Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

3 Guys Online: A Study

Like so many other people in the US, I’m “away” this weekend.  So no dates for me (and no, I don’t have anything scheduled with Mr. Nicepost for next week and yes, this makes me a little anxious).

I’m still an active online dater.  Here’s a story of three men, all of whom have written to me recently.

Bachelor #1, on the surface, seems like a good potential match for me. Right age, not bad looking, wrote a somewhat interesting (OK – not great, but not awful) profile.  Bachelor #2, has a great profile.  It’s well written and funny and full of details that make me want to meet him.  But he’s a few years too young for me and he reveals 3 or 4 other things about himself that I consider to be red flags.  Bachelor #3 is much, much too young (by a decade), is cute, and has a great (red-flag free) profile.

Bet you can’t guess which one of these guys I’m probably going to meet?  That’s right, Bachelor #3.

Why him?  Because he wrote me a wonderful little note mentioning some very specific reasons why he thinks we should meet.  He acknowledges the age issue (that he is below my stated age range) and that he thinks we should overlook it.  In other words, he took a shot.  A really great shot.

Bachelor #1, the most obvious choice, sent me a one line note telling me that he thought my pictures were pretty.  Bzzzz, wrong answer.  Not enough effort on display.  Move along.

Bachelor #2 didn’t do much better, sending me a not that said, “Hi there, How are you?”   Sorry, no.

As important as a guy’s profile is (and it’s very, very important) the initial message he sends me is just as, if not more, important.

Anyway, I’m guessing that some guys still don’t get that.  That they’re messaging several dozen chicks at a time with the same opening line.  Maybe even copying and pasting it.  And who knows, maybe it will work.  On someone.

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8 to “3 Guys Online: A Study”

  1. dikke kus says:

    Why do you date online?

  2. Tales From A Bar Stool says:

    A guy definitely has to grab my attention in his initial online contact. If he gives me a generic one liner I’m likely to delete his message. I once got a fantastic and detailed email from someone who had a great profile and was going to message him back until my roommate and I discovered that he had sent both of us (and probably a slew of others) the exact same email. HA

  3. Hypatia says:

    Absolutely! It still shocks me that some guys don’t get this!

  4. Ysabella Juson says:

    I totally agree with you!

  5. Midtown Girl says:

    Or even better – when they send an email saying “What’s up?”. wtf!

  6. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    Because I have what I call a narrow range of attraction, when I date online, most of the guys I meet are usually the ones I initiated contact with. It’s rare that someone I actually find attractive initiates contact with me. The few times it’s happened, they also had really cute, appealing contact messages, and I’m sure that helped.

    But if I found a guy attractive and really liked his profile, I’d try not to write him off because of a brief or boring contact email. For one thing, some guys just aren’t writers. For another, some of them are super busy, and yes, maybe they’re sending the same message to a bunch of other women, but considering the extremely low response rate that men get online, I don’t blame them for trying to maximize their chances.

    For example, I once contacted a guy who responded with interest but obviously wasn’t a writer. His emails were brief and no-nonsense. I don’t know if this was because he wasn’t that talented in that department or because he was a C-level exec who didn’t have time for long, rambling emails, or some combo of both. However, our first phone conversation was very promising, and our next several dates were great. Even though it ultimately didn’t work out, I was so glad I didn’t write him off based on his lackluster emailing skills.

  7. browolf says:

    people who are good at writing have a distinct advantage. strangely I’m better at writing about anything except myself.
    regarding what guys dont get. I spotted this on wikipedia once when I was reading about cognitive bias. seems appropriate

    “Dunning-Kruger effect — “…when people are incompetent in the strategies they adopt to achieve success and satisfaction, they suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it. Instead, …they are left with the mistaken impression that they are doing just fine.”

  8. Simone Grant says:

    -dikke kus
    There are lots of reasons I like online dating (I wrote a post about it a while back. I tried to find it but my search thingy is on the blink). It allows me to potentially meet dozens of men I’d never meet otherwise in a very condensed period of time. And really, I think it’s a pretty efficient and effective way to do it.
    -Tales From A Bar Stool
    Oh yeah, I hate those generic letters. There are a couple of guys who have sent me the same letter over and over and over (every few months). Pathetic.
    Nothing shocks me anything. Nothing!
    -Ysabella Juson
    Perhaps we should create a group letter and start to circulate it online – Dear all men who use online dating sites…
    -Midtown Girl
    Oh, those are just charming too. I guess those guys think they can just coast of their looks? Or some other magnetic quality. Ugh.
    I have no issue with brief messages. Simple is good. And many of the men I’ve dated haven’t been great writers. All I’m seeking is effort. If I guys isn’t going to make an effort to write a couple of sentences to ME, then I see that as an indicator. Maybe I’m wrong. I frequently am.
    Yes, people who are better writers have an advantage. But I don’t buy the logic that someone can be under the impression that they’re doing fine even if they’re not. Online dating is all about results. A person with poor results must realize at some point they he/she is not doing fine (unless they are delusional and incapable of accepting responsibility for anything that ever happens to them). Further, online dating is a very specific writing skill, just like writing a resume and cover letters. Anyone interested in either learning or seeking professional help could easily do so. I guess what I’m saying is, I have neither patience nor sympathy for people (men or women) who say they have tried online dating but they didn’t get a single date.