Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

There’s Always More to the Story

On Tuesday, I wrote about my cancelled date with Mr. Nicepost and the way I felt about it (stressed, distrustful, ashamed at my own lack of trust).  I tried to be as open and honest with you as I could be about my feelings, while at the same time leaving out lots of details about what happened with Mr. Nicepost and why I was feeling the way I was feeling.  It was the best I could do in an awkward situation.  (I’d told him about the and so had to assume he would/could read it.  I didn’t want him to know what I knew and exactly what I was thinking).

But, me and Mr. Nicepost won’t be seeing each other again, so now I can tell you what was really going on on Tuesday.    But first, some back story:  Our was a couple of weeks ago. I wrote about it and gave you most of the details.  He met me at a party, from there we went out to dinner and then a club. I had too much to drink (on that note, strange that I had too much to drink on our dates as I so rarely drink on dates…).  And then I did something kinda stupid.  It was late and I was trashed and I invited him back to my place.  The wasn’t the stupid thing.  But suggesting it was.  IMO.  It disrupted the balance of power and shit.  Anyway, we were at the club trying to decide whether or not to stay to listen to an act that started later on in the night (after midnight) and I suggested going back to my place instead.

And I was drunk and he was exhausted from working marathon hours for the past few days/weeks.  No, I’m not going to say more about that.

And then I had plans for the weekend so the next day I suggested we get together then next Tuesday (he emailed me first, in case you were wondering, with the obligatory – ‘I had a great time’ email).  Again, me doing the asking.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning, late in the morning, I was thinking, “gee, I haven’t heard from him in a while”.  I was feeling a little insecure.  OK, a lot insecure.  So I checked his OkCupid account and it said he’d checked in already that morning.  And so I sent him an email asking about the plans for that night.  And a few hours later I received an email from him saying:  a) that he’d just woken up b) that he was sick and had to cancel.

I immediately went back to OkCupid to see if maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he hadn’t been online earlier.  I really didn’t want him to be lying about having just woken up. And his account was gone.  Deleted.

I had no idea what to think.  Well, I had some theories.  Lots of theories.  Most of them focusing on him not being sick/being a big fat .  But over the course of the day he and I exchanged a few emails that put my mind in a better place.  He took a great deal of time to write me a long email telling me how much he was looking forward to getting to know me, blah blah blah.

Anyway, I had to be away for part of the weekend.  I sent him an email as I was leaving town on Friday, saying that I hoped he was feeling better and that I’d be back Sunday.  And I said maybe we could get together one day this week.  He wrote back saying that he’d be away Monday-Friday but would love to get together Sunday night.  So like an idiot, I cancelled the plans I had for Sunday night so that I could see him. I really just wanted to get it over with, if that makes sense.  I was starting to actually have a feeling of dread about it (no, I am not the sanest chick on the block).

As of late yesterday/Sunday afternoon I hadn’t heard anything from him. By then I knew.  It just felt too much like I was chasing him.  Completely unacceptable and, well, icky.  I was having brunch with one of my favorite people on the planet and he agreed with my assessment – this was all going nowhere.  There was more than likely some other woman and he was stringing me along via email as a “safety”, just in case that didn’t work out.  My friend told me I absolutely shouldn’t email but should instead go and make other plans for the night.  And I knew he was right, but I suck about stuff like that (I also have a bad habit of picking scabs).

I sent Mr. Nicepost a short email asking if we were getting together.  The tone wasn’t bitchy, but it was more businesslike than friendly.  He replied back that he’d met someone else over the weekend.  Someone with whom he had an instant connection and he had to explore it.  And he wished me luck.

Yeah right.

OK, he could be telling the truth.  The hidden profile and the dragged out communications and cancelled date could all be coincidence.  But what I’m guessing is their magical connection happened sometime before he got “sick” and cancelled our date.   And really, does it matter?   Ok, on that note, the fact that he lied on his profile makes me think that he is more likely to lie on other things.

The thing is, the only thing that made him any different or special than the dozens of other guys I’ve gone out with in the last few months is that I decided to tell him about the blog.  It was an experiment. One that, honestly, I’m not sure I want to replicate.

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22 to “There’s Always More to the Story”

  1. dazediva says:

    Wow ! That’s mad intense … All of that happened … I don’t you contacting / suggesting to meet him categorizes you as the one doing all the chasing … there’s an equal balance of power here … besides its the 21st Century – if women don’t make an attempt at pursuing something – then it would take much longer to figure out whether something between two people is working or not … So don’t feel icky .. at least I don’t feel that you should ..

    As for him being a liar … maybe he did lie and string you along like your mate suggested … maybe he did meet another woman … but think of it this way – at least he was not meeting you AND meeting her at the same time … now that would put him as a liar in my books … he definitely dealt with the situation in the wrong way – he should have come out clean instead of the ad hoc excuses (and maybe he really was sick too but not as long as he claimed to be) …

    You’re an amazing woman and it’s just his loss that he’s not around you.

    p.s I have just literally told a guy who is quite interested in me about my blog ! this could drag skeletons if he looks into it too much LOL

  2. TerrySimpson says:

    There is never a great loss when nothing has happened. Often we think we have lost something when what we have lost is the person to put in our vision of the future. Our vision of what we will be, or become, or where we will be should not change by the people who are characters in the play of life. Characters change- but the vision is still good.
    I have no doubt there will be new and more interesting stories to tell. He would have been a more interesting person had he been honest with you — “hey I have another date here and then want to go out with you.” — imagine, someone being honest with you about their multiple dating life. That would have made him interesting – but to slink out of it shows he just isn’t well developed yet. Or, NRFPTSG (not ready for prime time Simone Grant)

  3. Hypatia says:

    Bummer! I know you were hopful about this one. I know your blog policy, but IMHO it’s never a good sign when one feels one has to hide or excuse someone’s behavior.

  4. Quirkyeconomist says:

    Ugh. Just major UGH. As I was reading, I could feel my own stomach twisting up because I have SO been there! And I’ve been there so many times that now, the instant I have any suspicion that a guy might not be as into me as I’d like, I back off and wait to see what he does. Of course, then I get a bit annoyed with myself for not being as assertive as I want to be but I decided I’d rather avoid the icky insecure feeling. And being with my current beau has made me an even stronger believer that if a guy isn’t willing to let you know he thinks you’re fabulous, he isn’t worth your time anyway. Even if it had turned out differently, if Mr. Nicepost had kept the Sunday date and really had been sick earlier, etc., the very fact that you felt the way you did at ANY point in the process suggests to me that you are better off moving on.

  5. bbbex says:

    I wouldn’t tell anymore guys about the blog. You really put yourself out there, and you leave yourself open to a lot of potential problems.

    I didn’t believe his “sick” excuse. Your initial feeling that he could lie in other instances was true, but it’s good you found out now rather than later after getting too wrapped up with him.

  6. TheB0y says:

    Damn. There I was, getting all excited and happy for you. Bummer.

  7. My Kafkaesque Life says:

    I hate to say I was right. Not a good idea to tell about your blog, but… It was good that you did it. Because now you know how it feels. You have another experience and I’m sure you will learn about it.

    And it’s true, a small lie is an indicator. It starts with a small one and in the end the big ones follow. I’m ok about putting a little make-up on the truth, but a flat lie is not a good base for something serious. Makes a person look shallow. I’m glad that you are true to yourself: Eventually something good will happen to you.

  8. Hypersingle says:

    I suspect your instincts, although not infallible, are usually right. “Everybody lies!” – Dr. House*. Sigh, perhaps if you had withheld more of yourself, the relationship may have progressed farther along. But if someone is not interested in your core being what is the purpose of stringing along relationships? Can’t fault you for being YOU. That being said, someone who may be a truly good match may be intimidated by the woman (=girl in Simonespeak) pursuing. The more I think about it , lying about your age/picture/illness/job/etc is a HIGH grade red flag. Simone’s blog may be TOO honest for some people. My take on the whole thing, Mr Nicepost (aka Mr Profilefudge) realized that Simone was more woman (sorry, girl) than he could handle and after reading her blog over several days, he firmly tucked his tail in between his legs and ran away to the Chihuahuas where he felt more comfortable. Chalk up another one on the dating board. Next!

    * although Gregory is right, some people believe that certain lies of comission/omission are undesirable in themselves and others and hold it as a personal value to act accordingly to the best of their ability

  9. pups4me says:

    I’m sorry to hear your hopes were dashed, and like Quirkyeconomist said, I’ve been there and know the icky feeling…it’s not good and it sucks.
    This makes me wonder…if he hadn’t lied about his age in his profile, would it have made you feel as insecure as you did when he cancelled the Tue. night date? I think it’s worth considering that it’s not you that is distrustful unless you have a reason to think you should be…does that make sense?
    Continue to move forward…this is just another experience along the way to something good.

  10. pansophy says:

    Well I was ‘wrong’ about him in that I didn’t think someone would ‘fade’ and start talking about specific times to meet up later in the week. Like why bother with that!? Relationships are unstable early on…sort of no way around that.

    I still see telling him about the blog as a huge success though. If the goal of the relationship is to find a true partner then hiding who you are so you can find someone you can be yourself with really makes no sense at all.

    Connection with another person requires risk – there is no way around that either. Being who you are gets one a lot closer to what one wants than hiding who you are and playing the game really well.

    If the blog really gets in the way so much that it is prohibitive to building a relationship with someone then I’d break up with the blog before I’d endorse hiding it indefinitely.

  11. DateDoctor says:

    Isn’t it funny? the diametrically opposing-mind altering consequences for humans after sex?

  12. Simone Grant says:

    Good luck with your new guy. Am crossing my fingers. In my case I do think the fact that I started to do the asking was an issue. It wouldn’t be for all guys, but it was for him.
    I love it, NRFPTSG. Yes, the last couple weeks of my life would’ve been so much nice if he’d have been an honest, mature bloke- but it’s not like there was anything between us. No great loss.
    I was feeling really awkward about it, wanting to say more. But there’s no point in getting mad at myself about it now. The real question is, would I do it again?
    That feeling, the stomach twisting up, was how I felt all of last week any time I though of it/him. Ugh is right.
    I’m still on the fence about the blog, honestly. I don’t think his knowledge of the blog had anything to do with his behavior. It dd affect my ability to write about it, though.
    Yes, you were clearly getting more excited about it than I was:-)
    -My Kafkaesque Life
    Again, I don’t think the blog was an issue. But I’m not running out to tell every guy in the city either. I do think I might reconsider my tolerance for lying on profiles. It is shallow.
    I try not overthink whether or not the guy for me can handle the blog (really, I do). All I know is that this blog is a part of my life and if a guy wants me, he’s going to have to take all of me.
    Yes, I’ll continue moving forward. And since you mentioned it, no I wouldn’t have been as distrustful of a man who hadn’t yet given me a reason to doubt him. I figure every guy starts with a blank slate. He earns trust or mistrust. He earned some mistrust, straight out of the gate. Not lots, but a little. And it was enough.
    As I’ve said many times, I’m seeking a partner. But I’m not desperate for one. I have a life and the blog is a part of my life. Any guy who wants to fit into my life has to be willing to take all of me- blog and all. And that might mean not telling him right away (hiding it indefinitely has never been part of the game plan). I’m going to have to take that on a case by case basis.
    Something like that, yes.

  13. pansophy says:

    “hiding it indefinitely has never been part of the game plan” No I know. I think I’m reacting to feedback saying ‘see you shouldn’t have told him’ more than what you are doing with it.

    Obviously we don’t go out on first dates and tell the other person every secret we can think of. The relationship has to be able to hold stuff first. For whatever reason you decided to tell him, and I just want to be in the camp of supporting that decision…

  14. You Make My Date says:

    You’ve got a lot of solid comments from anyone else, so I just want to say that I’m very annoyed on your behalf.

    Can we please change his name now to “Mr. Has-A-Small-Post”?

  15. LPS says:

    What a wanker. And I thought this one sounded nice! :( I am sorry about that Simone, but even though the experiment went a little awry, you learnt a valuable lesson – you haven’t wasted your time, and that’s only a good thing :)

  16. Simone Grant says:

    You Make My Date
    Better yet, let’s just never mention him again. He’s really not worth it.
    Yep, a wanker. A friend of mine had the perfect reaction – he’s probably dating a 22 yr old. Sadly, he is the kind of guy who’d be chasing a “newer model” (and yes I mean that in the tawdry/nasty way).

  17. starangel82 says:

    Oh, sweetie, I just now read this. I’m sorry. I know you were hopeful about him (and I was for you). Just consider this good fortune because it has ended up saving you a lot of problems from him in the future. As you said, let’s just not ever mention him again. He’s not worth it. And you are worth so much more and so much better.

  18. Jenna O'Neill says:

    This pretty much happened to me this weekend. I was talking to a guy on OKC for about a month and had couple of cancelled dates with him. He texts me a week ago, says he’s sorry for being a flake, really wants to meet, is moving this weekend and we’ll meet up soon. We converse on and off all week. He texted me last night…I didn’t answer because it wasn’t really anything to respond to, honestly and I was still trying to play it cool and not reply every single time he randomly contacts me. This morning I log in, and his account is “not found.” I don’t know if that means he blocked me, or if his account is inactive now, or what. But It sucks because I kinda liked this guy…he seemed cool and normal. Guess not.

    Long story longer, I’m so glad I found your blog and read this entry, because it makes me not only realize I’m not the only neurotic dater out there, but also that guys blow off amazingly cool women like yourself all the time, and it’s their loss. So thanks for cheering me up a bit.

  19. svo says:

    Simone, I have to disagree here with the comments about the guy here. I know it probably hurts to look forward to having a future with somebody but realistically you only knew him for a such a short while (and only two dates.)

    During the timespan of those two dates, he wasn’t interested anymore and wasn’t eager to make plans. You were chasing him, and when you suggested plans later on, he’s not going to be rude and say no outright (or he’s keeping you as a back-up plan, which is a dick move, but 99% of women do this so … :p)

    I really don’t see what’s so terrible about this guy (or calling him “not fully developed”, what?)

  20. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    Well, no more Mr. Nicepost. :( I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out. He really did sound promising!

    Maybe it was the blog, or maybe it had nothing to do with that. Maybe he was one of those jerks who just wanted to “score” lurking behind a nice guy’s facade. Maybe some little thing said totally innocently rubbed him the wrong way. Maybe he really did suddenly meet a “soul mate.” Who knows? Not that long ago, I read a book titled Why He Didn’t Call You Back by Rachel Greenwald. You wouldn’t believe what the men interviewed revealed about the fickle, petty reasons why they wrote off girls in the early stages of relationships!

    Anyway, it’s happened to me, too (who hasn’t it happened to, I guess?), and, at the end of the day, I learned that I had to let go of the “whys” and just accept the bottom line, that this, for whatever reason, was not the right guy for me. Still, doesn’t excuse them from the string-alongs. I’ve often felt that I could take any blow dealt me as long as it didn’t come on the heels of a string-along!

  21. OpinionatedGift says:

    Finally catching up with you here. What a bummer. I was excited for you.

    It really never gets easier does it?

  22. Simone Grant says:

    Thanks darling. It was just a couple of dates. Whatever…
    -Jenna O’Neill
    Welcome to the blog. I’m glad you found us too. That’s why we’re here, so everyone can see that it’s not just us. This shit happens to everyone.
    As I said, I changed that balance of power by asking him out and that wasn’t good. I was hardly chasing the guy(a few emails over a couple of weeks – a guy would have to be super-self involved to think of that as chasing). But whatever. It was a couple of dates.

    That said, he did lie. A couple of times. And he did makes dates that he canceled. It would have been easy for him to not make the dates. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”, or if he wanted to keep me as an option, “this project is taking all of my time, can I call you later in the week when I know my availability” – I’ve used that one. By not being true and clear he made things harder and less pleasant. Something many people chose to do. And that is what many commenters are responding to, I believe. A frustration with people who would rather take the easy way out, rather than just be honest. It’s childish.
    I’m not particularly saddened by his departure from my life. I’m familiar with the Greenwald book and, honestly, wasn’t impressed. Women also have bizarre reasons they’d give.
    As I’ve mentioned, I don’t think the blog has anything to do with more. If it did, it did. Either way, it doesn’t matter. I long ago stopped asking why. Long, long, long ago.
    No darling, it never gets an easier. Luckily it does get more fun. I think.