So last night started out with a quick, cheap, yummy local working dinner with Lostplum (I am blessed to live within 5 blocks of a dozen amazing, low-price restaurants and so don’t feel too guilty about going every once and while – even though I probably should). We are now officially “working together”. More news on that soon.
Then we went to my apartment and did some more work, involving computers and brainstorming. A couple of hours of it. And then we had to rush downtown for a play/reading. Which was fun and good and one of those other things that I feel blessed to be able to do. We live in NYC. We have great food and theater. We should take advantage of this stuff, right?
And then after that there was actually more work related stuff. Really. I promise to tell you all about it just as soon as we’re ready to launch it all. I can tell you that it’s all very cool and fun and smart. I mean, come on, how could it not be?
Our last stop brought us within blocks of Bar Jamon, one of my favorite places (one of those places that I’m drawn to like a moth to a flame, I usually stop in if I’m nearby). It was probably around 11pm and we’d eaten an early, light dinner, so the both of us were hungry. We decided to stop in for a late night snack.
We were having a really lovely night. We talked a little business, but also just kind of chilled out and talked about personal stuff. And at one point we talking about the post I did about not being able to meditate and insomnia and I said that what I kinda really wanted to write about, also, but didn’t was that one of the reasons for my current insomnia is that I really sleep better with someone. With a partner. And that it’s been 10 months now since I’ve had someone to sleep with, even on an irregular basis (This is very different, mind you, than having sex. I just had sex a few weeks ago. “Sleep with” means sleep with. I don’t do euphemisms for sex.) and that that’s one of the longest stretches I’ve had in, well, a really, really long time. I’ll let her share her “sleeping with” opinions on her blog.
And then we talked a little about the dynamics of sleeping with a boyfriend. How much it sucks when you’re stuck with a snorer. And we both told random funny stories. And then I mentioned to her that I had what I thought was a weird situation with an ex. Long after we broke up, he mentioned several times that he believed we were meant to be in each other’s lives and as far I could tell he was basing that belief on nothing but the fact that we fit together perfectly when we slept (it couldn’t be that he actually cared about me as a human being, because people are good to the people they care about…). And I did agree with him. Never in my whole life had I ever felt so safe or comfortable. We were a perfect fit. But then the relationship went to shit and who wants to cuddle all night with someone they don’t trust anymore?
Anyway, I’m not joking. On the few occasions when I tried to speak with him, tried t do the “let’s be friends” thing he kept bringing up the sleeping thing. As if it were meaningful.
But he’s been Dead to Me for a while. At least I’ve been working on it. He pops up every few months and I try to ignore him. Sometimes I end up cursing him out, because I haven’t quite mastered the art of ignoring people. And because he really deserves to be cursed out. Trust me.
So last night Lostplum and I were enjoying our wine and tapas. We were having fun. Before we knew it it was 1am and seriously time for us to get going. She went to the ladies room and I took the opportunity to check my email. The first message was from one of my best friends and so I opened it right away without even paying attention to the other messages. And then I realized, as I was reading the email, that the next email was from the Evil Ex I’d just been talking about 30 minutes earler. It was like he heard me utter his name from wherever in the world he is (And I have no idea where that is, nor do I care. I make no effort to keep up with his life via social media, etc. He is blocked from my Twitter stream although he knows about his blog and may very well subscribe in which case...) and thought, AHA.
Or maybe it was just time and a bizarre coincidence. It’s been a few months.
I told Lostplum about it and she and I agreed that I would absolutely ignore it. But I was seething. It’s been so long now. And I feel like, since I’ve told him so many times that I don’t want him in my life, that he has no right to contact me. For anything. Other than to ask me to forgive him (which he could never sincerely do since he’s a sociopath). Or to give me some important news (like if he were diagnosed with some contagious disease that he could’ve given to me).
I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned it before, but I have a nasty temper. I very rarely lose it. Because I’m a pretty open person and am willing to put up with a lot, but once I lose it, I LOSE IT. I lost it last night. Lostplum is a good friend and she walked with me for over an hour. Yes, for you non-New Yorkers, it’s perfectly safe for 2 women to walk the streets of Manhattan at 2am. At least it is in the neighborhoods we were in. And the walk helped. Kind of.
But then I got home and went to delete the message from my laptop. And I did delete it. And then I went to bed and lied there tossing and turning for about 20 minutes before I got up and turned the laptop back on and looked at the message again (taking it from the trash). And then I started to write a reply. A ranty, crazy, I’ve lost my shit and had a couple glasses of wine reply. And then I deleted it and paced the apartment floor for a while. And then I typed the following message and hit send:
And no, I didn’t sleep last night. So please forgive me if this is the most incoherent blog post ever.
Tags: bad ex-boyfriend, Dead to Me, exes, insomnia, WTF