Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Numb

In response to a friend’s, “How are you?” earlier in the week, I responded, “Numb”.  I know I meant it at the time.  Completely.  But it’s taken me until today to figure out exactly what I meant by it (I’m slow like that).

This is hard for me to write, btw.

I knew, with all of my heart, I was 100% sure that M was just contacting me on a whim.  This has been going on for a long time now.  Too damn long.  The only thing that made it different, this time, was that he used the L word.  The ultimate weapon.

And I agreed to give him the opportunity to show me he’s a decent guy, after all.  I unblocked him on twitter and started following him back.  And in that first week we exchanged a few pleasant DMs and emails.

And then I saw on twitter, after I hadn’t personally heard from him in over a week that he was on his way to the airport (for a trip I hadn’t heard about).  And I knew.  Yep.  I was right.  It was a whim.

And I felt myself be angry.  Really, really angry.  Not at him.  At myself.  Because I’d given him another chance that he didn’t deserve.  And he behaved exactly the way I knew he would (blowing me off, after the whim had passed).  And I was foolishly that he behaved exactly as I knew he would – wtf?

Idiot (me, not him).

I’m writing this today with 99% certainty that he won’t see it.  Because I’m sure he’s not reading my blog, now.  Because the whim has passed.  In a few months he’ll suddenly realize, again, how much he misses me.  And then he’ll start reading my blog again and reach out to connect with me.  I‘m pretty sure I’ve learned my lesson. Finally.

But back to what I said in the beginning – this numb feeling.  I went from being angry to numb.  Like I don’t want to feel anything.  About anything.  Or anyone.

I’m sure it’ll eventually pass.


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13 to “Numb”


  1. kitty moore says:

    It will pass…just ignore the idiot next time he contacts you on a whim.

  2. Ernestine Heldring says:

    Hang in there. This is really true: you deserve happiness.

  3. Tahoe Bill says:

    Ya, hang in there, it’ll pass. I think. I’m going on like a year of numb, lol.

    One good discovery is to realize that you can really, really, miss someone–but still understand that getting back together with them is not a good idea.

  4. pansophy says:

    Just to set the record straight, you weren’t giving him a second chance but yourself.

    He affects you and writing him off didn’t change that and now that you are back in it, so to speak, you now have a choice. You can bury ‘it’ / him again and continue to be quietly but significantly affected by him or (dare I say it) you can find a way to let it go (and the history / beliefs separate of him that gives this such power).

    To me this whole thing has been a tremendous opportunity for personal transcendence so I can only have the utmost respect for your courage to take it on.

  5. LPS says:

    He’s still acting like a baby, isn’t he? He threw his toys out of the pram and demanded your attention, writing that email, then the blog post, etc. When the temper tantrum passed he’s back to his old routine. You’re doing the right thing, concentrating on finding your balance in life again. You will eventually reach the point where any cries for attention from him won’t affect you in the slightest. You’ve been through the wars lately dealing with M factor. You do deserve much better. His whims signify that he still doesn’t know what he wants, and at his age, not to have his emotional sh*t together, it’s very sad. I’m sorry about all this! But this episode will pass. You’ll be feeling happy again in no time at all.

  6. PMFoutofwater says:

    I don’t have any experience of this scenario so my tuppence-worth would be useless. Basically I just dropped by to say I’m still enjoying your work. Keep your chin up!

  7. Miss Lee Dates says:

    Guys will pull out heavy hitting words like “love” when they think the situation demands something stronger. Like when they have cried Wolf many times before. When he is feeling lonely once more, he will jerk your chain again. Next time you should delight in telling him that you’re dating someone else! Remember that guys will treat us how we teach them to treat us. If we let them get away with this behaviour then we have taught them that it is ok, then the cycle continues. Teach him that this is not acceptable for you.

    Best of luck.

    Miss Lee.

  8. shabel says:

    These things always happen to the best of us, I guess you should look before you leap, whatever it is.

    And i agree with pansophy! You were giving yourself the chance, not so much as giving him.

  9. pups4me says:

    Why is it that there are people in our lives that we allow to do this to us? I can completely relate to your situation SG, and I can understand why you let him back in…even if now it seems it was the wrong thing to do. I think for those of us that are optimistic, there will always be that small, nagging voice in our heart (not our head) that wants to believe people can change for the better. There may be a thousand reasons why your head tells you to stay away, and your friends and family say the same things, but that tiny little piece of hope can prevent us from seeing things clearly. It hurts like heck…but I can’t imagine what it would be like to have no hope at all. Hope is what keeps us moving forward, looking for better relationships and helping us to leave the pain of past mistakes behind.
    Keep moving forward :-)

  10. Simone Grant says:

    -kitty moore
    Welcome to the blog. And yes, that’s the plan. That’s always the plan.
    -Ernestine Heldring
    Thank you and welcome to you, too. I’d like to think I deserve happiness. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have any to offer me.
    -Tahoe Bill
    There are much worse things than numb, I guess. And yes, I know and have to remind myself every once in a while that caring for a person doesn’t mean you belong together.
    -pansophy
    I’m pretty sure you and I will never see these things in the same way, but I appreciate your support. I don’t really see myself as having been particularly courageous. I just needed to know. For 100% certain. To have every last bit of doubt obliterated. And now I think I have that..
    -LPS
    It is sad. And there is a part of me that will always be sad about it. That’s the truth.
    -PMFoutofwater
    Thanks darling. I’m working on that chin up thing.
    -Miss Lee Dates
    Thanks darling and welcome to the blog. Yes, we all treat people how to treat us. Which is why he’s not in my life. I deserve better than he’s willing to give. But stupid me, I keep telling him he can have another chance to show me he’s changed. I can be a real moron sometimes.
    -shabel
    Yes, look before you leap. And maybe, just maybe it’s time for me to accept that he will never change. No matter how much I’d like him to. Never.
    -pups4me
    HOPE. Yes, hope. And we need to keep moving forward :-)

  11. alittlecoffee says:

    The numbness will mostly pass, eventually. I’ve been there and thought I was the only one who felt that way. It happened to me when my fiance dumped me for another woman and then I got laid off from my job 5 weeks later. I couldn’t let myself really *feel* all that, because it was too overwhelming and it would have broken me, so I just went numb. It was self-protection at first but it got really frustrating after awhile. I wanted to FEEL something again. And eventually, my feelings just came back, but not full-strength, not the way I used to feel things. I’m not sure if I’m glad or not about the way it’s turned out.

  12. Anonymous says:

    The exact same thing happened to me…for five years. The whim moments became a “relationship”. I’m not saying it was a healthy one, but it was the most that I was gonna get out of him, and at the time, I’d rather have the whim moments than nothing.

    I knew they were going to happen, and I couldn’t stop myself from falling for them every time. It wasn’t until he got into a serious relationship that I really let it go, and even now, I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t fall for it again if he came back and I wasn’t dating someone. When we love someone, we want them to change, but as I’m sure you know, they have to want to change themselves, I hope you learned it this time, and you don’t let as much time pass on the same person as I did. :(

  13. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    The thing is that, for most of us, strong emotion isn’t just a whim. Our passions don’t come and go in cycles. So it’s hard for us to understand and really accept that when certain people say the L Word, it doesn’t mean to them what it means to us. So, sometimes, we go back to those people again and again because we just have to prove to ourselves that they really ARE that screwed up.

    And now you know he is. Hopefully, now you can make a decision to let him go. Your heart may not want to, but sometimes we have to rule our hearts with our heads.