Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Hurry Up and Get Married Quickly

This is SO not about what you think it is.

This is National Singles’ Week and so it might seem like an odd time for me to be writing a post about , but I’m an odd chick.

I was browsing as I drank my coffee and noticed this post, Is One Month Into Dating Too Soon to Get Hitched. They showed both sides and gave a famous example (go read the post) of a couple who met and married soon after and have made it work for decades.  And they gave a list of pros and cons (I’m not so much a fan of the pro and con lists).

Anyway, I can think of a couple of other examples of people who’ve met and married quickly:  my parents and Lostplum’s parents.  Both long marriages.  Not to mention the fact that the success rate for arranged marriages is much higher than that for “normal” marriages.

And yet the comments on that YourTango article, so far, are very much in the “take your time” camp. The general consensus in this country is that people should know each other for years before they marry.  Years and years.  And I’m not saying that’s wrong.   I mean, what do I know, anyway?  I’m just saying that maybe there’s something to meeting someone, falling hard, having a frank discussion or two about what you both want out of life (which to me seems to be the key to success, but again, what do I know) and then going for it.

Not that I’m in a rush to get married.  Ever.

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9 to “Hurry Up and Get Married Quickly”

  1. Louise Northwood says:

    Very well thought out article, I like that you understand single is not a life sentence , in my experience if its going to work out it will and if the couple know after a month they know, theres only ever 2 people who know what goes on behind closed doors x x


  2. wwfchic says:

    After 36 years of being single, I met someone this summer. He’s everything I could ever want – he even has a big neck (hey it’s my thing). We talked for a month – and he moved in. Now after 3 months, we’re engaged. At 36 – I know what I want and don’t want. He’s easy to get along with, ambitious, loves my cats and treats them like I do, he’s got a big neck and he thinks I’m hot. Heck – he even mows the lawn! What more could I want? Are we rushing it? Eh maybe – but I think by now – I know what I want and so does he.

  3. CrystalHerb says:

    mmmmm.. all I can say is boy am I glad I didn’t rush into anything…. had a few proposals in my time and not sure in hindsight if many of them were for real love, more out of desperation and selfishness on the guy’s part.. the last guy kept mentioning it but now I know why as he had hidden, shall we say, “depths”, the guy before that was a total bully and needed a UK passport and the proposal prior to that was for selfishness too. I would definitely get to know someone for wayyyyyyyyy longer than a handful of weeks, sometimes people start to reveal their true selves much later on in the relationship.. having said that, I do also know that people tend to show us who they are with gestures, comments etc in those initial few weeks so there is a lot to be said for listening to your intuition! :0)

  4. Quirkyeconomist says:

    Part of the issue is that “having a frank discussion or two about what you both want out of life” requires *knowing* what you want out of life. I think that there’s an inverse relationship between your own self-awareness/comfort level with who you are, and how long you need to date someone before you know it will or won’t work. Two years ago, a friend told me that he was engaged to someone he had been dating about three months and I thought he was nuts. Then I met someone who is so perfect for me (even in the ways that he isn’t perfect) that I found myself thinking “hmmm, I could totally see spending the rest of my life with him” after about a month (which also completely freaked me out but that’s a whole different issue). I HATE when people say crap like “you just don’t know until it happens to you” but in this case, I do think that I would never have believed this was possible until it did happen to me. But my main point is that I think I had a strong sense of who I was before I met him and as we’ve gone along, I’m constantly asking myself what I want, thinking about what I wanted before I met him and asking if I’m compromising anything just because I’m *in love*, etc. We’re in no rush to get married (and may not even get married even if we stay together forever) but years from now, if anyone asks, I think I’ll honestly be able to say, “Yeah, I knew within a month that he was the one.”

  5. You Make My Date says:

    On a slightly different note, you say, “Not to mention the fact that the success rate for arranged marriages is much higher than that for “normal” marriages.”

    The reason arranged marriages have a higher “success rate” is because couples who are in arranged marriages are less likely to get divorced (no matter how unhappy they are), largely due to social and cultural pressure from their families and communities.

  6. Simone Grant says:

    -Louise Northwood
    “understand that single is not a life sentence…” LOL. Louise, I think single is just fine for a lot of us. I also recognize that some people would prefer to not be single. Given your choice of words I’m guessing that you don’t recognize that some people are fine without a life partner.
    I’m so glad that’s still going so well for you. And “rushing it”, IMO, isn’t really a relevant concept. All the best.
    I understand what you’re saying. My last relationship was on the express track. I was 100% he was the one. And then he wasn’t. He revealed himself. But then, sometimes people do that after 10 years of marriage (I’m thinking of a friend going through a very bad divorce, and they have a kid…). I don’t know that there is a right answer.
    Yes, I think having a strong sense of who you are if very much a part of these success stories. It’s impossible to know what you really want out of life unless you know YOU. Excellent point. And I’m very happy for you.
    -You Make My Date
    That’s certainly true, but I was talking about couples who opt-in to arranged marriages here in the states and Canada. Who choose to participate. If I was more together I’d spend the time now and find the study, I watched a really bad tv show about it. I was completely obsessed and fascinated about it for weeks (wrote about it a few times).

  7. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    This is a really interesting topic. I think a lot depends on what the two people in question want out of a relationship and what their values are. For instance, there are some people who really want to be married and maybe raise a family above all else. That’s priority one for them. They’re not as interested in, say, finding “perfect” chemistry or making sure they’re compatible on every little point. They just want to find a decent person with a similar philosophy, and they place a high value on getting and staying married. That’s an example of a couple for whom a quickie courtship might work, and I’m sure there are other kinds of couples whose desires and individual personality traits would be conducive to a very short engagement.

    That said, I personally think it’s better to err on the side of caution. Of course, that begs the question of when you can ever be 100% sure of anyone, and the answer is you can’t ever be. But I think you can minimize your chances of making a mistake if you’ve known someone long enough to observe how they act and react in a variety of situations. In my experience, there’s a mask that starts to drop after around three months with someone, although that doesn’t mean it won’t come off sooner or later. But that’s when I’ve started to see the red flags that I would later look back on and understand as the beginning of the end. Ultimately, I think all relationships require a leap of faith, though!

  8. Michelle Ashley says:

    SINgle GIRL,

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this blog and found it rather insightful. It was refreshing to finally read an article written by a strong, independent woman who is not in a rush to make that lifelong commitment. I have found that many women reach that panic mode by the time they turn thirty-five. Afraid their biological clock will run out, or succumbing to a life of solitude, many women choose to tie the knot with the first man that looks their way – despite what their intuition tells them. Ladies, are you crazy?

    While I would like to get married some time day, I will be on the lookout for Mr. Right, not Mr. Almost. Ladies, you need to stop settling because it only does more harm than good in the end.

    – To the Single Life!

  9. Simone Grant says:

    You hit the nose on the head, it’s about what you want. The couples for whom arranged marriages and quickie courtships work clearly both want the same thing and I’d hazard a bet that that isn’t to meet their soulmate and live happily ever after. Those are couples who are seeking partnership in a mutually agreed upon lifestyle. And good for them. It’s not what I want, but good for them for going after what they want. I kind of hate how little respect there is for that and how MUCH respect there is for the soulmate trap.
    -Michelle Ashley
    Thanks so much and welcome to the blog. I hope you find what you’re seeking, whatever it is.