Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Drama

A couple of things:

I haven’t bothered to delete the nasty comments from the last two posts, even though they clearly cross the line.  I also have no intention to correct the many factual errors made.  Here’s what I will do, point out for the nth time that I can’t imagine how sad, pathetic and empty a person’s life has got to be for them to spend time reading and leaving hateful comments on the blog of a person they clearly don’t respect.  Go get a life. You’re not wanted here.

In the future, I will return to my old way of dealing with comments, that is, deleting the nasty ones as soon as I see them and responding to the rest.  I have honestly just been too overwhelmed to do that these last few days.  Apologies.

Now, I’m sure there were more than a few people who wondered, “Why the fuck did she post that email?”.  I didn’t just paste it up right away.  I thought about it for a while and then called a couple of friends and asked for advice.  There were lots of reasons to not do it.  Lots.  Lots.  And only one reason to do it.

This is what I do.  I tell the truth about my life as it relates to dating, relationships, etc.  I don’t sugar-coat it.  I don’t leave out the bits where I humilate myself. I share it all. And so when I overreacted the other night (And yes, I know it was an overreaction, I’m not a nitwit) and got seething mad over M’s (I’m reverting to calling the evil ex, “M” as I did earlier in the blog) email and sent him a reply, thereby messing up the DTM rules I felt it was important to admit that here.  Because I fucked up.  It was a dumbass thing to do.  I wasn’t proud of it.  But it happened.  And I was willing to share that with you as a part of my truth.

Somehow I have a feeling that the majority of people reading have done something in their lives, in relation to dating/relationships, that they’re not proud of.  Or maybe not.  Maybe most of you are perfect?

When M sent me that email the next day, I was devastated.  In it he says things that, well, let’s just say his explanation of events and his feelings are news to me.  Just as I finished reading that email, I received a second one from him, saying more things that he’d never said.  More personal things.  The power of the two combined sent me into a temporary spiral/crying fit.  Pathetic.

If anyone had asked me last week if there was a chance, ANY CHANCE, that me and M would ever sit down in the same room and talk, I would have said, “hell no”.  And now, honestly, I’m not so sure.  There is this little voice inside of me saying, maybe the reason you haven’t met anyone who makes your heart sing is because…

And then my brain kicks in and says, no fucking way.  He’s manipulating you.  You’ve already given him plenty of chances to make things right with you.

Anyway, this is what’s going on with me.  This is my .  I should know better.  I do know better. But that doesn’t make it any easier.


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18 to “Drama”


  1. Lost Boy says:

    I guess you didn’t get the memo when you started your blog. Not everyone is going to agree with or like you. You tell YOUR truth. Not THE truth.

    Like writing a post about Mr. Nicepost and calling him out for lying about his age on his profile. Strange you’d do something that you had to know could sabotage that relationship given you knew he could read it. Then you act hurt when he decides to drop you like a bad habit, as if he did something wrong. If someone I had just had sex with wrote something like that about me, I’d have dumped their ass too.

    Admitting you screwed up doesn’t absolve you for screwing up. Especially when you keep screwing up. It’s only natural that people who read this blog begin to wonder if maybe there’s more to what you say than what you’re telling them.

  2. Simone Grant says:

    -Lost Boy
    I always assumed that people who didn’t like me would find better things to do with their time than read my blog and leave nasty comments. I know I certainly have better things to do with my time than write hateful comments on other people’s sites.
    You seem to have a lot and anger and resentment. What’s the deal? You don’t know me. Projecting a bit, I guess.
    I wasn’t hurt that Mr. Nicepost didn’t want to see me anymore, I was annoyed that he didn’t just come out and say it like a big boy. And I’m not being asked to be “absolved” of my sins. I’m just telling people what happened. What each individual person chooses to think and feel after that is beyond my control.

  3. dazediva says:

    I won’t make this person to anyone who has been leaving comments. I’m just gonna say what is on my mind.

    At the end of the day, Simone has kept her blog as honest and upfront as can be for a blog focused on the trials, tribunes, drama, suspense, and the fun side of relationships and dating. It doesn’t matter whether or not she has screwed up anywhere because that is what life is all about – no one is perfect and if anyone believes themselves to be – Please stand up and tell us all the secret to being perfect.

    Big deal if she posted the response from her ex on her blog. It’s HER way of dealing with things. I personally thought that it was very random of her ex to send her that email especially since all she said was WTF. He might have communication issues (which he clearly states) and maybe after all this time – he just had to say what he had to say.

    None of us are currently in Simone’s shoes so it is quite easy to pass judgement – but if you think back to the times that YOU have done something like respond to an ex only to be smacked back in the face with a response that you didn’t expect – it’s gonna cause some reaction and you’re bound to take it out in some way or form.

    The cyber blog world is about being able to share and discuss opinions, viewpoints and perspectives and NOT to IMPOSE them on someone else. There’s a simple policy I believe in : Don’t Judge Me and I Don’t Judge You – I accept you for who you are and vice versa. Those who have been ‘following’ Simone’s blog (whether it be for months, a year or only a few weeks) – they would understand where she’s coming from.

    For those who are just passing by and reading the last few posts – maybe it’s just too much for you too handle. And I’m sorry to say – what gives anyone of you the right to tell her that she is constantly screwing up ? Haven’t we all screwed up at some point or the other and just DENIED it because in OUR heads it’s not the truth ???

    We are all adults here – and there’s no need to point fingers at ANYONE.

    Simone – I really respect and look up to you for all the things that you have shared with the cyber world. It takes a lot of balls to really bare yourself out there. This is your space – your world – and you should continue to do as you please … In some tiny way – the things you share – could be and would be making an impact on someones life.

  4. Simone Grant says:

    Wow – holy typos. I seriously gotta pay more attention to what I’ve typed before hitting the post button.

    that should read, “And I’m not asking to be absolved of my sins.” Kinda funny, actually.

  5. erinkoro says:

    Simone, I’ll share something with you that someone wise once told me…

    There are things in life you cannot get around. You must go through them because your whole being forces you to. Trying to get around it is pointless because it just keeps getting in your way.

    Allow yourself permission to go through whatever you have to, even if people think you’re making a mistake or if you’ve already created a “rule” in your life about it. Give yourself a break – there are no rules in love at all.

    Reading your blog last night and today makes me want to give you a gigantic hug. We’ve all been there.

  6. Illona says:

    “I wasn’t hurt that Mr. Nicepost didn’t want to see me anymore, I was annoyed that he didn’t just come out and say it like a big boy.”

    Sorry Simone. Normally I disagree with a lot of what you say but I’m a little surprised you think he owed you that after you wrote what you wrote. I know guys who would have just faded out and never contacted you again after that. You revealed something about him that was private and that made him look bad. It’s hard to trust someone who would do that.

    You’ve been blogging long enough to know that the internet brings out all sorts of intense opinions. If you’re going to put yourself out there I think you need to expect that some people are going to say things you don’t want to hear.

  7. happsgirl says:

    i don’t understand why the issue here has become about you posting the email on your blog. it’s YOUR blog so you can post whatever the hell you want on it.
    seems to me that you’ve got a good old fashioned case of haunting going on here Simone. An ex-haunting that is. Don’t let his mind games get to you. Things are always so much rosier on email but it’s a double edged sword this emailing your feelings business. I say let it be.
    And as for the nasty comments…all press is good press ! chin up dearie! :)

  8. pansophy says:

    I left so much out of what I wanted to say in my comments on M’s post, as it seemed, well pointless given all the hateful preceding comments. Perhaps this is a better place for them…

    There is only one ex in my life that I can say I have ever truly felt hatred for. She can be vengeful, she lies, rarely is able to listen, and basically has to control everything when she’s upset. I also truly do love her, we just never could figure out how to live together and love each other the way the other needed. We both hurt each other a lot _ A LOT _ rarely on purpose, but the hurt is deep nonetheless and has stayed with both of us.

    My guess is that under other circumstances we would just never talk again, but we also have a wonderful 7 year old daughter together. When I get past all the reasons I ‘hate’ my ex, she really does have many amazing traits. But the point here is that we didn’t have a chance to simply walk away. We had to continue to deal with our crap with each other, like it or not.

    We do still fight and all the reasons that we can hate each other still rear their ugly head sometimes. But we are also closer than we ever have been and we’ve both grown a lot in the process of getting there.

    We can’t pick who affects us deeply and sometimes we can’t even explain why they do. If he’s ‘Evil Ex’ then he is in the room with you already, on every date, and in every blog entry you write whether you talk to him or not. Sometimes by trying to put the past behind us before its really done all we accomplish is making sure that it is always in the present.

    So my hope for both of you is that you find a way to put the past behind you. My personal bias is that is always easier to do with some kind of contact, so I hope you really consider that.

    One last tidbit assuming you do have some contact…trying to be ‘right’ about the past is a really good way to never find resolution. What happened is what happened, but how you both interpret what happened is up to you. So choose an interpretation that empowers you both rather than tries to blame the other for wrong doings.

  9. jenmata says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this and having to deal with mean, nasty commenters along the way. I agree they should go get a life somewhere else, far away from your blog or anyone else’s for that matter.
    I don’t know you, I just read your blog, but for some reason it all makes sense to me now. I’ve also been dealing with a bad break-up ex reappearing, and after reading what M wrote to you, I could only think, well at least he sincerely apologized for it and is showing remorse, that’s big in my book. Whatever you decide to do in his regard, wherever this takes you, I wish you the best in your next steps. Hugs.

  10. Simone Grant says:

    -dazediva
    Thank you, as always, for your support and understanding. It means so much to me that I have readers who appreciate the efforts I make here to share my experience. Sometimes I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation. If I say too much, people get mad. If I say too little, people get mad. So I focus on being as open and honest as I can because I know there are people who have my back.
    -erinkoro
    I’ve been thinking a lot about what you wrote. This is so hard for me specifically because I do have to go through it. Again. And I have absolutely no idea how it’s going to turn out. I’m usually pretty comfortable with uncertainty, but this time it’s making me a little sick.
    -Illona
    I’m cool with disagreement. If people want to disagree with me in a civil tone (as you did, fine). What I won’t tolerate on my blog, nor do I think I should have to (or anyone should have to) is being insulted, etc. It doesn’t take a genius to recognize the difference between disagreement and hate-filled insults. As to that nonsense with Mr. Nicepost — I revealed that he lied. That he lied but that I liked him enough to go out with him anyway. BIG DEAL. The fact is he lied. If he hadn’t lied it wouldn’t have been an issue. He knew I was a dating blogger and he could have asked me not to write about him. I would have readily complied. I chose not to write about anything that was actually embarrassing or overly personal, as I do with all of the men I date.
    -happsgirl
    I’ve been told the all press is good press by a good many people, but I don’t believe it. My daily hits don’t go up on the days when people decide to bombard me with insults (which btw, all seem to come from a few IPs_). And I end up having to waste a lot of time dealing with it. I’d just rather have a pleasant blog for the people who want to read me. Who enjoy it. The haters can go %&# themselves. And yes, it’s rather like a haunting. But in this case I’m still not sure how I want to deal with the ghost.
    -pansophy
    For what it’s worth (not much) I spent most of the year and 1/2 after our breakup trying to find ways to be friends with him. Not right away. First I needed time to get my head together. But then I spent a lot of time trying to build a friendship with him – which is what he said he wanted. That’s how he earned the nickname the evil ex. He was very not nice to me during that period. He was cruel, in fact. Repeatedly. And he knows that.
    It’s not about right and wrong. It never was. But I’ve been this man 6 or 7 second chances. I don’t know if I have it in me to give him another one. I don’t know if there’s any trust left there.
    -jenmata
    Thanks sweetie. The mean commenters add an extra special dash of ick to an already painful situation, but I’m sure I’ll grow from it. Yes, he sincerely apologized. This is the first time, btw. If this happened a year ago, 18 months… Well, my response would be so different. And so I’m very confused. The next few days should be interesting.

  11. Hypersingle says:

    Dear Simone,

    It’s nice to see your passionate side come out. Sometimes the sufferings in this life harden our hearts a little more each time. The email from M (for some reason I picture the old british guy in the James Bond flicks) seems less about how he feels about you than defending his mistakes. “Look everybody, I’m not a bad guy, just misunderstood”. Neglect can do as much harm as intentional actions. I’m sure he is as passionate about you as you are about him. Has he changed? Maybe, that can only come from within. I wonder if some event in his life recently triggered his reaching out to you. Some men reach out when they are hurt and then revert to the old ways when things settle down. Ultimately, many of the greatest things in life can involve risk, pain, and stress. But they can also lead to the greatest rewards, joy, and deep fulfillment. Don’t let fear hide these things from you. One thing is certain, M has some epic wooing in his future if he wants to be a part of your life.

    PS don’t let the bloodsucking gnats (trolls) bother you, just splatter them with the delete button

  12. LPS says:

    Hey Simone, I’ve been reading about the drama here. Shame. You can post what you want. I totally get the whole “truth of my life” thing here. On the comments aspect, it’s easy to get excited with these dramatic entries, lots of intrigue going on, a lot of heated opinions. People just get MAD and hit the keyboard typing out stuff, which I don’t think they would say, quite, as categorically in person. Comments make people braver than they would be, which is human nature and it’s very difficult to take a breather and come back to the keyboard later. If someone leaves something hateful or uncivil, it means you’ve hit a nerve. You’ve reminded them of themselves, perhaps in the past, or they recognize something that irritates them about someone they know, all that. I’m sure they are all very nice people in person, and the reason they come back to reading your blog is because you write well, there’s a lot of drama going on and you have the flair for intrigue. I notice you’ll post what you feel, but you won’t write everything. You’ll add it to it later in another post after we’ve left our comments, so you’re always a step ahead of us. I can see it will irritate some people but I quite like it. It’s the novelist in you! Or the writer for a hit tv drama series in you? This was why I didn’t comment yesterday when M’s post. I wanted to see what today’s would bring.

    On the subject of Evil Ex/M: He sounded like a little drama queen. I didn’t see a hint of an apology anywhere from him. It was the spoilt, little boy tone of “it was so complicated” and he didn’t know how to handle things. It sounds to me like he led you on. He might still be leading you on. I don’t know. If he wants to make things right between you both he should apologise properly. That post was not an apology. From what you said in this post’s comments, it sounds like you were more than fair to him, for a long time, offering to be friends and he threw that back in your face.

    If he’s any sort of decent guy he should be profoundly sorry for mistreating you, figure out why he did that, what was in him that was so broken he couldn’t accept love and compassion from another human being who cared about him? A divorce? Heart break? Big deal. We’ve all been through that and I do realize a lot of people have difficulty bouncing back, but from his post I didn’t get any real sense of remorse. It sounds like he misses the sex, to be honest. Intense attraction can be mistaken for love and intense attraction to another person can prevail for many years, which is why it can be mistaken for love.

    But if the love is genuinely there and there are real feelings, not just projected sexual feelings masquerading as love, then you guys will make it work. There’s nothing to stop you both. You’ve had a break from each other, it sounds like you both miss having that connection, and if he’s had time to heal himself and is willing to make an effort to make things right, then why not?

    If it’s simply friendship he’s offering…I dunno Simone. Is it going to add that much value to your life? Or is he just missing your attention, your muse-like qualities for his creativity, the way you supported him emotionally and challenged him intellectually? If it’s that, AND you don’t get an equal friendship back in return, then really make him dead to you. It’s not worth your time and effort. That’s my humble, personal opinion, and I am fully aware I could be making sweeping, unfair judgements on M and yourself, but this is what I’ve gleaned from the recent posts.

  13. Simone Grant says:

    -LPS
    I’m afraid you give me too much credit. I am very concerned with pacing and length (I hate long posts, or slow and/or erratic posts) but usually I just write about what I think and feel about a topic on a given day. If I add more the next day it’s usually because I’ve thought about it some more or something new has happened :-)
    I’ve never really thought of M as a drama queen (which doesn’t mean he’s not) but I do think he’s pathologically incapable of apologizing. We all have our faults and that is one of his biggest. I guess that’s why I was so blown away by his emails. I never expected so much from him. I’ve called him a sociopath on the blog and I wasn’t just throwing that word around – I meant the textbook definition. He has no sense of empathy (and I am not the first person to tell him that). Anyway, I don’t have answers to your questions. I wish I did. I really, really do.

  14. Simone Grant says:

    - Hypersingle
    Oops, didn’t mean to ignore you. Sorry I got out of order.
    You are SO right, neglect can do as much harm as intentional actions. And I think that M didn’t understand that. He just stood behind, “I didn’t mean to” and used that as his defense. And things can only move forward with us (as friends, as anything) if he can understand that for the future.

  15. Quirkily Dense says:

    Keep writing Simone. Some people will always be vultures because they have no other way to inflate themselves besides putting others down. We all have our faults and anyone who doesn’t think so is deluding themselves. I enjoy the candidness of your blog, your willingness to show your life in both the good and bad, and your ability to accept the critical (as opposed to insulting) posts. Keep working on whatever personal projects you have going and don’t let the length of time dissuade you. Whoever that criticized you for talking about it but not showing it seems to have farrrrr more free time then the rest of us.

  16. LPS says:

    Thanks for the reply back! I didn’t give you too much credit, I promise! I think you’re style is fab, and actually I love the long posts. But that’s me. I’m a very wordy girl. Hmmm…M…sociopath. Oh dear. I know people with no sense of empathy. They are an interesting breed psychologically and yes, an absolute nightmare to get involved with. I would’ve been blown away in your shoes. Something happened in his past that stopped him growing emotionally as a human being is my only answer. They take pleasure in inflicting pain on someone else. Sometimes a person is so messed up and they meet someone who loves them anyway and eventually they heal. But ugh…it’s a hard slog. I wouldn’t wish it anyone. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Maybe M is reading the posts and has assimilated some food for thought, without getting defensive? Miracles can happen?
    And yes, your blog is great! :) Love it! (I don’t care if I sound gushy…all the comments – good & bad – on the posts speak for themselves. People are reading, thinking and not afraid to comment! Awesome!)

  17. Singetude says:

    I want to second what LPS said about sociopaths and add that if M. is truly a sociopath, well, sociopaths don’t change. That’s part of what makes them sociopaths. They’re not capable of it. At least not without years and years of therapy, and most of them won’t stay in therapy for that long, or, if they do, they’re conning the therapist.

    I’m not in any position to say whether M. is a sociopath. But IF he is, I don’t see how he could ever make a good friend, lover, or anything else. A true sociopath is very skilled at pretending to have “changed” but can never make that act a reality in the long-term.

    I spent years trying to “help” a sociopath, one who knew there was something wrong with him and went through periods during which he desperately wanted to change…or claimed he did. I wanted to believe he could be the exception to the rule. But, in the end, he didn’t change, and I decided enough was enough.

    Again, maybe M. isn’t a sociopath. That’s not for me to say. But I hate to think of anyone else going through what I did, returning again and again for another emotional beating and losing a part of themselves every time. If you really believe he has a personality disorder, please think very, very carefully (with your head more than your heart) before you let him back in your life.

  18. Simone Grant says:

    -Quirkily Dense
    Thanks so much. As you can imagine, this has been hard for me. I know I’m supposed to laugh off the negative comments, but I haven’t learned how to do that yet. They do actually hurt. I know they shouldn’t (for all the smart reasons you mentioned). But they do. Maybe one day.
    -LPS
    First, thank you for the huge ego boost. Much needed right now (some days are just icky). And it is a hard slog. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone either.
    -Singetude
    I wish I knew the answer. I wish there was a way for me to know. M and I have been doing this dance for a while now. And I’ve already been stopped on quite a bit. For now, I’m just staying out of his way. If he wants to show me how much he’s changed, he’s going to have to do it from a (emotional) distance.