Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Aw Hell, I’m Just Going to Tell You the Story. Screw the Consequences.

So last night started out with a quick, cheap, yummy local working dinner with Lostplum (I am blessed to live within 5 blocks of a dozen amazing, low-price restaurants and so don’t feel too guilty about going every once and while – even though I probably should). We are now officially “working together”. More news on that soon.

Then we went to my apartment and did some more work, involving computers and brainstorming. A couple of hours of it. And then we had to rush downtown for a play/reading. Which was fun and good and one of those other things that I feel blessed to be able to do. We live in NYC. We have great food and theater. We should take advantage of this stuff, right?

And then after that there was actually more work related stuff. Really. I promise to tell you all about it just as soon as we’re ready to launch it all. I can tell you that it’s all very cool and fun and smart. I mean, come on, how could it not be?

Our last stop brought us within blocks of Bar Jamon, one of my favorite places (one of those places that I’m drawn to like a moth to a flame, I usually stop in if I’m nearby). It was probably around 11pm and we’d eaten an early, light dinner, so the both of us were hungry.  We decided to stop in for a late night snack.

We were having a really lovely night.  We talked a little business, but also just kind of chilled out and talked about personal stuff.  And at one point we talking about the post I did about not being able to meditate and insomnia and I said that what I kinda really wanted to write about, also, but didn’t was that one of the reasons for my current is that I really sleep better with someone.  With a partner.  And that it’s been 10 months now since I’ve had someone to sleep with, even on an irregular basis (This is very different, mind you, than having sex.  I just had sex a few weeks ago. “Sleep with” means sleep with.  I don’t do euphemisms for sex.) and that that’s one of the longest stretches I’ve had in, well, a really, really long time.  I’ll let her share her “sleeping with” opinions on her blog.

And then we talked a little about the dynamics of sleeping with a boyfriend.  How much it sucks when you’re stuck with a snorer.  And we both told random funny stories. And then I mentioned to her that I had what I thought was a weird situation with an ex.  Long after we broke up, he mentioned several times that he believed we were meant to be in each other’s lives and as far I could tell he was basing that belief on nothing but the fact that we fit together perfectly when we slept (it couldn’t be that he actually cared about me as a human being, because people are good to the people they care about…).  And I did agree with him.  Never in my whole life had I ever felt so safe or comfortable.  We were a perfect fit.  But then the relationship went to shit and who wants to cuddle all night with someone they don’t trust anymore?

Anyway, I’m not joking.  On the few occasions when I tried to speak with him, tried t do the “let’s be friends” thing he kept bringing up the sleeping thing.  As if it were meaningful.

But he’s been Dead to Me for a while.  At least I’ve been working on it.  He pops up every few months and I try to ignore him.  Sometimes I end up cursing him out, because I haven’t quite mastered the art of ignoring people.  And because he really deserves to be cursed out.  Trust me.

So last night Lostplum and I were enjoying our wine and tapas.  We were having fun.  Before we knew it it was 1am and seriously time for us to get going.  She went to the ladies room and I took the opportunity to check my email.  The first message was from one of my best friends and so I opened it right away without even paying attention to the other messages.  And then I realized, as I was reading the email, that the next email was from the Evil Ex I’d just been talking about 30 minutes earler.  It was like he heard me utter his name from wherever in the world he is (And I have no idea where that is, nor do I care.  I make no effort to keep up with his life via social media, etc.  He is blocked from my Twitter stream although he knows about his blog and may very well subscribe in which case...) and thought, AHA.

Or maybe it was just time and a bizarre coincidence.  It’s been a few months.

I told Lostplum about it and she and I agreed that I would absolutely ignore it.  But I was seething.  It’s been so long now.  And I feel like, since I’ve told him so many times that I don’t want him in my life, that he has no right to contact me.  For anything.  Other than to ask me to forgive him (which he could never sincerely do since he’s a sociopath).  Or to give me some important news (like if he were diagnosed with some contagious disease that he could’ve given to me).

I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned it before, but I have a nasty temper.  I very rarely lose it.  Because I’m a pretty open person and am willing to put up with a lot, but once I lose it, I LOSE IT.  I lost it last night.  Lostplum is a good friend and she walked with me for over an hour.  Yes, for you non-New Yorkers, it’s perfectly safe for 2 women to walk the streets of Manhattan at 2am.  At least it is in the neighborhoods we were in.  And the walk helped.  Kind of.

But then I got home and went to delete the message from my laptop.  And I did delete it.  And then I went to bed and lied there tossing and turning for about 20 minutes before I got up and turned the laptop back on and looked at the message again (taking it from the trash).  And then I started to write a reply.  A ranty, crazy, I’ve lost my shit and had a couple glasses of wine reply.  And then I deleted it and paced the apartment floor for a while.  And then I typed the following message and hit send:


And no, I didn’t sleep last night.   So please forgive me if this is the most incoherent blog post ever.

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12 to “Aw Hell, I’m Just Going to Tell You the Story. Screw the Consequences.”

  1. TerrySimpson says:

    We all have our shares of evil ex types. We have those who were in our lives and we overlooked events that were warning signs. These types live off drama– they want to incite us- they want to have a stage, they want to have a forum– they are not happy to be content, to leave well enough alone.
    For these people– WTF is appropriate, and well stated.
    They want to push your button, they want you to respond, reply, get mad– they want to have that power over you– they want to play you.
    They will be outrageous- they will be dead wrong, and they will challenge you to reply to them.
    You replied.
    You are done.
    Move forward.
    The time a person feels most alone is when they are with someone.

  2. AoC Johnny says:

    HMM? You know that by being reactive to the e-mails and his texts he knows there is still a chance between you two right?

  3. Catherinette says:

    It sucks that they can still have an effect on us after so long? Why can’t they just freaking leave us alone and get on with our lives?

    Or at least get fat and bald…?

  4. teresa melo says:

    I totally can relate to that, I totally feel every word you said/wrote! It’s amazing the nerves some people have! I have found TerrySimpson’s comment to be quite a good answer to this…

  5. JillL says:

    When they’re dead to you, you have to keep them dead to you. Hang in there and follow that initial instinct, even when you want to tear him a new one. It only encourages them when they know they get to you.

  6. LoneStar60 says:

    Or, since this has dragged on for so long, you could always “overreact” and tell him to “go F himself” and leave you alone. Then after that you stop with the answering e-mails (you do realize you can block incoming e-mails from him, right?) and block his phone calls and so on. Make the DTM thing a reality.

    I mean, if it really bothers you that much, put a stop to it already! :-)

    (BTW, reading through the various links, etc., that you posted, I’d say the guy is still lying to both you and himself. My father was a very smart man in a lot of ways, and he once told me — “You can lie to me, you can lie to your friends, you can lie to a preacher, whatever you want; but when you start lying to yourself, or worse, believing your own lies, you are in REALLY big trouble!” And Dad was right, too.)

  7. Swt8ngl says:

    I have been where you are, the ex that I dated who mind you I found out was cheating on me came across country and decided to tell me he was in town over a text message. I waited 5 hours to respond during which I went on a mad rage and literally tried to supress my anger and then I finally responded by saying “Ok” and was left thinking is this type of behavior normal?

    However the real issue is that for some unknown reason he wants to manipulate you through an evasive form of communication hoping you might somehow decide to communicate with him further, via phone or something else where he can have direct contact. I would bet that if this guy has the same issues that my ex has then he probably is just “taking your temperature” meaning, he is just trying to see how you might react.

    Don’t change your attitude if you feel he is manipulating you, because your instincts are usually right.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Not to be cruel here, but how are you in a position to be looking down your nose at this guy? I don’t know what you do for a living or how you get by, but from reading your blog for just a couple weeks and taking the time to read archives, you don’t exactly sound like the happiest or most settled person in the world. It appears you’re 40, marginally employed, not all that financially secure, with a history of failed dates and relationships that implode before they ever get off the ground. Aren’t you needy and clingy? Haven’t you done your own damage to relationships by behaving that way? Don’t you tell people you’re a writer when you mostly just write a blog?

    There’s a great saying out there that my Mother always uses.

    “Water seeks its own level.”

    He keeps contacting you because he knows/thinks you’re alike.

  9. rato_lets says:

    Ummm Anonymous, do you happen to be the crazy ex that Simone is talking about? Because you sound incredibly angry for someone who’s just commenting. If you’re not the crazy ex (or even if you are) I’d suggest you move your self along to another blog. This place is clearly not meant for the likes of you.

  10. Anonymous says:

    If you’re in the habit or publicly airing people’s shortcomings, you should do so expecting to have your own pointed out. Anon asked a valid question. How is Simone any different from DTM guy?

  11. shabel says:

    There’s always that one guy (or two) who can make you/us feel so angry when they pop back into your life in some way or other. You might be a lil not over him. Just sayin’.

  12. Vendetta says:

    I swear, I keep reading your blogs and I swear we are the same person living parallel lives in different cities. I read something and think “that JUST happened to me like 3 months ago!” But I love your writing and honesty. Keep up the good work.