please run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit”.

Looking back, the most disturbing thing was how each of them talked about the situation.  The stalker was a women they’d dated and then broke things off with.  The details shifted with each telling of the story (neither were all that good with that truth thing).  And she didn’t take it well and didn’t want to go away quietly.  And…

And they, each, were dismissive and cavalier.  I was told I was foolish to care about the phone ringing nonstop at 4am. That she would get bored and go away soon.

And in the first case when she started to make personal appearances in the middle of the night and things got more complicated (forcing our relationship to change, because I no longer went to his apartment, for fear that she would track me back to mine) I started to realize that his shifting version of the truth was something more than a little issue.  That maybe there were big things he wasn’t telling me about the situation.  And then I started to get scared, because it occured to me that I’d been sleeping with a man that I really didn’t trust at all.

Anyway, like I said.  I know that your average person with a stalker is not a bad person.  Is a victim.  But in my case.  I dated 2 guys who were 1) Rather casual with the truth – in general. 2) Completely self-involved/uncaring about anyone’s feelings but their own. 3) Admitted to me that they knew the chick they were dating was while they were dating, but did not break things off just because she was nuts, but instead waited until they were bored with her or some other reason.

And I didn’t run the second I found this shit out.  WTF?

It’s cool, though.  I will the next time.

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11 to “You Can Live Without Me”

  1. Singlegal says:

    There are two phrases I always take with caution when a guy, or even a girl, brings them up: Stalker and Crazy. Both can be incredibly legitimate in certain circumstances. But, in more cases than not, they are labels placed on an Ex that I think are intended to make me feel better and really, don’t. Case in point – a friend with a “Stalker”, “Crazy”, Ex kept texting her ALL day long. “If I don’t text her, she won’t leave me alone”. Really? I’m not so sure.

  2. Tahoe Bill says:

    Any time someone has a history of dating stalkers, liars, or any other type of problem people my first and pretty much only thought is “I don’t want to be on THAT list.” Took me a while to learn that though, I used to think I could be the antidote. Experience suggests otherwise.

  3. Veka says:

    Now were these women really “stalkers” or were the guys just trying to cover up the fact that maybe they were still trying to see/date her and lying to you about it? Just a random thought.

    Also, why is it that some women get labeled as “crazy” and then the general consensus of the entire male species is that “all women are crazy”?

  4. DatingChronicle says:

    Yikes – my first ex-girlfriend/stalker incident was in college – the spookiest time was when we returned from a date to find her crouched down in a corner of the kitchen (all lights in house off) awaiting our return. Freaked me out BIG TIME – I declared our relationship officially OVER.

  5. Mike Wilson says:

    Well the fact that he has them isn’t necessarily an indication of anything. But how he deals with them is the perfect tell.

    If they call at 4 in the morning and he does anything other than unplug/shutoff the phone, it’s a problem.
    If they show up in the house and he does anything other than call the police, it’s a problem.
    If he makes excuses FOR them, it’s a problem.
    Beware of the “shifting truth” thing though. That could be bad storytelling. If it’s actually contradictory, it’s a problem.

  6. Erin A. says:

    If they were UNCOMFORTABLE having stalkers, that’d be one thing. But anyone who says he is comfortable getting calls at 4 a.m. is either lying or drastically undervaluing the magic of sleep. Either way, bad sign.

  7. HotChickvlosers says:

    Ah, yes. The guys who receive endless late-night texts and phone calls from “stalkers.” In my experience, he simply didn’t have the balls to admit he was dating multiple women. It’s bad enough when a guy can’t man up to his two-timing and three-timing (it’s okay! monogamy is not for everyone, but give your partners a choice in the matter by being honest about it) but that he calls the girls he’s sleeping with and proclaiming his love to “crazy”? Cowardice on top of betrayal on top of hypocrisy.

    That being said, I believe 99% of guys are decent and some percentage of them will have actual stalkers, but I agree that THIS is a very good sign that you should walk away.

  8. PMFoutofwater says:

    I currently have two stalkers, both men. One lives down the street and left me a love letter. The other is a male blogger who isn’t technically stalking me but keeps leaving me suggestive messages. I am a straight guy who attracts more gay men than straight women.
    Nice post by the way.

  9. pups4me says:

    I dated a man whose ex-girlfriend stalked ME…not him.
    She left disturbing phone messages at my workplace, sent letters to my family and me, and even made reference to what my furniture looked like. She followed me in my car one night and as much as it upset me, it didn’t seem to bother the guy I was dating all that much. I should have taken this as a sign of things to come from him, but at the time I didn’t. He said she was “crazy” and I believed him, although it wasn’t difficult not to, given her behavior. Years later I discovered that while she wasn’t all that stable of a person, it may have been some of his actions that prompted her behavior.
    Now I’m a lot more careful when a guy tells me his ex is “crazy”, and while I don’t immediately doubt him, I listen a lot more to the stories and try to figure out if it’s really him that might be crazy.

  10. IMPOSTERGURL says:

    Sounds like they weren’t being stalked but rather ignoring their girlfriends who were probably on to their avoidance to their calls, etc. unfortunately most men (and women) are shit – this practice is too common of late and its quite tiresome to those who are dating, single, etc. enough is a enough, if your going to screw around – don’t commit yourself to anyone and set that expectation that you are not being exclusive – is it seriously that hard to do this?

    people and their lack of values is very disappointing as trust is no longer of value or practiced! i love how “sexy’ media makes affairs when in reality its not! it repercussions can be devastating!

  11. Simone Grant says:

    I agree. My ears now perk up when I hear someone describe an ex as crazy. Sometimes it’s legit, or a joke. But sometimes it’s a warning sign about the person you’re dealing with.
    -Tahoe Bill
    Yeah, I’m know I’m not the antidote to anything :-)
    I can’t say for certain what was and wasn’t happening in both cases, but there police were involved in both cases. And yes, there are men who think all women are crazy, and will label anything they don’t like as crazy.
    That would have scared the crap out of me. I never came face to face with either of these women. I’m not sure what I would’ve done. Probably ended things right there, just like you did.
    -Mike Wilson
    Yep, the warning sign’s were in how the guys dealt with them. And how they talked about them. VERY scary.
    -Erin A.
    Exactly. In the first case, the police weren’t called until the stalker disturbed his neighbors by ringing all of his neighbors buzzers in the middle of the night because he wasn’t home (he was at my place, not answering the phone) – over and over. Only then did he take out an order of protection.
    I’m sorry that happened to you. It sucks when people lie and lord knows I’ve been there. It’s entirely possible there was some lying going on here, but also some serious stalking.
    Now THAT would make an interesting post!
    OMG, that stuff scares the shit out of me. I had a little of that once. An ex who called a few times. But she stopped when I wouldn’t get mad or play along. Just hung up and stopped answering when she called. I’m sorry you had to go through that, so scary. YES, what a good reason to run when men say they have a crazy ex.
    Hmm, Sounds like you’re kind of angry and bitter? I understand. I’ve been there. I don’t agree that most people are shit. I think that most people are good. And that lots of people cheat. They always have.