Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

And You Are It

I have no idea what made me think of this…

A few years ago I met this guy (online).  We had a pretty great first date.  I thought he was smart and funny and cute – all the good stuff.  And he seemed really into me.  Almost too much.  Which caused a little warning bell to go off in my head.  He was just too into me for a first date (and not in the, ‘I’m trying to get in your pants’ kinda way).

And then that bell got louder when he told me that he’d just started again.  And that I was, actually, his first date.  That, in fact,  until recently he’d been living with someone.  For almost 2 years.  And that he’d met her online.  And that she was the first person he’d met the last (and first) time he tried .

It seemed a little weird to me.  But it was a good date so I went out with him again, and had another really great date.  That night, though, he was a lot more (in that, ‘I’m trying to get in your pants’ kinda way) and I wasn’t ready to make that move with him.  To be honest, he was starting to come off as a little too needy for my taste.  And the whole, I just got out of a serious relationship (with the first woman I met when I started online dating and now you’re the first woman I’m going out with…) gave me pause.  So we didn’t sleep together that night but I did accept another date with him.

And then our third date was less fun.  Much less.   Little cracks in his facade started to show.  And I realized that I liked him a lot less than I’d initially realized.  A LOT.  LESS.

But me being me I had to be sure.  Two good dates and one bad one – I needed a fourth date to see.  I figured maybe he’d just had a bad day at work, the day of the third date.

After the fourth date I was sure.  He was kinda a jerk.  A total jerk.  So when I recieved an email from him saying how much he enjoyed my company and that he was hoping I’d save time to see him during my busy weekend, I picked up the phone and told him that I wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore.  That he and I just didn’t fit together (or something polite and neutral like that).  I thought he took it well.

A week or so later the emails started.  Horrid, nasty emails.  You see, he wasn’t done with me.  He was sure I’d made a mistake.  I needed him.  He would be good for me.  I was just too foolish to realize it.

I ignored the first few.  And then replied to one, asking that he stop.  That just made him madder and confirmed his suspision that I needed him.  And so I went back to ignoring him.  Then the emails started to get really mean and scary. For a few months.  Then he got bored and gave up.

The best I can figure it, he’d decided, by our first or second date, that I was going to be his new girlfriend.  He’d picked me.  Not because I’m the most fabulous woman in the world.  But because I fit whatever criteria he had (who knows, maybe he made that decision before we even met).  And then he freaked out because I didn’t want to play along.

Anyway, he’s why I started using a special email account (one that doesn’t have my real, full name associated with it) just for online dating/dating.  No man gets my real email address until I’ve decided he’s a keeper.

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19 to “And You Are It”

  1. DaveTheBrit says:

    Great post as usual.

    I think he was just looking for anyone that said yes and fair play for giving it a few other tries before you decided. People have off days and can be total jerks.( Except me obviously)

    But saying that, sometimes the first date can be perfect, so it can all depend!

  2. That Kind of Girl says:

    Ewwwww, a great reminder to guard anonymity when online dating! I’m so curious about the specific jerky behavior that caused your opinion of him to change so quickly, though! (Obviously a good opinion-swap, it transpires.)

  3. ChrisD says:

    As a genuinely good guy, I’m sorry for the behavior of my gender. I can see why women have to be so careful today. It’s a much more frightening world and it makes it so much more difficult for those of us who are ‘normal’.

  4. iamalejandra says:

    After almost a year I sometimes get emails from this guy who I NEVER even went on a date with!! Little emails saying “Something reminded me of you, and I thought I’d email you …” I NEVER answer but he still emails me!!

  5. grad student says:

    @ChrisD: Don’t think you need to apologize for a whole gender. I am a member of that gender and don’t feel that this jerk is representative at all. This type of thing is not gender-discriminative. that said, it was a post about a guy.

    I wonder, like That Kind of Girl, what changed/transpired? I am reminded of a Seinfeld episode where a guy tricks Elaine into a few dates. The third date, he brings his Mom and Dad (without telling Elaine). He never did acknowledge any ‘dates’. Of course, it is funny in a SitCom, not in a real life stalker thing.

    I too have a separate email account for times when I don’t want people (or web surveys or product registrations) to have access to the ‘real me’. Good to remember to be as anonymous as possible until you really know someone.

  6. klawless says:

    ahhhhhh, the old “I know what’s better for you than you do.” It makes me want to give them another chance every time! NOT. How funny is it that someone would think that pushing you into a corner and trying to control you would make you want them?

    I learned that anonymity lesson the IM way. I still have a guy who — after trying to sex talk me via IM message (before we even met and had only exchanged a few emails) three YEARS ago — still pops up late night to say “whassup hot stuff?” I’ve never replied in all these years and told him straight out 3 years ago that I wasn’t interested. I’ve tried blocking every which way to Sunday but the best I can figure out is that because it’s attached to my email account, he’ll never be fully off the list since I get notified that he’s trying to send a message through.

    Needless to say, I almost never give out my IM handle these days.

  7. JustinSF says:

    Gmail filters rule and now that I’ve had google voice for a few months I don’t even mind handing out my number to random women at bars. It’ll be a while before she can get my real cell for exactly this issue.

  8. PMFoutofwater says:

    Really enjoyed this post, Simone.

  9. starangel82 says:

    Exactly why I have a seperate email as well. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be smart to have a pay-by-the-minute phone as well just for online dating purposes. Then I wonder if that’s taking it too far… and not trusting enough.

    But you can’t be too careful these days.

  10. kj1210 says:

    You definitely handled it the right way. You never want to push buttons on people who have that type of personality. Who knows their limits. The e-mail idea is great and I think more people need to do that. Online dating is not a bad thing, and there are occasional run-ins like the above story, but if you play it safe (like you do with your email accounts) and you don’t purposely piss anyone off (which you didn’t, especially by just ignoring him), then it can be a great experience.

  11. lpham12 says:

    is this the time when you were on a date with a guy and you happened to mention to him about some scary emails you were receiving and he offered to act in as your boyfriend or intercede on your behalf? (i’m reading your archives so this is still fresh in my mind)

  12. AoC Johnny says:

    The best are people with not much of a life so they invite themselves into yours. Because of social medias and internet they have a way of knowing your schedule.

    I’ ve have become a little paranoid.

  13. You Make My Date says:

    Woah, that’s a really useful gem of information there. Now that I think about it, it seems obvious to have a secondary email…but when you’re doing online dating and you’ve been messaging back and forth a bit, it feels almost as though you know the person, so all defenses are dropped!
    Thanks for the tip :)

  14. Ashley Goes says:

    Oh no!! That’s like serial killer scary! Good thing you opted out of that early on!!! Creeeeppyy

  15. Witless Fool says:

    Always trust your instincts. I’m glad you got away quick enough >_< scary….

  16. kitty moore says:

    I had one of those – 5 dates then 6 months to get rid of him properly…thing is, alarm bells rang from the first date, but like you, I had to be sure he was a freak!

  17. Singlegal says:

    I noticed this phenomena (it needs a name …) when I first started dating too. I’ve always thought of it as the “You’ll Do”. I had one guy ready to move across the country and that was a big WHOA – you don’t even know me! I’m much better at picking these guys out very early on in the process. But to be honest, it was seriously kinda fascinating. For a minute.

  18. Simone Grant says:

    First a blanket welcome. I have several new commenters in this comment thread. So glad you could join us.
    Thanks, and isn’t it funny how a first date CAN be great and then afterwards you realize you don’t like the person at all?
    -That Kind of Girl
    I’m a fan of anonymity in any dating situation. I wouldn’t treat a guy I met in a cafe any differently than one I met online. I don’t know shit (really) about either. As to his behavior, he started to act really bossy and arrogant and shallow. So not hot.
    No need to apologize and it’s not just women who need to be careful. There are some psycho chicks out there too.
    -grad student
    I’ve never found most of the things they present as funny dating mishaps to be funny. Probably because they too closely resemble real life:-)
    Oh gosh, I have very strict rules against IM. No IM until I know I like a guy. Those are just too hard to shake and ignore. Ick.
    Excellent suggestions. I just think it’s a matter of creating a little wall.
    Thanks darling:-)
    Honestly, I’m not that afraid to give out my cell number, but I could understand why someone wouldn’t want to.
    I’m a big fan of online dating and think that people who are afraid of it are kind of wussy. Like I’ve said before, I don’t see how a guy I meet online is any more dangerous than one I meet in a cafe. Staying anonymous with either until we get to know each other is just smart.
    Wow, I’m totally flattered. Same guy, different take on the story :-)
    -AoC Johnny
    Paranoid? It does suck when people with no lives cyberstalk you. I can SO RELATE. You can always block people if you choose. I usually don’t bother. I figure if they’re that pathetic…
    OMG. That guys totally wins the prize. A year. LOL.
    -You Make My Date
    Never confuse knowing someone online with actually “knowing them”. BIG Difference.
    -Ashley Goes
    Yes, I’m very happy that I got out when I did.
    -Witless Fool
    Thanks. Every once in a while I’m not wrong.
    -kitty moore
    It’s an odd thing, the need to know for sure before we give them the boot. Very odd. Glad I’m not the only one who does it.
    Who knew that it was so widespread. Wow. Fascinating and creepy at the same time.

  19. Anonymous says: is a stalker who stalks women. He won’t leave it alone. He rants and has many accounts. This guy seems to have an obession with sarah palin as well. He sure does have an obession with a few people on sites/web by posting lies and silly stuff out. He has been reported as well. If you get anything from him do not respond. Thank You.