Last week was so intense, full of so much drama. I couldn’t imagine, while I was in the thick of it, how it was going to turn out.
And then on Saturday morning I had a chat with another one of my good guy friends. Someone older and wiser. The person who said, after things imploded with M the first time, “you didn’t really think that would work out, did you?” And his perspective was very helpful.
He was pretty sure that one of two things was going on:
- That since M was 39 now (my age) that maybe he was going through what a lot of single and divorced guys go through around their 40th birthdays. That he could be thinking about wanting to settle down (again) and if that was the case he was rethinking missed opportunities…
- That M has another long trip to NYC coming up and he wants to get laid. Sure, he could find someone else to fuck while he’s here. But we’re good together. And maybe he’s thinking that enough time has passed, that I’ll forgive him enough and he can be an occasional fuckbuddy. For when he’s in town. This is sooooo not going to happen, btw.
And then, later in the day, it hit me – there was also a pretty likely 3rd option. M was acting on a whim. He was thinking about me for whatever reason and he reached out to connect, not thinking for a moment about the effect it would have on me.
And suddenly it seemed ridiculous that I was sitting in my apartment in NYC wondering about his motives. Wasting my time worrying about it. Because I’m not a mindreader. I was never going to know until I asked. So I sent him an email and told him I was home and willing to talk.
Later in the day he called and we talked, for all of about 5 minutes. It was a pleasant conversation. Weird and pleasant. Mostly small talk actually. M does that. He likes to pretend that everything is fine, wants to ask about my work and shit. Avoids the ugly.
And then, after he said how nice it was to hear my voice, I asked him why. Why now? And he said something vague about doing some thinking lately. And I left it at that. I’m not going to probe and prod. If there is a forward for us to move towards, he’s going to have to do the driving.
So that’s it. I know that he’s busy for the next two weeks wrapping up a project. And he knows that I’m also busy right now trying to launch a couple of new projects. And maybe this will all come to nothing. And maybe it won’t. But I did what I felt I needed to do. I reached out and asked. No more guessing games.
Tags: drama, ex-boyfriend