On Fridays I usually almost always frequently do list posts. You know, 7 Reasons I Like... or 5 Things Men Should Do…. I do them because they tend to be popular.
Today’s list(s) are going to be of an entirely different type. Probably not as popular.
First, an update, it’s been about 48 hours since I received those emails from M (the one I posted and the second, more personal one). I have not communicated with him in any way. He is leaving it for me to contact him. I know him well enough to know that, and he knows me well enough to know that that’s the smart thing to do.
I still have no idea what I’m going to do. Really. This isn’t about me drawing you into the story and dragging it out for as many days as I can. I’m honestly and sincerely confused.
I spent some time on the phone with one of my best friends last night and I was almost hoping that he’d take a strong stand against my ever speaking to M again. He’s done so in the past. But this time, after hearing all the new details, he wasn’t in a rush to pass judment. He was saying things like, “maybe it took him this long to realize what happened…”. And when I asked him (my friend) if he thought that M was a good person, deep down. (This is important to me. It’s probably something I’ll write about at another time. But I do actually need the man I love – yes I just used the L word – to be a good person. At one time I was certain that M was a good person. And then I was certain he wasn’t.) He said yes.
My friend had two questions for me: 1) Am I over M? 2) Do I want to be his friend?
I didn’t answer.
Which brings me to these lists. My problem is that everything in relation to M is a memory. I don’t really have active feelings for him (which I think means that I’m over him). But when I remember - whoa. There is a flood of good and flood of bad memories.
I Remember (Good Memories)
- I remember how easy it was to be with him. I didn’t have to try to be anyone but myself.
- I remember how supportive he was of me and my wishes/dreams/happiness. I never would have taken my own writing seriously if it weren’t for him telling me I should/could to it.
- I remember how how much fun we had together.
- I remember how much effort he made to blend our two very different worlds together.
- I remember how hard he tried to stay in touch with me while he was away.
- I remember how safe I felt with him. Even when it became clear to me that things were messy (that the “I’m moving to NYC in a few months” thing was not a sure thing). There was something special about just being together, even if I had no idea what the future was going to bring.
- And yes, the sex worked quite well, too. I really do miss that.
I Remember (Bad Memories)
- I remember the drastic shift in his personality and actions, how cold and indifferent he got.
- I remember feeling pushed away.
- I remember him telling me it was my imagination.
- I remember crying in his arms because I’d just dropped everything to spend the weekend with him and the only time he even looked at me was when we were fucking.
- I remember finding out that he had an active online dating profile, months into our relationship.
- I remember him not being there for me when I really needed him.
- I remember several attempts at “friendship” that failed because he dropped the ball.
It’s a lot. A lot to process. And like I said, these are not really active feelings. Sure, I miss the sex. But I wouldn’t be missing it if I were having great sex with someone else.
M has asked me if we can be friends. That question has kicked up all of these memories and more. The good ones and the bad ones. And the bad ones, frankly, outweigh the good. There is a part of me that thinks these all need to get buried again. For good. And another part that thinks that I should try, again, to be friends with M. And if that leads to something more (for all I know, he’s got a gf) then…
Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to let this drama take over my blog for too many more posts. Talk about beating a dead horse.
Tags: drama, ex-boyfriend, Memories