Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Lists

On Fridays I usually almost always frequently do list posts.  You know, 7 Reasons I Like... or 5 Things Men Should Do….  I do them because they tend to be popular.

Today’s list(s) are going to be of an entirely different type.  Probably not as popular.

First, an update, it’s been about 48 hours since I received those emails from M (the one I posted and the second, more personal one).  I have not communicated with him in any way.  He is leaving it for me to contact him.  I know him well enough to know that, and he knows me well enough to know that that’s the smart thing to do.

I still have no idea what I’m going to do.  Really.  This isn’t about me drawing you into the story and dragging it out for as many days as I can.  I’m honestly and sincerely confused.

I spent some time on the phone with one of my best friends last night and I was almost hoping that he’d take a strong stand against my ever speaking to M again.  He’s done so in the past.  But this time, after hearing all the new details, he wasn’t in a rush to pass judment.  He was saying things like, “maybe it took him this long to realize what happened…”.  And when I asked him (my friend) if he thought that M was a good person, deep down. (This is important to me.  It’s probably something I’ll write about at another time.  But I do actually need the man I love – yes I just used the L word – to be a good person. At one time I was certain that M was a good person.  And then I was certain he wasn’t.)  He said yes.

My friend had two questions for me: 1)  Am I over M?  2) Do I want to be his friend?

I didn’t answer.

Which brings me to these lists.  My problem is that everything in relation to M is a memory.  I don’t really have active feelings for him (which I think means that I’m over him).  But when I remember - whoa. There is a flood of good and flood of bad .

I Remember (Good Memories)

  • I remember how easy it was to be with him.  I didn’t have to try to be anyone but myself.
  • I remember how supportive he was of me and my wishes/dreams/happiness.  I never would have taken my own writing seriously if it weren’t for him telling me I should/could to it.
  • I remember how how much fun we had together.
  • I remember how much effort he made to blend our two very different worlds together.
  • I remember how hard he tried to stay in touch with me while he was away.
  • I remember how safe I felt with him.  Even when it became clear to me that things were messy (that the “I’m moving to NYC in a few months” thing was not a sure thing).  There was something special about just being together, even if I had no idea what the future was going to bring.
  • And yes, the sex worked quite well, too.  I really do miss that.

I Remember (Bad Memories)

  • I remember the drastic shift in his personality and actions, how cold and indifferent he got.
  • I remember feeling pushed away.
  • I remember him telling me it was my imagination.
  • I remember crying in his arms because I’d just dropped everything to spend the weekend with him and the only time he even looked at me was when we were fucking.
  • I remember finding out that he had an active online dating profile, months into our relationship.
  • I remember him not being there for me when I really needed him.
  • I remember several attempts at “friendship” that failed because he dropped the ball.

It’s a lot. A lot to process. And like I said, these are not really active feelings. Sure, I miss the sex. But I wouldn’t be missing it if I were having great sex with someone else.

M has asked me if we can be friends.  That question has kicked up all of these memories and more.  The good ones and the bad ones.  And the bad ones, frankly, outweigh the good.  There is a part of me that thinks these all need to get buried again.  For good.  And another part that thinks that I should try, again, to be friends with M.  And if that leads to something more (for all I know, he’s got a gf) then…

Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to let this take over my blog for too many more posts.   Talk about beating a dead horse.


Tags: , ,

7 to “Lists”


  1. pansophy says:

    Make a list of all the guys that you have seen/dated/slept with that could contact you and it would not affect you one way or the other. Those are the guys you are over.

    M, you are not over. Not thinking about someone every day, not wanting to be with them, and “burying” your memories about them are not the same thing as being over them.

    It looks like the list above is a list about whether to contact him or not. It’s actually a list of all the reasons you are not over him, or said another way, why you are conflicted about whether you really want to be over him at all.

    There is still something unresolved about this for you, which is why him contacting you can send you into an emotional rollercoaster. What is that? That’s what you have to deal with if you want to be truly over M (or in some scenario try again with him).

    Once you can articulate that then you can decide whether you need contact with him or not.

  2. KateAnne says:

    If I can be rather selfish right now, I am glad you are sharing this part of your life. It’s insane how much it replicates mine right now, at least that list. I am not sure mine will ever get to the point where I am making that list, but its insane how close mine would be to yours.

    I am with pansophy though, you are not over him. I know the feelings you are having though. You are as over him as you will be though. I just wonder if your best friend isn’t right. You both might be in the right place now. Things change. But no matter what, be open to both roads.

  3. Stacina says:

    I have an ex like M, I’ve always kind of thought of him as my Mr. Big (until, that is, Carrie had to go and MARRY her Mr. Big!). Anyway, we’d done the revolving door thing for years and years until I realized the following:

    People change. It’s true, that *you* can’t change someone, but they can–AND WILL–change on their own. Maybe they’ll change for the better, maybe they’ll change for the worse. But they will not remain the person in your memories anymore than you remain the person who made those memories with them.

    I’m a list-maker, too, and I made lists and lists and lists with pros and cons, good memories/attributes and bad memories/attributes, but I couldn’t really find peace on the matter til I evaluated the person my Big had become against the person I had become AND the kinds of people I now wanted to surround myself with. He’s not a bad person, and I’m still cordial with him (we went to high school and college together, still have mutual friends, visit family in our hometown over holidays, etc.), but we’re just very different people now who–were we to meet now for the first time–probably would not be friends. So, despite the closeness we once shared, and the ease with which we can reignite our old chemistry, it’s always doomed to end up badly the second we stop romancing the past and start trying to connect as our present selves.

    It took me a lot of time and distance away from Big to get that kind of objective view of the situation, but it helped a lot. Thought maybe it would be helpful for you, too.

  4. LPS says:

    Once upon a time the love of my life was just like the list you described above on M. He was a brick wall to me emotionally and treated everyone else with mistrust. There were reasons for that. I never knew those reasons until much later. We had a roller-coaster on/off “thing” for several years. However, for some reason we couldn’t let eachother go. I decided if we’re going to be friends the sex part had to go. It was hard. But we had the best time. The chemistry was always there, and will always be there. But sex with him, I dunno, Simone, he couldn’t emote, and once he had that power sexually over me, he could be a bastard. I think there is a danger with sociopaths and sex. They can’t connect via sex so it’s always fucking to them and it distorts their image of the person; they lose respect. It makes them lash out because they know they are shit deep down so they try to drive the other person away, in contrast to the beginning of the relationship where they seem great, sparkly, and affectionate, as they are reeling the other person in. Everything feels like a test.

    The so-called “friendship” was wonderful. We spent a lot of time together. For the first time he opened up & I understood why he was the way he was. He treated me with respect. The balance of power shifted because I remained firm on the “no sex” rule. We’re in different countries now so I don’t see him. However, we finally had our time together. It sounds odd but somehow I think we healed eachother to a certain extent. He finally connected, and after him (it’s been nearly a year now) I’ve avoided any destructive relationships with men. I feel balanced and at peace. I got a sense of self worth back by saying no to him, discovering exactly why he is the way he is and understanding more about myself in the process. If you can say no to someone where the chemistry was mind-boggling (I couldn’t look at anyone else) then you can do anything. I’m a firm believer (now) that to have sex with someone, it shouldn’t be meaningless and both parties should be healthy emotionally.

    When I was with my M in the early days, I tossed caution to the wind and went on the rollercoaster ride of my life with him. It was the best of times and the worst of times. For me, the friendship days, were the ones that helped both of us: but you have to be so strong to do that. (A sane woman would never have got involved in the first place, but then if I missed my M time I wouldn’t understand men – or myself – as much as I do now. I learnt so much). Good luck!!!

  5. AF says:

    For what it’s worth I’d ask, have you TOTALLY forgiven him for all the bad things (or have they ceased to have any importance to you at all)? If not (again for what it’s worth) then I’d say, “thanks, but no thanks” and move on – life’s too short.

  6. Veka says:

    I don’t know about you, but my BGF (best guy friend) is almost always right. I take everything that he tells me to heart, because he’s always 100% objective. He will tell me like it is, even if it might hurt my feelings temporarily. He explains things from his perspective–from his guy perspective. If your BGF is anything like mine, take what he says to heart.

  7. Simone Grant says:

    Wow, have I really gone this long w/o responding to comments. Apologies everyone.
    -pansophy
    I cared more about M than anyone in many years. And he hurt me more MUCH more. In ways I don’t think I’ll ever be able to articulate here. And there will always be a part of me that reacts to the memory of that. Like a wound that can never completely heal. But now that that shock is over I can honestly say – I’m good. And I kinda don’t care what happens. So am I over him? *shrug*
    -KateAnne
    First, have I welcomed you to the blog yet? I’ve been so foggy brained lately. Welcome! And I’m glad you’re getting something from it. I always think there is value is reading the truth of other people’s lives, even when that truth is messy and ugly. And I am trying to be open to whatever happens. So we’ll see.
    -Stacina
    I appreciate you sharing your story. And there is a part of me that is 100% certain that nothing good can ever come from a relationship with M. I just don’t know. Or maybe I do know.
    -LPS
    If M and I are ever “friends” it will be in the loosest sense of the word. He is not in NYC. Well, he’s here for some time each year. Weeks, maybe months. And so any moving forward with contact with him is in that context. That very complicated context.
    -AF
    Life is too short. And I don’t have a clear yes or no (as I’ve been writing about). It’s one of those “it’s complicated” things.
    -Veka
    I feel the same way about my guy friends. Which is why I was kind of disappointed to hear that he was open to me speaking with M. It would have been easier, otherwise. Then again, life isn’t really meant to be easy.