In response to a friend’s, “How are you?” earlier in the week, I responded, “Numb”. I know I meant it at the time. Completely. But it’s taken me until today to figure out exactly what I meant by it (I’m slow like that).
This is hard for me to write, btw.
I knew, with all of my heart, I was 100% sure that M was just contacting me on a whim. This has been going on for a long time now. Too damn long. The only thing that made it different, this time, was that he used the L word. The ultimate weapon.
And I agreed to give him the opportunity to show me he’s a decent guy, after all. I unblocked him on twitter and started following him back. And in that first week we exchanged a few pleasant DMs and emails.
And then I saw on twitter, after I hadn’t personally heard from him in over a week that he was on his way to the airport (for a trip I hadn’t heard about). And I knew. Yep. I was right. It was a whim.
And I felt myself be angry. Really, really angry. Not at him. At myself. Because I’d given him another chance that he didn’t deserve. And he behaved exactly the way I knew he would (blowing me off, after the whim had passed). And I was foolishly disappointed. Disappointed that he behaved exactly as I knew he would – wtf?
Idiot (me, not him).
I’m writing this today with 99% certainty that he won’t see it. Because I’m sure he’s not reading my blog, now. Because the whim has passed. In a few months he’ll suddenly realize, again, how much he misses me. And then he’ll start reading my blog again and reach out to connect with me. I‘m pretty sure I’ve learned my lesson. Finally.
But back to what I said in the beginning – this numb feeling. I went from being angry to numb. Like I don’t want to feel anything. About anything. Or anyone.
I’m sure it’ll eventually pass.
Tags: bad ex-boyfriend, disappointed, ex-boyfriend