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In Praise of Sober Sex

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m SO late to this party.  It’s kinda sad.  Even for me.  I’ve been suppressing the urge to write about the “women need to get to have ” study since I first read about it 10 days ago.   I can hold it in no longer.  But I’ll get to that and why, later.

First, the topic at hand, just in case you don’t know about the study in question.  I first read about it in Broadsheet.  Femfresh, a feminine hygiene product did a survey of 3000 women aged 18-50 and found that, among other things, “Seventy-five percent said that they prefer having sex with their partners after drinking, and one woman in 20 said she’d never done it ”.

Now, let’s ignore the potential flaws in the survey as many others have picked it to shreds.  Let’s just suppose that within this data there is an essense of truth – many women routinely have sex under the influence of alcohol (I’m not going to get into why, again, lots of others have written about that in the last 10 days).   I don’t think anyone would disagree with that basic truth.  It might not be the majority, might not be 75%, but there are certainly many.

So what?  As long as we’re talking about consenting adults, right?

Exactly.

But here’s the thing, I actually prefer to have sex sober.  It’s kind of a big deal for me.  I will, on occasion, get drunk and have sex because I’m (and this is much more likely to happen if I haven’t been getting any on a regular basis).  But my preference is to be sober.  Completely sober.

Which is why I was so excited, last night, to read the really smart post in by avflox called Drunk on You:  Alcohol Disinhibits But at Cost? She and I are coming at this from slightly different places (slightly) but I think she does a brilliant job of writing about why she prefers sex sober.  My favorite line, “I want to feel everything. And I want to remember it.”

Kind of relevant to this is something I wrote a while back, about how I don’t actually like to date guys who drink a lot. At the time I left the topic of sex off the table.  But that’s a big part of it, too.  I prefer sex sober.  And I prefer for us both to be sober.  A glass of wine, or two, OK.  But drunk, no.  The best sex of my life has all been sober (not that I would remember the drunken sex, because when I used to drink more, I used to DRINK MORE).

Anyway, I just thought it was time to add my little voice to the conversation.  One more vote for awesome sober sex.


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6 to “In Praise of Sober Sex”


  1. OpinionatedGift says:

    I’ve always hated drunk sex, never saw the point. Just like you said, a glass of wine, yes. That’s good…Drunk? useless on so many levels.

  2. Jennifer-in-NY says:

    I’ve had sex drunk once, with my current boyfriend, and it was terrible. *shrug* I’ve never really had much of an interest in drinking (I’m 20, so for my age group this is particularly unusual, also note I was in England at the time so the drinking was legal) and I’ve always been wary of ‘doing stuff’ while not sober. Maybe under different circumstances (that didn’t lead to crying and abruptly stopping) it would have been ok but as it is I have no desire to do it again.

    I guess I’ve just always felt that if I’m more comfortable with something while under the influence of alcohol then there is something real making me uncomfortable. And if that thing is just insecurity then I should be self aware enough to realize that and push through it on my own. If it’s something else, something that makes me feel unsure or unsafe, I want to feel that rather than suppress it. I’m not saying that people who drink are automatically unsafe or do things they shouldn’t. But for me sex is important enough for me to want to be entirely there when I’m having it.

  3. shabel says:

    agreed! What’s the point of it if you’re not gonna rememer it?
    My now-ex came on to me once while he was drunk. It was so lame. Didn’t turn me on at all.

  4. drumdance says:

    FWIW I’ve had awesome sex while drinking. I can think of one night in particular where both of us had had a fair amount of champagne and got pretty adventurous.

  5. dazediva says:

    I’m all for sober sex … Drunken sex is just that … drunken … you don’t always remember what happened or things that you / partner have said … its not the best feeling …. Mind you, every now and then if you are with your partner, and a night out leads to drunken sex – it can be fun – but it shouldn’t be the basis for having sex.

    Some of my best moments over the years have been whilst sober =) It’s a complete turn off to be kissing someone who reeks of alcohol – and that tends to happen when one gets drunk !

  6. Simone Grant says:

    Sorry everyone, I kinda checked out of comments for a few days there.