Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

In Love and Other Mysteries

I was thinking of a post I wanted to write about and being in (I’ve been watching WAY too much tv this week, it’s turning my brain soft) so of course I turned to my favorite resource tool – the Urban Dictionary.  Here are a few of the better definitions it gives for in love.

  • someone you cant get enought of. you stay up all night thinking about him/her. when you are with him/her you want to stay in his/her arms forever.
  • To care about someone so much that your happiness doesn’t matter anymore – just theirs. There’s nothing you won’t do for them, you just want them to be happy. They fill you with wonder, you are completely amazed by them. And when you are in love with someone, you’ll even let them be with someone else if they can be happier without you. Its a feeling that runs so deep it conquers everything. You’re not afraid of anything. All you want is them, and their happiness. They are your number one priority, over yourself and everything you know.
    They are your world. And you can only wish to be theirs.
  • When two people know each other for who they really are, and like each other anyway.
  • In love, it’s complicated.

    Well, I think it is.  Or, at least, it always has been for me.  I’ve been in love exactly twice.  In neither case did I use the words, btw.  Ever.  I’m not the mushy type. But the guys knew how I felt and I knew that they felt pretty much the same way about me.  For the record, guy number one told me, over and over, that I was his .  Guy number two didn’t use the love word until long after the loving was over.

    In both cases I fell in love fast.  Too fast.  Not as first sight.  But fast.  And each time I found myself in love with a completely unlikely, totally inappropriate person with whom any hopes of a happily ever would be a logistical nightmare.

    Hmmm.

    But I was in love.  And love is about the heart and not the head.  So both times I spent years battling within myself.  Head versus heart.  And as the war raged (for years, each time) I became, in many ways, the walking wounded.

    I was thinking about this this week.  For a bunch of reasons.


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10 to “In Love and Other Mysteries”


  1. KateAnne says:

    Yes. Umm. Yes.
    The war, walking wounded, battle between head and heart. I feel you. I too have been there twice. And it takes me years to get to a point where I am not walking wounded. Sad. But its not really something i think we can control for. Just have to deal with it? *sigh*

  2. AGirlNamedMe says:

    I’m sitting here wondering why you couldn’t tell them how you were feeling. Maybe it’s the feeling of vulnerability – admitting that you were able to be hurt by them? or feeling that the love wouldn’t be returned?

    I maybe missed the point of this post. Or not.
    xo

  3. Anonymous says:

    Love sucks.

  4. grad student says:

    I think the 3rd definition is the best one. You really know each other and still want to be together.

    On the other side, if you are in love, I think you gotta put it out there.. say the words. It is scary and you will probably be hurt sometimes., but thats what I think

  5. dmfontana says:

    Simone –

    Nice way to end your blog… “I was thinking about this this week. For a bunch of reasons.” … It leaves us all waiting for the follow-up.

    I also like the third definition.

    I’ll toss in two more, its become how I’ve learned to define love…
    • Romantic Love – It’s that “heart and flowers, soft and fuzzy” kind of love. The head over heels thing that people do at the beginning of a relationship where everything is just right. Where the world is perfect, has a theme song and seems to be “just like a movie”. It’s an amazing feeling, but it’s like Fluff – empty calories and eventually you will push the jar away and go “no more”.
    • Real Love – This is where you know all the other persons bad habits and things that drive you crazy… and you still can’t imagine a day without them. This is where you are willing to negotiate, give in, stand strong (because you never give in all the time). You not only like this person and are in love with them too. They are the one person you just want to be with. When something great (or terrible happens) they are that first call you make.

    As for why you never used the words in your two experiences… my guess is, you didn’t feel in love. When you are actually “in love”… the words tend to sneak up on you and just slip out. I don’t think it’s a planned thing. I think it happens a lot of times when your guard is down and you feel comfortable saying it. Honestly, if you didn’t say it… you probably REALLY didn’t feel it.

    But that’s just what I think.

    David

  6. DateratLarge says:

    I’ve always realized I’d fallen in love too late, after the fact, and often after the relationship was past the point of being salvaged. It was a surprise to me, and then I had the sadness of the relationship ending plus the awareness that I was losing someone I had actually fallen for, too.

    I think not being aware of my own feelings had to do with me not being ready for those feelings. Not wanting to be vulnerable (to AGNM’s point). I think I loved those men, but I never quite made it to being “in love”.

    I guess I’m still waiting for the two to collide. Knowing you love someone WHILE you’re involved with them. I’m a work in progress :)

  7. quirkyeconomist says:

    I agree with dmfontana – there’s a difference between the fleeting honeymoon feeling of falling in love (I usually think of it as infatuation) and the more lasting love that only develops over time. The first definition from the Urban Dictionary strikes me as infatuation; the third seems more like ‘real’ love and the second is sort of an odd mix of the two. I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot lately because although things are really great in my current relationship, I keep wondering when the giddy infatuation feeling is going to start wearing off (been working on a post about it but can’t seem to make the words work). I don’t know if this was true for you but for me, the problem with infatuation-type love is that when I’ve been in it before, it made me overlook all the reasons why the guys were ‘totally inappropriate’ and then by the time that wore off, I had developed feelings of REAL love that made it difficult to walk away.

  8. Simone Grant says:

    -KateAnne
    It’s that lack of control that I find rather interesting. I don’t believe that people have much control over who they fall in love with. Like you said, it’s just something we have to deal with. I find that bizarre and scary.
    -AGirlNamedMe
    I don’t know that I had one specific point. I was thinking about love, in a rather amorphous way. And so that’s the way I wrote about it.
    -Anon
    I’m not that much of a cynic.
    -grad student
    I’m also partial to that 3rd definition. As to saying the words… Lots of people go their whole lives with neither hearing or saying the words. It doesn’t mean they don’t feel it, ever.
    -dmfontana
    I’m probably one of the least romantic people on the planet and romantic love has no attraction to me (this has been an issue in past relationships – I don’t do hearts and flowers). But that’s besides the point, I’m not a fan of parsing emotions. People feel how they feel. We use labels to try to communicate those feelings. And sometimes we choose not to communicate because the words seem too heavy, too hard.
    -DateratLarge
    I think we’re all works in progress, emotionally and every other way. The fact that you’re aware of that and willing to admit it puts you way ahead of the game.
    -quirkyeconomist
    Nope. In both cases I knew from moment #1 that they were inappropriate. My head kept screaming, at full volume to walk away. But it didn’t matter. I knew each of those men for what they were and the damage that they’d likely do to my life. But I wanted to find a way to make it work anyway. No giddy haze.

  9. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    Is anyone else cringing at that second definition?

    “To care about someone so much that your happiness doesn’t matter anymore – just theirs…They are your number one priority, over yourself and everything you know. They are your world.”

    That’s just scary. Sounds more like obsession than love. I think some of the worst relationship problems have their root in this very mentality–that love means being so consumed by someone else that you bury your own needs and desires and narrow your world to a box built for two that eventually becomes a prison.

  10. Simone Grant says:

    -Singletude
    It definitely starts off in cringing territory for me, but then I felt it softened when the person talked about wanting the person you love to be happy, even if it wasn’t with you. I agree with you that sometimes love becomes obsession and that’s just not healthy. But I’d like to think that that’s the extreme and not the norm.