Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Don’t Be Cruel

Cruel:  disposed to inflict pain or suffering; devoid of humane feelings

The cruelest thing a man can do to a woman is to portray her as perfection. D. H. Lawrence

The other day, the guys at VSB did a post on the 4 cruelest things that women do to men.  As usual, for them, it made me laugh.  And, as usual, I could see that there was some truth behind the buffoonery.  The stuff they listed would seriously piss me off if I were a guy.

Anyway, in honor of them, I decided to write my own list. The 4 cruelest things that men do to women.  And since I didn’t want this to just be about me and my issues, I reached out to my twitter friends for support.  This is what we came up with.  BTW, lest I get accused of being a man-hating bitch, I’ve already written about how much I like men, here and here.

The 4 Cruelest Things That Men Do to Women

1. They ignore us. There is a not a grown woman alive who hasn’t wanted to beat a guy’s brains in because, for some unknown reason, he just stops talking to her.  He doesn’t disappear completely.  And when asked he’ll say, “everything’s fine”. But he just stops looking at, talking to, engaging with his woman(wife, girlfriend, whatever).  And we women, taught by popular culture that we are supposed to be patient and giving and wait out these “difficult times” are left to tear ourselves apart.  Wondering with each passing day if there was something we did, something we can do, something he did that he’s afraid to tell us.


2.  They treat every woman in the universe like a potential ‘target’.  Sex is good.  Women like sex, too.  But treating all the women in the world like brainless sexbots isn’t going to get a guy anywhere.  Co-workers, the women at the grocery store, neighbors – they all would like it to stop.  Immediately.  Here’s a little trick for you guys to try, imagine that every woman you see has a dick, maybe then you’ll start to treat us all with a bit more respect.

3.  They take our normal concerns and behaviors and label them “crazy” and/or assume that “we have our period“.  It is not crazy for a woman who is not a size 4 or below to think she looks fat.  It might be unhealthy, but it isn’t crazy.  Our society is constantly telling women that beauty=skinny (luckily most of us realize this is a load of shit, eventually).  It is also not crazy to be concerned about tthe status of a relationship when a man’s behavior has been erratic.  Or if he didn’t call when he said he was going to.  None of that is “crazy”.  And labelling it crazy isn’t helpful. All it does is help the guy avoid having a conversation on the topic because you don’t have to talk about something if it’s “crazy”.

4. The late-in-the-game fade. My regular readers have heard me rant on about .  The fade is when 2 people have gone out a few times, and then one party decides s/he is not interested and instead of replying to an email or phone message with “I enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t think we’re a good match” or some other polite way of saying  I’m not into you, s/he just disappears.  S/he stops returning calls, texts, emails.  I hate that.  It’s childish whoever does it.  The late-in-the-game fade is 50 times worse.  This is when two people have a relationship. They’ve been sleeping together, getting to know one another, meeting each other’s friends and then the guy (I do not know of any cases where a woman has done this, and if one has she should have to turn in her chick card – the horrid cow) fades.  He withdraws completely from the relationship without manning up and saying anything about it and then when asked by a frantic woman, “what’s going on, I haven’t seen or heard from you in days/weeks and you’re not returning my calls/texts/emails” he says something lame like, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to be with you anymore and I didn’t know how to tell you.  I’ve moved on and am already seeing someone new.”


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16 to “Don’t Be Cruel”

  1. OpinionatedGift says:

    Actually I’ve been faded once or twice. I’d call them and tell them to hand in their chick cards, but they’d just ignore me anyway.


  2. Simone Grant says:

    Really? A late-in-the-game fade? From some chick you’ve been seeing for a long while? After you’ve met friends and shit? OMG, I’m shocked. And horrified. She was clearly a genetic mutation.

  3. iamalejandra says:

    I didn’t think it was in a woman’s nature to do the fade!! *gasp* I mean, I am as heartless as women come and not even I would dare to it, lol.

  4. Barry Glam says:

    Those who constantly date and never seem to find a right guy, should reflect upon themselves. It’s easy to criticize others. This goes for guys and girls.

    Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

    At a certain point one needs to ask: What’s wrong with me?

  5. Quirkily: now Thereallydenseguy says:

    I have a minor quibble with #3. I agree that throwing the lunatic label around never leads to anything positive but if a guy says you’re crazy for thinking that you’re fat, he (usually) means it in the nicest way possible. It generally means that he loves you for who you are and he wants you to know that. Of course it’s not the best way to get it across and it probably would be better for us to rather say that everyone else is crazy for not thinking you’re the hottest thing around but that’s some fancy dancing around the bush that most men aren’t very good at (otherwise we’d be politicians).

    I have something on my mind about genetics playing a role in douchebaggery but my mind is too addled with caffeine and sleep deprivation to write it coherently. Maybe later.

  6. Filipina Girl says:

    The late-in-the-game fade with an excuse >>”I’m sorry, I don’t want to be with you anymore and I didn’t know how to tell you. I’ve moved on and am already seeing someone new.”

  7. Filipina Girl says:

    P.S. I don’t know what happen to my comment but the idea shown in your blog is lacking.

    Anyway, to repeat with what I have said I am sort of guilty with your List #4 because I am guilty of that one also.
    I totally agree with your listings and let me add also, another cruelest thing that a man will do to a woman is making them as a meantime girl. Approaching or sparing some time with the girl whom they know likes or loves them much when they are down, heartbroken or needs someone to talk to during their boring days especially when the woman they fancy isn’t available.

  8. Simone Grant says:

    You have way too much class for that, darling.
    -Barry Glam
    Oh goodie, there’s always one. Who exactly am I criticizing in this post? I asked a couple thousand + people to contribute (as stated in the post) their thoughts. I’ve written more than once about how much I like and appreciate guys. Hmmm. I list 4 (not dozens – but 4) things that some men do that annoy women. And the tone of the post is humorous rather than bitter.

    Further, I write all the time about my own personal faults and foibles.

    Oh, but let me guess, you just don’t think a 39 year old SINGLE woman should have a right to an opinion to anything in relation to anything related to man, dating or relationships because my very existence proves I’m WRONG. Let me save you some time Barry – fuck off and don’t come back. This isn’t the blog for you.

    There are times when “you’re crazy” is meant with love, and we get that. But more often than not, women hear “you’re crazy” as, “you’re wrong and I’m not willing to talk about this”. We don’t expect the men in our lives to be perfect. We’re not perfect. Just know that invoking “you’re crazy” too often is a good way to build up some long term resentment.
    -Filipina Girl
    I’m not sure what you mean. I think maybe your first comment just took a couple of minutes to appear?? Anyway, yes I’d agree it’s also cruel when men spend time with a women who is 2nd best, or as I usually say “on the back burner” because the one they want isn’t around. Not cool.

  9. thechamp says:


    even though i’m not sure i like the “some truth” qualifier, lol, i’m glad that you were entertained, and i appreciate the compliments (yesterday and in your previous blogs)

    as far as the “cruel” stuff we do to you…

    1. i understand your issue with this, but you have to understand that most men have been conditioned to handle adversity by ourselves. its not that we’re intentionally shutting you all out, but we typically want you all to see us as strong and unflappable, which, admittedly, probably makes us pretty frustrating to deal with at times

    2. “imagine that every woman you see has a dick”

    you don’t want to live in a world where men start treating women like men, trust me. however badly you think we treat you all is 100 times better than we treat each other, lol

    3. is “touched” better?

    4. ah yes, the “close-bus syndrome” (

    i have no comeback for this. its fucked up when we do that, and i can see how it would drive somebody crazy.

    still though, i must say that its impossible for something like this to happen without any signs. guys dont just wake up one morning and decide to “fade away”. usually, they weren’t that invested to begin with, and they were just biding time until something better comes along.

    if a guy spent time approaching, pursuing, and courting a woman, he’s probably not gonna just fade. sure, the relationship might end, but not like that

    but, if its one of those relationships with nonchalant beginnings where you’re hanging out (and or hooking up) with a guy with no labels, and, after a while, all of a sudden you’re a “couple”, then the ending is probably going to mirror how it began

  10. Dating is my Hobby says:

    Ughhh I absolutely hate the fade. If the fade is happening, its probably a case of “he’s just not that into you.” In the days of technology, there is no way you can’t return a phone call with a quick text of “I was in a meeting” or “I’m out with friends.” I think there is a statute of limitations of 12 hours for someone you consider to be dating as far as returning phone calls/texts. Though, I have to say… if you don’t leave a message, I may not consider it to be important…anyway. That’s a tangent. The fade sucks.

  11. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    Fantastic list! I’ve had to deal with all these things at one time or another and all are pet peeves of mine, especially the last one, which is inexcusable. Given how easy it is today to engage in faceless, impersonal communication, a guy has no excuse for not sending an email AT THE VERY LEAST to say that he’s no longer interested. But I still think the more humane thing to do is to call someone up or tell them in person. Yeah, it’s not easy, but no one said life is supposed to be.

    @thechamp: Several women I know and I have all been on the receiving end of what Simone calls the “late-in-the-game fade.” I assure you it can happen very suddenly, with no warning signs that we supposedly intuitive women can pick up on, even after meeting family, planning vacations or other financial commitments, or talking about marriage and kids (yes, I’m talking about the GUY bringing this up, not the woman). Some men put a lot of effort into the courtship because they really enjoy the thrill of the chase and the romantic high. As that starts to wear off, they quite suddenly get bored and drop the girl like a hot potato. Others don’t know what they want and only realize after they’ve promised a woman the world that she’s not it. Still others idealize her and can’t handle it when they find out she’s a real person with flaws like everyone else. And then some guys are just pathological narcissists who get off on the game. Whatever the reason, it happens, and it’s really cruel when it does.

  12. Anonymous says:

    “It is also not crazy to be concerned about tthe status of a relationship when a man’s behavior has been erratic. Or if he didn’t call when he said he was going to. None of that is “crazy”. ”

    I think you’re reaching on this one. You get labeled a psycho when you can’t control your own insecurity and take it out on the guy. Men aren’t these fragile creatures who can’t take it when a woman expresses frustration. Guys know when they’ve messed up. If a woman expresses a valid point they take ownership of their mistake. Women only get called crazy when they can’t see past their own neediness and proceed to act irrationally.

  13. drumdance says:

    The thing women need to understand about men looking at them as sexbots is, we look at ourselves as sexbots. Eyetracking studies confirm this. Who do you think buys all those muscle magazines at the supermarket checkout? It’s in our nature to notice the sexual attractiveness of not only our “targets,” but also our rivals.

  14. Anonymous says:

    I can completely relate to #1 on your list. I’ve recently subscribed to your blog and I enjoy it on a daily basis. I must say, wow you’re making me feel “normal” and far from alone. Thank you!
    I’m a girl that dates girls and I’ve recently taken to dating a girl that has a lot of “guy” qualities, excluding her looks. She’s beautiful and the envy of most, but omg, she’s such a guy! and I really do tear myself apart when she ignores me. I find myself “addicted to the chase” and I stay alert for the moment she actually acknowledges my existence. I find that she’s worth the wait, is this bad?

  15. Simone Grant says:

    -The Champ,
    Welcome to the blog. Thanks for taking the time to drop by. Hmmm, men treat each other worse than they treat women? Interesting.
    -Dating is my Hobby
    Yeah, the fade sucks. It’s just not the way adults should interact.
    Perhaps this is one of those areas when one partners thinks they’re giving off signals and the other doesn’t read them? Who knows. Either way, it’s ridiculous. Signals are not enough.
    -Anon #1
    Telling a woman she’s crazy as an alternative to, “I think you’re letting your insecurities get the better of you” is hardly effective. “Crazy” is just condescending. Everyone has insecurities. Adults should be able to discuss them without putting one another down.
    I was actually referring to more than the act of looking, but rather the way men treat the women they casually interact with.
    I don’t pretend to be a relationship expert (and think most of the people who do are full of shit). And I don’t really believe in good or bad. If the person you like makes you feel bad more than good, then I’d rethink it. Otherwise, be happy.

  16. LittleMissAngry says:

    I agree that 1, 3 and 4 = cruel. No. 2, not so much cruel, just dreadfully annoying! 😉