Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

And Then I Did It

Last week was so intense, full of so much drama. I couldn’t imagine, while I was in the thick of it, how it was going to turn out.

And then on Saturday morning I had a chat with another one of my good guy friends.  Someone older and wiser.  The person who said, after things imploded with M the first time, “you didn’t really think that would work out, did you?”  And his perspective was very helpful.

He was pretty sure that one of two things was going on:

  • That since M was 39 now (my age) that maybe he was going through what a lot of single and divorced guys go through around their 40th birthdays.  That he could be thinking about wanting to settle down (again) and if that was the case he was rethinking missed opportunities…
  • That M has another long trip to NYC coming up and he wants to get laid. Sure, he could find someone else to fuck while he’s here.  But we’re good together.  And maybe he’s thinking that enough time has passed, that I’ll forgive him enough and he can be an occasional fuckbuddy.  For when he’s in town.  This is sooooo not going to happen, btw.

And then, later in the day, it hit me – there was also a pretty likely 3rd option. M was acting on a whim. He was thinking about me for whatever reason and he reached out to connect, not thinking for a moment about the effect it would have on me.

And suddenly it seemed ridiculous that I was sitting in my apartment in NYC wondering about his motives. Wasting my time worrying about it.  Because I’m not a mindreader.  I was never going to know until I asked.  So I sent him an email and told him I was home and willing to talk.

Later in the day he called and we talked, for all of about 5 minutes.  It was a pleasant conversation.  Weird and pleasant.  Mostly small talk actually.  M does that.  He likes to pretend that everything is fine, wants to ask about my work and shit.   Avoids the ugly.

And then, after he said how nice it was to hear my voice, I asked him why.  Why now? And he said something vague about doing some thinking lately.  And I left it at that.  I’m not going to probe and prod.  If there is a forward for us to move towards, he’s going to have to do the driving.

So that’s it.  I know that he’s busy for the next two weeks wrapping up a project.  And he knows that I’m also busy right now trying to launch a couple of new projects. And maybe this will all come to nothing.  And maybe it won’t.  But I did what I felt I needed to do. I reached out and asked.  No more guessing games.


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12 to “And Then I Did It”


  1. OpinionatedGift says:

    Good for you. Stick to your guns.

  2. Veka says:

    This is definitely a good time to say “good for you. ” As long as you’re doing what you feel like you need to do, then you’re headed in the right direction. Wherever that may be.

  3. AGirlNamedMe says:

    Good for you. Closure or not. Get the answers YOU need so you can move on in either case. xo

  4. dazediva says:

    That’s great that you got it out of your system …. It’s what you feel like doing and its getting you some sort of answers which is better than not knowing anything at all.

  5. Quirkyeconomist says:

    I just had to add another “good for you!” I honestly think the world be so much better off if people would just be more direct. Women, in particular, seem to prefer to torture ourselves with mind-reading attempts, instead of just asking what we want to know.

  6. LittleMissAngry says:

    god that’s so refreshing.. just calling and asking. if it were me, i’d probably be just sitting and guessing till my head hurt!

  7. You Make My Date says:

    As with everyone else here, I think you made an awesome and brave move. I know it’s easier said than done, but focus on what you need to do for your projects over the next few weeks…and know that we’re here for you, every step of the way.

  8. AnalyticalDiva says:

    I definitely appreciate you asking him the question. But I guess it blows my mind that you didn’t want him to delve further into what was really driving his actions. Maybe I’ve started to doubt the things but I always wonder what lies beneath the surface – but that will definitely reveal itself in time!

    And hoping you’ll keep us posted!

  9. Simone Grant says:

    Wow, I didn’t really think I’d get kudos for that. Truthfully, I was a little afraid there’d be another round of nasty comments (but I can’t write this blog with those people’s issues in mind). I think I’ve just finally reached a point in my life where there is no point, for me, in conforming to rules or expectations. If speaking to M is “wrong”, then I guess I’ll be wrong. It was what I wanted to do and I’m tired of apologizing for myself. And if asking him why was wrong, then….

    I’m just so glad there are other people who get it.

  10. Singletude says:

    I definitely get why you wanted to have an answer, but did he actually give you one? Sounds like he just sort of gave you the runaround?

  11. Simone Grant says:

    -Singletude
    M didn’t give me the answer I wanted. It wasn’t really about that for me. I was telling him that I needed an answer. That there was no forward until he gave me one. There is no possible runaround. I’m no longer available for that game.

  12. VJ1 says:

    All well & good & reasonably adult too. (Everyone needs that now & then, certainly.) But following along, I’m not getting the ‘Sociopath’ bit. This is the ‘evil-X’ right? I know, we don’t know the details or much of the back story in what went on here. But run of the mill carelessness/cluelessness, confusion or severe inatriculation does not make for a decent description of a sociopath. Ditto for the typical relationship ‘lies’. So I’m not getting it, but then again maybe I’m not meant to. (I don’t know what ‘his whole life was a lie’ mans in this context).

    It’s your life, and you can treat this bloke anyway you see fit. If he’s really not apologized for something seriously wrong he’s done or harm he’s caused, he’s probably not worth the risk alone. Still, that’s a pretty common occurrence. True working breathing sociopaths might not be all too rare to run into, but for all the claims everywhere, you’d think that every other guy in NYC qualifies. That just can’t be the case. But bottom line, if you asked him for something directly that he was unable, unwilling or seemingly incapable of supplying in the way of support or psychological need and it was a pretty rational request? Then anyone might expect to be disappointed enough to not to want to make any more serious future contact with them. It can get down to the simple stuff, w/o the psychiatric diagnoses. And yes, I say this full knowing that about 25% of the population is walking around with an largely undiagnosed psychiatric issue, or more serious disease or illness. Cheers, ‘VJ’