Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

So, I’m Gonna Go There

Last week I mentioned how weird this was for me, trying to negotiate my new reality (gosh that sounds so dramatic).  My new reality = I’ve met a guy who I like and we’ve gone on a couple of dates and because I immediately knew he was the kind of person who’d get it/be cool with it I told him about the blog on our first date.

This is entirely new territory for me.

Anyway, I’ve decided to not be overly cautious or self-conscious in what I say about him.  I will stick to my blog policy and hopefully that will be enough.

Mr. Nicepost, like almost every other guy I’ve met via online in the past few years lied on his profile.  He is many years older than he stated online (more than 5, less than 10).  I’d guessed that before we met (I’ve become very good at guessing men’s ages) and then was 100% sure of it after our first date.  He’s a handsome man and has aged well, but he does look older than the he was pretending to be (to my finely trained eyes).

His next birthday celebration came up in conversation during our second date and I came out and asked him his real age.  I made it clear that I was cool with the age he is.  And I AM.  He’s no where near the top of my desirable age range for guys (which I pointed out to him).

As I’ve said many times, and written about here and elsewhere, I pretty much expect these kinds of lies from guys.  And the men who lie have stopped feeling bad about doing it.  They feel they are justified (if I didn’t shave the years off my age, no one would reply…).  But it still annoys the fuck out of me.

I’m 39.  I don’t look 39, but I am.  And I clearly state that I’m 39 on my online profile, even though I know there are plenty of guys who won’t be interested in dating me because they see that as too old.  I try to see it as their loss.  Does it annoy me that some really interesting looking men (in their 40s) state that the maximum age of the women they’re looking to date is 35, or even 33?  Yes.  Of course.  But I’m not going to start shaving 5 years off just so that I can get more dates.  Nope.  I’m too HONEST.

Does this mean I’m thinking bad things about Mr. Nicepost?  No, not at all.  We’ve had a couple good dates and have our 3rd planned for Tuesday (assuming he doesn’t read this and cancel).  I just think it’s strange and frustrating how otherwise wonderful guys seem to think it’s OK to lie on their online profile.  And I’d be happier if they didn’t.  Lie.

Oh well.

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22 to “So, I’m Gonna Go There”

  1. Singlegal says:

    Men lie … about their AGE?! Oh my!

  2. Catherinette says:

    It’s a big fat red flag when the dating profile has lies in it. F that noise.

  3. alwayslookaround says:

    a lie is a lie is a lie

  4. klawless says:

    I am with you… HATE it when a lie is uncovered and if the guy tries to justify — makes it even worse in my book. I’m honest to a fault on profiles as well, even when it means less response from men who think 36 is too old or putting anything other than “slim” is an unacceptable body type.

    I gave up on ignoring profile lies because, to me, it just established that we have different policies on “all’s fair in love and war.” Admittedly… my ideology killed a lot of relationships before they even had a chance. Here’s to hoping that Mr. NicePost’s lie is a one off and that budding chemistry survives even dating blogs. (boy am I familiar with that gauntlet *grin*)

  5. BerteraNissan says:

    I for one wish you luck.. And have never understood why men put age limits so low… Or lie about there own age…. I am who I am. And that is me… Guess its not the same for everyone. What ever happend to the older woman fantacies?? Or the fact that (so I have read) woman “peak” later in life then men do…

  6. iamalejandra says:

    He lied (and didn’t get away with it), you called him out, he fessed up. At least he had the decency not to lie again when you asked him. And you realized it soon enough that it wasn’t that much of an issue. Unfortunately we play in a world where people sometimes lie or pull some little tricks to get what they want/need. Yes it sucks and it shouldn’t be that way, but it is what it is. Enjoy!!

  7. pansophy says:

    I don’t know how I feel about this one. On the surface, yeah, lies suck. On the other hand lies through omission are aren’t any better. So to me I put ‘not stating ones real age’ in their profile on par with not telling people you have a blog about dating.

    It’s one of those things that you know you will have to divulge at some point, but you don’t want that one fact to take away the possibility of being with someone. You tell the person once their is some kind of relationship in place…a relationship that can hold the truth. Some relationships never get to that point.

    It’s not a lie of deceit, but a lie of fear.

  8. TheMQB says:

    Allow me to weigh in with my (weird?) perspective here. I realise it may not win me any brownie points, but…

    Lets have a reality check here!

    Everybody lies.
    Doesnt matter who you are, we all lie. Its just human nature, duplicity is a fundemental flaw in us as a race.

    The question that must always be asked is whether someone’s lying because of selfish motives or for the greater good.

    Obviously the dude, Mr Nicepost, liked Simone’s style and didnt want to put her off with his actual age. Granted, I too think its a bit silly, but hey, they obviously found more common ground so its all cool.

    Now, I’ve been screwed around and lied to more than most in relationships, BUT I think a sense of perspective is key. I’m sure Mr Nicepost himself realises the sillyness of it all and has, hopefully, apologised.

    We all have weird self esteem issues sometimes.

    Just remember, believe in life, believe in love and believe in friendship. Carry a song in your hearts and let life unfold as it will.

    Good luck with Mr Lampost…er…I mean Mr Nicepost.

    The MQB

  9. Anonymous says:

    Men and women both say things on their online profiles that aren’t true.
    But wait, Pansophy, how can it be omission? He stated a fake age. That’s not omission. He had to state an age. A fake age. Hence it’s not omission.
    If you think what he did isn’t wrong then just say so. Don’t make false excuses for it.

  10. pansophy says:

    Anonymous: I didn’t say his lie was a lie of omission, I said lies through omission aren’t any better. Lies and omission accomplish the same goal _ they hide a relevant truth from someone.

    I actually don’t know if what he did was right or wrong in any absolute sense.

    I think some people would say that many people lie about their age, that online dating profiles are only a facade, and that it is the reader that is wrong to believe that what is written is actually true. And then there are people like alwayslookaround who say ‘a lie is a lie is a lie”

    Some would say that killing in self-defense (or war) is justified while others say killing is always wrong. So I think whether it was ‘wrong’ or not is really up to each person.

    For me, I was simply saying that I understand the lie in that most of us hide who we really are in the early stages of any relationship. What’s far more important in my mind is whether a couple is able to transcend the need to hide from each other or does the relationship itself just become another way to hide…

  11. klawless says:

    so… honest Q for the sake of discussion… I hear most guys say that they will immediately dismiss a woman who posted misrepresentative pictures on her profile due to the fact that she “sold a false bill of goods” even if they ended up having a nice date with her. So, why are age or interests or attitudes or height (etc) lies any different? Aren’t lies about those things also selling a “false bill” or is it just that some lies are acceptable and others are not?

  12. My Kafkaesque Life says:

    Men lie, women lie… a lie is a lie and you can’t say one sex is more honest than another. I think it depends on the person.

    I think if someone’s looking for something serious, it’s a very bad choice start up with a lie. Not a good base for a relationship. But maybe the age-lie is good for aone-night stand? I guess…

  13. onedatewonder says:

    So…. okay. I don’t see not telling a guy about your dating blog immediately as a lie of omission. Frankly there are tons of things about yourself you don’t tell each other in the early stages of dating. Some because there isn’t enough time in the dates, and some because you’re not ready for them to know. But everyone, and I do mean everyone, does that. It just is. Telling someone later rather than sooner isn’t lying. (That’s like saying not telling you my mother is borderline bonkers on our first date is a lie of omission. It’s not, it’s just not first date material. I’ll tell you in a few months, ok? 😉 )

    Deliberately misrepresenting age is though. And I’m not damning Mr. Nicepost. I’m surprised the age lying is so common for you though Simone. (I was surprised when you said it before too.) Do you think it’s more common in the age group you’re targeting or maybe in the city or something? That’s one thing I never did run into, honestly. So I’m just curious.

    The bottom line is that you’ve decided to be comfortable with it and that’s all anyone can ask.

  14. pups4me says:

    I had a man lie to me about his age online and it immediately turned me off. His profile said 49 and his photo seemed to match that age. I was 41, so he was slightly older than I was looking for, but we had things in common and a really nice phone conversation, so I decided to meet him. I was a bit surprised because while there was a resemblance to his photo, I was not attracted to him in person. He told me during our first drink that his profile age was not correct and he was actually 53. Now had I known he was 53 when I first saw his profile, I can honestly say I’m not sure I would have been interested. But once he admitted he lied, I knew I was not interested.
    I like to think I’m not expecting too much when I want to believe people are generally honest regarding important information (age, height, body type, marital status).
    I felt deceived, there was no other word to use…and for me that is a deal breaker.
    I should mention that I have been using online dating sites off and on for the past 5 years, and yes, there are people who do not look like their photos, and that bothers me too.
    What is the reason people (both men and women) think this is ok? Regardless of how wonderful your online and phone conversations may be, when you do finally meet face to face, the jig is up, so to speak, regarding what you were not truthful about. And how does one get past the fact that they were deceived?

  15. drumdance says:

    I think most people don’t really know what they look like. When we see ourselves in the mirror, we are looking at ourselves and adjusting our facial expressions to something we find attractive. But when someone else is taking the picture, we don’t have that feedback. Whenever I see a photo of myself, I always think, “is that really me?” And don’t get me started about video…

    I’ve never lied about my age (41) in my profile, but I’ve thought about it. Like every other guy I’m generally attracted to younger girls, but my last serious relationship was with a woman a year older than me and just tonight I went on a date with a gal who is 43.

  16. Simone Grant says:

    Isn’t it shocking!
    -Catherinette and alwayslookaround
    I understand your unwillingness to bend on this. And there is a part of me that wants to feel the same way. But I don’t. I want to be flexible.
    I believe that this is one of those living examples of a double standard. And I’m participating in it, somewhat willingly. I’m not going to rationalize it. It is what it is.
    I don’t get it either. And I don’t think it’s ALL men. Just a group of them – namely, lots of single men in their 40s in NYC.
    You and I have a very similar attitude on this. The world is a very imperfect place. People do stupid things (myself included). He fessed up right away and I don’t see any reason to hold it against him.
    Yes, as I’ve written (in the linked post, Shorter, Fatter, Balder) it probably makes sense to assume that most people are lying in their profiles. But that kind of sucks. And it’s one of the reasons that so many people become disillusioned with online dating. Because they show up to dates and find people who are older, shorter, etc. than promised.
    I’ve heard the “everybody lies” line more than a few times. I don’t find it helpful. My not telling my dad about this blog is not the same as someone lying about their marital status to a date, for example. And for the record, I sent the initial message to Mr. Nicepost. He hadn’t noticed me. Maybe because he was looking for younger women?
    -My Kafkaesque Life
    That’s an excellent point – that someone who is lying about their age is probably less likely to be interested in a serious relationship. I’m going to have to think more about that.
    I believe that the lying about age thing is probably very common in the men I date because of their demographic – guys in their 40s who are dating women in their 30s. I think they are shaving years off to make themselves seem more attractive to younger women.
    As I’ve said before, I expect a certain about of deception. I think that people are vulnerable and afraid of putting their true selves out there. And so they try to make themselves seem “better”. It’s stupid and sad but lots of people do it. I DON’T LIKE IT RECOMMEND IT. I just try not to judge people too harshly, but rather judge them for who they really are.
    How does one get past the deception? I’m not sure one should. I just know that I do.

  17. Simone Grant says:

    Holy typos batman. I apologize for my last comment. That’ll teach me to comment after a night out. Sorry about that. And I must have been typing at the exact same moment as drumdance.
    I’d agree that most of us don’t have a realistic sense of what we look like. Which is a reason (not excuse) for not updating photos when our appearance changes/ages. And why I think it’s important to have a friend take a picture for our profiles, or at least get a friend’s feedback.

  18. Leven says:

    Outcome justifies means here I’d say.

    Picture yourself having a grand old time with someone new. Sparks flying as you laugh at the world together and all that good stuff. If the fun you had you know for sure is real, would you resent the lie that allowed it? Maybe you’d be glad it was there to circumvent your prejudices. Only when the date falls flat would you really resent the lie no?

  19. Simone Grant says:

    I guess that depends on the magnitude of the lie. As I’ve said I’m pretty forgiving. But there are some things I can’t forgive.

  20. Anonymous says:

    On the issue of lying about one’s age? I never tell my exact age anymore. I usually say that I’m one year (maximum of 2 years) younger, because I had a librarian take my name and my age and run a background check on me and I felt like my privacy was violated. Especiallyl, if she’s trying to figure out my net worth, etc. Actually, sometimes I just tell people that I’m 85, or maybe 100 years old. Then, there are those that I’ve told right up front that I’m about.. what ever age that I was at the time and I’ll explain why. It’s funny. So many women forget that in many cases, it’s the man that has to deal with the stalker, etc. Can you believe that? I’ve never run a background check on someone. That’s sick.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Oh! I usually try to avoid giving them my last name and address as long as I can too. Incidentally, this is the only issue that I ever mislead anyone on, because I hate nosey people and I value my privacy. It should be my decision who I’m going to let into my personal life. So, changing my month or year of date by a couple months seems to do the trick. Actually, I have a lot of lady friends and one of them called me when she was away for a weekend with this guy and she was going through his texts and phone calls on his phone when he wasn’t around. This is very wrong. I hate that. You know? My daughter is so certain about my respect for her privacy that she’ll leave her diary right on the kitchen table and she knows that I won’t touch it. Now, if she did that with my ex wife? Yeah.. OK..

  22. grad student says:

    @klawless… depends on how out of date the photo. If the picture is Jennifer Love Hewitt and the person is more Rosie O’Donnell then I would have a problem. Not that there is anything wrong with looking like Rosie, but if I am making a date with Jennifer, then there is a reason I picked someone with that photo. But, if it is a question of a couple of years old and +/- a few pounds or hair color/length then no biggie.
    How do you pick an age number? I guess, you do want someone with a certain life experience or such..

    @BertraNissan… Men in there 40’s tend to be those who desire 20s and maybe 30. BUT, younger guys will set the limit higher. The older guys are trying to relive (or live for first time) youthful sex lives. Younger guys want a woman (girl) who knows what they want and are less likely to be too clingy and such. Not saying these are fair ideas, just what they are