Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

More Games or Is This the Real Law of Attraction?

Last night was another girls night out.  Me, Lostplum, @meghanberes, and @damiella all met up for lychee martinis down on the LES (Lower East Side for out-of-towners).   As we were getting ready to leave I checked my iphone and saw this message:

“I wanted to say that you looked really nice today! And I don’t know why you don’t have a serious boyfriend. I really don’t know. Not everyone is a jerk like me.”

It was from a man I went out with briefly. (I’m not going to say who. That’s not relevant to this story.) I guess I passed him on the street or in the subway on my way to the bar.

Anyway, I found the timing on that just hysterical.  Considering.

So here’s my question: Do men suddenly find me (or all women) more appealing and desirable after our relationships are over?  Does the magic I WANT HER button light up right after we tell them to go to hell?  And if so, is there some truth in the pathetic that some women play, being standoffish and mean to men from the get-go?

Or is the true law of attraction that people only really want what they cannot have?


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10 to “More Games or Is This the Real Law of Attraction?”


  1. LittleMissAngry says:

    people only really want what they cannot have, always.

  2. PMFoutofwater says:

    Yes, people want want they can’t have – but there has to be some ‘feeling’ already there in the subconcious.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Really? For out-of-towners? Anyone who has ever heard of New York knows what the LES is.

  4. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    I think a certain kind of person always wants what he can’t have, and that kind of person tends to not treat a woman well when he DOES have her. Such a guy is an idealizer, more interested in fantasy than reality. Also, there’s a rose-colored glasses effect that can come into play with any relationship after it ends.

    You asked, “And if so, is there some truth in the pathetic game that some women play, being standoffish and mean to men from the get-go?”

    I’ve always maintained that women who play games get game players.

  5. LoneStar60 says:

    Hey Anonymous, I thought “LES” meant “Leave and Earnings Statement….” I, for one, appreciate having acronyms clarified from time to time.

  6. AF says:

    @ Anonymous: You think so? Not everyone in the world who matters is an American. Nor, for that matter, do they know more than the name and perhaps Broadway about New York. Added to that, acronyms often have many and various meanings depending on the subject under discussion at the time. Still WTF…

    @ Simone: More seriously, I get where you’re coming from, I believe, but I di think it’s so common that it’s part of the human condition that people almost ALWAYS want what they can’t have, (which is why banning things the way most governments do virtually NEVER works, but that’s another subject).

    That said, perhaps the guy is showing a remarkable degree of realism? Are there no things for you that make a particular guy a total non-starter (I know there are) and yet, if only… if only it were not for that one thing that you can’t ignore, you could see yourself loving him to bits.

    I don’t know the circumstances, of course, but perhaps this man recognises that he is very (maybe very, VERY) attracted to you, but he can’t get over … whatever … maybe just the fact that he IS a jerk and knows it and perhaps wishes that he wasn’t, but knows he won’t change?

    Then again, perhaps he was just saying sorry for being a jerk – period! It won’t change what he is and he probably knows that, but he can still apologise, can’t he?

  7. renrexx says:

    I want someone I can’t have.
    A guy was pursuing me, and wanted to be in a one-on-one relationship, but I wasn’t feeling it. I was just having fun. Then, he expressed interest in someone else, and I suddenly found myself drawn to him. I missed the attention and am flirting with him like crazy cause I can’t have him.

  8. Veka says:

    I think it really is an unspoken rule. It’s happened to me a few times before, and the timing is always impeccable.

  9. Simone Grant says:

    -LittleMissAngry
    Always? I’m not arguing with you, but I hate absolutes. There is something inside of me that refuses to believe in a black and white answer to any question.
    -PMFoutofwater
    That makes sense to me. So you want it MORE because you can’t have it. But you already want it?
    -Anon
    Yes, call me crazy for wanting to be inclusive.
    -Singletude
    Ouch. The rose-colored glasses thing has the feel of truth to it. It’s frightening how that happens.
    -AF
    My interpretation is “Sorry for being a jerk.” And hey, I think apologies are great. I’m all for them.
    -renrexx
    It’s funny how that works both ways. Funny and unbelievably sad. Sometimes being human sucks.
    -Veka
    Yeah, the timing is really what’s killing me. There’s only so much I can take at one time.

  10. grad student says:

    @Anon… Um, I heard of ‘New York’ about 30 years ago but have never heard of LES. So pfft.
    (thanks Simone for the clarification)
    @renrxx.. sounds like bigger, better deal syndrome. Yeah, this guy is pretty alright, go for fun, but someone BETTER might come along.. so… Now, he has moved on and your someone hasn’t arrived

    Simone: Thing is, I think lots of folks begin fond remembrances when things are not going well. “Wow, this job sucks. I sure wish I hadn’t quit XYZ, that place was pretty awesome”. But, at XYZ you were miserable (or thought so)
    Now, it seems you dropped him, so he is probably just missing a good thing, especially if he hasn’t had someone in his life.

    The game?? Easy question: Is it true? Does all that Pick-Up Artist crap really work? Hidden meanness in comments: “Nice sweater; gift from Grandma?” and ignoring women? There is a theory out there among men as well… treat ‘em like shit and they can’t stay away.
    Does that work for you? Nope. So, that game may work for a very short while. Then, revenge planning begins. Nothing finer than having a girl who has treated you like a doormat piece of shit for a few months find you in the midst of a tryst with another woman (especially if a friend of hers).

    Don’t play games… if you want something serious with a person, tell them. If its just a casual fun dating thing, tell them that too.