Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Mr. Right, Esq.

Hello everyone and yes you are on the right blog.  This week we have a special treat (not that every Sunday isn’t special, I love all my Guy’s Stories).

Many, many months ago I met today’s guest author through a mutual friend.  Bob Eckstein aka @SnowmanExpert is the brilliant author of The History of the Snowman (among other things) and currently works as a cartoonist at the New Yorker.   I pretty much jumped for joy when he agreed to do this for me.


References Available Upon Request

Mr. Right, Esq.

To enter immediately into a straight relationship at the meet-the-parents level which will require me to focus on someone other than myself and challenge my communications skills. I would like to be involved with someone who doesn’t try my patience and improves my status among my peers and family.

Well-versed in pop culture minutia, local team sports and complicated relationships. Outstanding in second-guessing. Proficient in Quark, QuickBooks and Facebook. Excellant speller. Familiar with commitment and integrity. Some knowledge of compassion and sincerity.

Personal Assistant 1994 –1997
• Played second fiddle to a second-rate model slash psychopath.
• In charge of all her emotional needs, both real and perceived, while providing her a positive cash flow and domestic utilities.
• Attended her dysfunctional family functions.
• Finally got message through my thick skull yet elected to consequently get involved in a similar opportunity after break-up.

Doormat 1997 – 2000
• Involved with a stand-up comedian for the longest two and half years of my life; handled a colossal ego while somehow managing not to kill myself.
• Duties included traveling to all media events, listening to the same routine endlessly and pretending to laugh at jokes both funny and not.
• Stayed in denial 24/7.
• Managed all personal meltdowns, public tantrums and sexual hang-ups.

Philanderer 2001 – 2008
• Established initial contact with a profusion of neurotic women who obviously hate men.
• Continued to not have a clue what women want.
• Successfully depleted my resources on listless dinners, theater tickets and multiple gym memberships.

Experimenter 2008 (July-September)
•Explored and adopted to an alternative lifestyle which doubled the number of dating opportunities and yielded no less than two family interventions.
•Became an active member of numerous clubs, participated in a month-long cruise and acquired a small dog.
•Reversed my strategy after demonstrating a total lack of understanding and skills required in performing the fundamental tasks required of job description.
•Repositioned myself within the heterosexual community by registering simultaneously with multiple reputable online dating services.

Husband 2008 – 2009
•Initiated and completed acquisition of a willing partner through diligent negotiations.
•Personally attended and finalized entire deal at Queens Marriage Bureau.
•Recognized and enabled first signs of partnership unraveling precipitated by unexpected negative cash flow situation coupled with spouse’s QVC shopping addiction.
•Divested wife’s credit and spearheaded a complete campaign reducing spending and lame excuses.

Divorcee 2009 –  Present
•Dealt with subsequent shock of being served divorce papers and mobilized legal representation.
•Sought professional help and surmounted the trauma of finding my best friend and business partner, Jerry, merging with my wife in the living room of our place upstate.
•Elevated and took stock of my new life after driving my Lexus into a pond out back.
•Decided to forego traditional courting processes and employed a headhunter to select a suitable mate. Fielded callbacks, coordinated encounters and produced following résumé.


13 to “Mr. Right, Esq.”

  1. snowman expert says:

    Thank you, Simone, for your kind words–I’m thrilled to be here (huge fan of SLDC)!

  2. LPS says:

    Lol!! This post has turned tragedy into comedy. Sheer brilliance! I loved it! After all that, please take a long break from women to heal and find the real you. You need to find your balance before you can function in a healthy, respectful relationship. It’s too many disasters, too close together, sapping your vitality, joie de vivre and focus. Oh and your wallet! But you do come across as an utter gem. You have to be to put up with all that, and shame on you for letting those women use like that. You’re better than that! Good luck & I really loved your post.

  3. Conor says:

    I think I may have had a similar job to you doormat position. The incessant laughing and repetition of crappy nightclubs seemed like the finale of some 1980’s avant-garde Croatian film.

  4. jenmata says:

    😀 This is hilarious! I hope half of it’s not true though.

  5. Jimmy Rice says:

    This is one of the best blogs I have ever read…”Managed all personal meltdowns, public tantrums and sexual hang-ups.” Genius. God knows how I stumbled upon this but glad I did.
    Mine’s a similar these….my dating catastrophes. Check it out if you get a min:

  6. dazediva says:

    This has got to be the best resume I have ever seen !!! Your post is a perfect mixture of humour, wit, delusion and well named positions !

    I do hope you were able to claim insurance on the Lexus going into the pond; that Jerry is out of your life and that you are currently taking a sabbatical from women ! Let that head hunter really do some screening into their past before even letting them anywhere near you !

    You come across as a total star ! And the woman who finally gets you will be one of the luckiest around … thanks for a great post !

  7. Kolea says:

    LOVE this! Really creative way to talk about disastrous relationships without sounding like a total narcissist.

  8. Laney Landry says:

    Being challenged is inevitable, but being defeated is optional. Run with what you’ve learned, just make sure you’re running in the right direction and not running too fast or with your eyes closed. Love that you designed your article this way, really catches the attention and reads easily.

  9. susie c. says:

    How do you come up with this stuff??!!!!
    Tres hilarious and so sadly true in some spots.

    SO how’s your marriage doing now?!

    Hugs, S

  10. Simone Grant says:

    I think it’s unanimous – this is just awesome!!!!

  11. grad student says:

    HAHA. That was funny! I especially the “experimenter” position.

  12. jackie says:

    god this was hilarious. my fav guy story so far! sent it to a bunch of folks…

  13. nomadjw says:

    Hilarious. You had me at “excellant speller.” Will now start working on my own resume.

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