Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Can Admit When I’m Wrong

I admit it.  There’s a pretty good chance that I’ve been wrong.  For a while.  That I’ve been making some bad decisions.  Over and over.

Gee, what a surprise.

Back when I was saying that it didn’t matter that so many men lied on their online profiles about their height, weight and/or age.  That it didn’t matter to me.  Didn’t affect whether or not I liked a guy.  I was looking at it all wrong.  It didn’t matter to me in the past.  But it should.

Let me back up here and explain where all of this is coming from.  One of the projects I’m working on had me looking through hundreds of online profiles over the weekend.  Maybe thousands  Not for myself.  Just looking at them to pick out some good ones (I’ll tell you more about that project later in the week).  Anyway, I was spotting liars all over the place (men and women).  It’s just really easy for me to look at a picture, read a profile and know with a high degree of certainty whether someone is being truthful about their age (and some other things, too).

And I’ve been able to do this for a while now.  It’s a skill I’ve developed over the last few years.  So when I accepted an invitation to go out with Mr. Nicepost, I knew that he’d lied to me about his age.  And I wrote it off with, “lots of guys lie about stuff like that and I’m cool with it”.

Well, I was taking a long walk over the weekend and doing some thinking.  About all the men I’ve dated over the last few years who lied on their profiles and how those relationships, or non-relationships went.  Mr. “I never lied to you, I am divorced, from my from first wife” had lied about his age.  And I knew it before we even met.  He used an old picture and claimed to be only 40, but there was no way that everything he’d told me about himself could’ve been true if he was only 40.  Yeah, that worked out well.

And my entire relationship with evil ex-boyfriend was based on lies he told before we even met.

Whereas, the one guy who stands out as being the most honest, most decent guy I’ve ever met online, or IRL, had a 100% truthful profile.  He told the truth about his age, which was a little old for me when we first met.  But he sent me a little note saying that he was interested, and that he hoped I could overlook the fact that he was a bit outside my age range.  I read his profile and developed an immediate crush on him.  Our relationship didn’t work out, we just don’t fit each other romantically, but now he’s one of my best friends.

And I’m out there, telling my true age.  Even though I know that a lot of guys put me in the “” camp.  I’m not willing to compromise my integrity so that more guys will want to ask me out.  I’m just not.

OK, I’m rambling.  I know I’m rambling.  I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve been wrong in the past.  Honesty matters.  At least it should.  And that from now on, when I see a guy who looks interesting but who is obviously on his profile, I’m just going to say no.  I’m better than that.

Tags: , , , ,

14 to “I Can Admit When I’m Wrong”

  1. Jimmy Rice says:

    Hmm, here’s what my dating website profile says…not a fib to be seen:
    “Don’t message if you’re not prepared to lie about how we met. You must also be willing to tolerate and even love my depressed and often jealous cat Mildred. You’re probably already convinced, but if not, here’s some other pertinent information: I make a mean lasagne, and my tea is to a professional standard; I don’t have any physical deformities unless you count small nipples; and I am willing to try anything once – except incest and morris dancing.”

  2. pansophy says:

    Honesty rules.

    I’m not a liar, but I have omitted information that would be considered important information to the other person. Somehow I get caught up thinking that this helps me in the moment, or keeps another person from getting mad or frustrated with me. But in the end I’ve have to deal with it anyway and I’ve have to deal with it while the person is questioning my trustworthiness.

    Sort of a losing plan.

    This is why I thought you telling Mr. Nicepost about the blog was such a huge success. If one is serious about finding a true partner, which I know you are, then one can’t start that relationship out with lies/omissions (obviously there is a window of time where such information is devulged).

    So yeah I totally support you using your skill to find people that lie on their profiles to filter them out rather than deciding to date them on the ‘real’ information you are able to deduce. Actually, you could probably start a very successful business with that talent.

  3. snarkygurl says:

    My soon-to-be ex-husband lied about his age (we met on a telephone chat line 14 years ago – before internet dating was sooo big) and it took him about 6 months to tell me – even though I knew after the second ‘date’. When he went into the shower I checked his wallet… lol

    I checked because I knew he was lying. And I knew he didn’t know how to tell me so he sweated it out for about 6 months. I didn’t think it was such a big deal because when we first met he didn’t know we were going to get serious (I told myself). I figured it was a dumb mistake and then he couldn’t figure out how to fix it. It was a significant lie as he said he was 29 but was really 38. I was 23.

    It turns out i should have run the other way. He has continued to lie about other things…

    I hope I have learned and I am totally honest and upfront in my profile – and I expect the same. No chances.

    A little jaded? Maybe…. Live and learn.

  4. pups4me says:

    I remember your post about Mr. Nicepost lying about his age, and I remember my comment, because I have a difficult time with lies in profiles. Your post made me consider for a moment, that maybe it was ok…and maybe I was being too hard on others. But it was only for a moment, because I realized I deserve someone that is honest, and so do you :)

  5. Hedonalia says:

    Never lying is like a religion to me. Though I don’t believe in God, I believe in the power of information, and the power of bad information. False information is like a virus which can knock around for a long time before it finds a place to flourish and infect everything.

    Withhold information, sure, as long as I honestly answer questions, and don’t deny that I am applying my right not to say everything. But never lie. Forcing oneself to be completely truthful is liberating, empowering, and gets you to live in and deal with your reality. It’s better to get it out there and deal with the fallout than avoid it all. It’s a better life to live.

  6. onedatewonder says:

    The right guy is better than that too. Honest. :)

  7. Simone Grant says:

    First a couple of welcomes to snarkygurl and Hedonalia. I’m glad you joined us.
    -Jimmy Rice
    LOL, where does that line about incest and Morris dancing come from? I feel like I’ve heard it before.
    For now I’ll settle for using my special powers for my own benefit :-)
    You don’t sound jaded at all. Just like a woman who’s lived and learned. Big difference.
    Yeah, lesson learned.
    I’m with you on that. I can’t imagine fibbing/lying about my age and then having to go back and tell people the truth. The truth is so much more freeing.
    I would hope so!

  8. drumdance says:

    I had to break up with my still-new girlfriend tonight essentially because I lied. Her profile had said she’s looking for someone who is ready to settle down, get married and have children. While I’m open to that, I also am recently divorced and am still very much in exploratory mode. Knowing that, I should never have contacted her in the first place. But I did, there was chemistry and we spent a lot of time together the last few weeks.

    I really like her, but I don’t think I’ll fall in love with her, and even if I did I know I’d be wondering “What if…” So I broke up with her tonight. To continue seeing here would be almost cruel.

  9. WitlessFool says:

    I’ve never seen the point of lying. Unless it’s a white lie, almost all lies are going to come back and bite you in the bum. It’s just fact of life.

  10. shabel says:

    I don’t know about age, but there was this guy I met who lied about his NATIONALITY. wtf was that all about? Geeez.

    (and there’s something wrong with me, i couldn’t figure out what your header was depicting within the first minute. Must be the heat here.)

  11. Saucy Online Dating says:

    I think that the honesty is very important, in real life and also in the internet. If you lie do not espect that the other will tell the true.

  12. klawless says:

    Yay! I have always been in the camp of “(s)he who lies about little things will lie about the big things too.” It perplexed me that you demanded honesty of yourself but not of your dates. I think more of us need to trust our gut when it tells us a lie is going on — but I am with pansophy in thinking that you could start a biz for all the folks out there not willing to trust their own intuition yet. :)

  13. Anonymous says:

    When I was a kid, I tried the lying game, and rapidly discovered that if you want to do it well, you have to be consistent. But since what you are telling are lies and not fact-based, its hard to remember what lies you told. In the end, it just never seemed to work out, and liars almost always get caught. After that little effort (let’s just say it was several decades ago and leave it at that), lying sort of became a no-go area for me. Not because I am morally superior, but because it just makes me tired to even contemplate going to that much trouble! Especially since the people that like you because of your lies are so much less enjoyable than the ones that like you because of your truth!

    Having spent the past 30 years making a study of the art of lying (for professional reasons, please!), I’ve come to the conclusion that there are indeed three “levels” of proficiency at lying. The first is just the outright lie. Most people use this technique and it is a poor one — because it’s so easily discovered. The second is to tell a bit of the truth and pad it with all the other untruths. This one requires more skill in selecting both the factual and counter-factual information being provided, and, if done properly is more believable because certain elements of it are true and can thus be verified, leaving the auditor to assume the rest is valid too. But the real acme of the art is to simply tell the truth, but do it in such a way that the auditor simply refuses to believe it. This has the advantage of putting the onus for the misinformation on the auditor while giving the liar the opportunity to say; “But I never lied!” Literally having your cake an eating it too. Alas, over the years, I’ve met liars of all three stripes and become fairly adept at spotting them. Think of it as a survival skill in the dating world, no less than in my former career!

  14. Simone Grant says:

    I give you much credit for owning up to your mistake right away. Most of the men I’ve known wouldn’t.
    Welcome to the blog. And yes, I’d agree. Most lies come back to bite you in the ass. Especially in this arena.
    And a big welcome to you too. Nothing wrong with you, the header is highly stylized. It used to be a lot more raw, but I have readers who like to play with photoshop… Nationality? That is a big lie.
    -Saucy Online Dating
    That’s an excellent point, liars really shouldn’t expect much in the way of truthtelling from the people in their lives.
    All I can say about that is that after years of meeting guys who played fast and loose with the truth, I started to feel like it would be impossible to find an honest one. And so I started to compromise. We’ll see how this no compromises policy goes.
    um, OK.