Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

A Matter of Trust (Trust?)

I was supposed to have a date with Mr. Nicepost tonight.  Was.  I got an email from him early this afternoon saying that he was .  The flu.  He suggested we get together Friday.  But I have family stuff this weekend and so…

People get sick all of the time.  It happens.

And yet my first instinct was to assume that this was the first step in his inevitable fade (for new readers of the blog, is when a person, usually a man, doesn’t want to come out and say, “I don’t want to see you anymore” or something like it and so instead discontinues all communication).  I figured the next step would be for him to say, I’ll be in touch just as soon as I feel better, and then I’d never hear from him.


Was this rational?  I don’t know.  OK, probably not.  But there are very good reasons why I have issues.  And I’d just written a post that I was mildly concerned might upset him (although I really didn’t think it would).

There are just so many reasons that a person could decide, between a second date and a third date to cancel.  So many.  I guess.

Anyway, I replied to his email with a “get well” that included a mention of my blog and that I hoped I hadn’t written anything to upset him in any way.  And he replied, shortly after, that he’s not reading my blog, not after that first time.  That he would rather not.  That it’s mine (a place for me to express myself and he doesn’t want to invade my space) and he’s sure that if there’s something he needs to know I’d tell him directly.  And that he was really looking forward to seeing me again when he was feeling better.  All of which added up to me feeling much better.

If not exactly, good (because, you know, it wouldn’t be the first time a guy lied to me).  Yeah, I got issues.  I’m working on ’em.

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15 to “A Matter of Trust (Trust?)”

  1. OpinionatedGift says:

    Don’t beat yourself up. In this day and age, trust is not easily earned. In the end itbisbouebcontract a leap if faith, therefor a hard choice to make. I hope he meant it and gets better soon

  2. AoC Johnny says:

    If he flakes again, thank him for saving your time. Also do you feel you play the protector and provider role in your life to where it interferes with a man being a man?

    It sounds like you like to lead. If that’s the case sometimes you have to trick a man into thinking he’s leading so he feels like a man.

  3. sfsingleguy says:

    People lie, that’s a constant. It’s the level of the lie that is the indicator of how much they can be trusted.

  4. drumdance says:

    Hm. I just went on a second date with a gal last night. I like her, have a good time with her, think she’s cute etc… but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to fall head over heels for her.

    Her profile says she’s looking to settle down, she says she wants kids and at 43 feels like she’s only got a couple years left. So I’m wrestling with myself over whether to shut it down now or give it a few more dates. I definitely will not do the fade.

  5. jenmata says:

    Ah the fade, haven’t we all become very familiar (unfortunately) with the fade? I totally get your first instinct, it would be mine too. Too many guys use this technique to vanish, we just know it too well by now. Hope he’s being sincere and does show up again after he feels better. If not, his loss and for you? Next!

  6. You Make My Date says:

    Wow, people are quick to write off Mr Nice Post if he fails again! I think he sounds honestly like he’s sick, so he’s not quite a flake. And if he tried to arrange something for later in the week, then he’s not fading.Yet.

    On the topic of not-reading-your-blog though…I think that if things do heat up between the two of you and you get into a relationship, it’s inevitable that he might sneak peeks occasionally, particularly after a fight or maybe even a session in bed. Guys are just as curious as girls!

  7. Quirkyeconomist says:

    Wow, does this sound familiar! And I like his reply – if he were doing the fade, I don’t think he would say he’s looking forward to seeing you when he’s better (i.e., he could have just said he’d be in touch when he’s feeling better or something vague, he didn’t have to say he’s looking forward to it). Ah, the way we parse these things! When he DOES call you to make plans after he’s feeling better, I hope you will remember that. When I started dating my current boyfriend, I actually started writing down all the things he did RIGHT because I realized that it is way too easy for me to fixate on the things I worried about (e.g., I’d get anxious because he hadn’t called as early as I thought he would, but then he DID call and had a perfectly good reason for not calling earlier). Trust has to be built over time and even if you have ‘issues’ about it, how he handles that will in itself tell you a lot about whether he’s worth trusting.

  8. Filipina Girl says:

    Give Mr. Nice Post the benefit of the doubt, what if he is really sick? Discontinue your communication if he has been giving you all these excuses when you meet up for a date. Life is to short to be wasted on craps.

  9. svo says:

    I find it disconcerting that he’s _emailing_ you these things. I’m not sure if NYC dating is different in that respect; but, if I’m the guy in that situation it’s never a good sign when calling isn’t the norm.

    Especially when you two are of the older variety that weren’t born with txt and email messaging ;p

  10. My Kafkaesque Life says:

    Seems like telling him about the blog was not a good idea, because now you constantly worry about it :( I am a guy and I rather not know that a woman I fancy writes a blog about her dating life and that I am the current focus of attention and some random people comment about me and my actions while they don’t really know me.

    Ok, I am a very curious person, I’d probably check your blog thoroughly, if I was dating you and told about it. I don’t know about mr. Nicepost. But I think those dating stories are better to be told in real than read on a blog. There were so many instances where people misunderstood me online. You read a post and you can find one word that can later bother you all the time, you interpret it your own way, you get insecure… but if the same story was told in real, the person can explain it better, you can ask follow up questions.. Besides, some old stuff you wrote, some opinions you had, may have changed. But the text remains the same. That’s why one should never judge a person by the blog they write. It says something about them, but not everything.

    I hope mr. Nicepost really doesn’t read and it’s really sick. Then it means you told about your blog the right person. If he does read and if he’s not sick, then you’re in the fade and you may have to reconsider your policy on telling the guy. I’d wait until I start a serious relationship with someone.

  11. BerteraNissan says:

    OK so here is all I really see… Some of us live in a world inside our own heads.. We think and concentrate on things WAY TO MUCH. And yourself being a writer… That must be even harder. Trying to decipher the “meanings” to the words before just reading them.. Words can be so much like people its insane. You can take for face value or you can choose to dig.. And that is not always the best practice. You may find what was never there or not meant to be. Some times it is best to see it how it is. I do believe and hope that Mr.Nice Post is sick.. You both seem to have been very upfront with each other. So it would not make sense to cover a date that was rescheduled. It was rescheduled. Not blown off.. But here is just looking from the outside in. So as always. Best of luck to you!

  12. pansophy says:

    Amazing to see how much panic gets invoked – don’t let fear rule. First off, women fade too. Second, some of my best dates have happened after rescheduling it several times.

    I think Quirkyeconomist has it right. What kind of idiot is trying to fade but suggests a specific day to meet instead?? If he is really that kind of idiot be happy to find out this early.

    Personally, I’d put him in the category of a guy with a plan. He cancels but suggests a time to meet because he likes you and doesn’t want this to fade.

  13. LPS says:

    I like Mr. Nicepost. I don’t think he’s doing the fade. His words about not reading the blog, after the first time, was very touching, respectful and sounded like he genuinely wants you to have your space and freedom without him intruding. He sounds very mature, secure and level-headed. I hope he was being truthful!!

    On the post about Mr. Nicepost being older than he stated on his profile, is there a chance you subconsciously decided that because things have been going so well, you tried to mess things up, just a little, by writing that post? There was nothing wrong with the post. I agreed with you: this habit of lying about one’s age is so annoying!! But the entry was slightly critical of him and his reluctance to reveal his true age online. If he had read it, what do you think his reaction might have been? Embarrassment, shame? Annoyance? Slighted? You immediately equated the date cancellation as the fade, and thought it might be as a result of him reading that entry, not liking it and deciding to cancel the date to get some space. You felt the need to apologise, which does resemble something of a guilty conscience, and the mature reaction to his email was smooth things over. From reading your blog, I feel I can say that I don’t think you would ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. Is there a chance the entry was deliberate, just to shake things up a little (on a subsconscious level)? It’s food for thought, anyway.

    Forgive me, if I am completely off-base. I’m only asking because I’ve done it. It’s usually a knee-jerk reaction in the early stages of a relationship and I’m still finding my way, getting to know the other person, and trying to shake my gut feeling that if he is too good to be true, then he usually is. Inevitably, I have often been proved right. But…I’m sure there are times when I’ve “tested” genuinely nice guys too early. Isn’t cynicism (and a dash of insecurity) a beaut? Lol! :)

    Either way, I hope Mr Nicepost reaffirms his position as a genuine, kind-hearted, easy-going, secure man with a plan once he’s better!

  14. Simone Grant says:

    -Opinionated Gift
    That’s it – trust needs to be earned, with me. I wish it were otherwise. I’ve been told by exes that the fact that I’m so unwilling to trust is an issue.
    -AoC Johnny
    Oh lord no. I’m this chick ( No “tricks” for me.
    Yes, people lie. The level of the lie? Hmm. I don’t know that I want to start assigning levels like homeland security levels – lie level orange…
    I’m glad that you’re adult enough to not do the fade. So I have a question for you and I don’t mean it as a confrontation – why would you go out with her (at all or again) if your goals are not aligned?
    I do believe that he is sick. But it’s sad that we are all so used to the fade that our first instinct is to believe a guy is lying and on his way to disappearing.
    -You Make My Date
    People are quick to write him, I think, because we’ve all been burned so many times. Sad, but true. And yes, I think it would be natural for him to sneak peaks and I will always work on the assumption that he is reading (even if he’s not).
    That’s an excellent point. I do have to remember all of the things he does to earn my trust (which can be hard). I’m not sure I’ll have to write them down though. I can always refer to the blog…
    -Filipina Girl
    I love it, yes, life is too short to be wasted on craps. And yes, if something ELSE happens to get in the way of our next date I’ll be moving on.
    Interesting point. If it were text I’d be pissed. But I actually do most of my communications via email (including with my closest friends). But I did tell him that I wanted to finish a potentially serious conversation he started via email in person.
    -My Kafkaesque Life
    You could be right. I could’ve misjudged the situation. I guess I won’t know til I know (I hate that).
    I’ve always said I think about things too much. I plead guilty.
    I don’t know if it’s panic so much as pessimism. It’s hard to keep pessimism at bay, honestly. I certainly have enough reasons to give up hope, and yet I stay somewhat hopeful that each guy with be a great one. And so when something doesn’t go well, the potential for pessimism is there.
    You make a good point. Actually, I thought for a couple days about what, if anything, to write. In the end, I decided that I couldn’t stop writing the type of blog I wanted to write (honest about dating and what that REALLY meant) because I had a couple good dates with someone. And I thought that that post was not mean-spirited or mocking in any way. I took a fact (he lied about his age) and wrote how that made me feel. And yes, I was concerned that it would upset him. But I thought it probably wouldn’t. That he was made of stronger stuff. And I think he is. I think we’ll see each other when he’s feeling better. I hope.

  15. LPS says:

    Ah bless! I hope you see him too, Simone! It will be an infusion of positive energy for all your readers to find out that he’s a genuinely nice guy. If not, then this fading business is just so cowardly!!

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